Ex’s Control over Parenting Schedule is putting pressure on my relationship

[Embobs89]

I coparent 3 kids with my ex partner. He has them 3 nights per week and doesn’t pay child maintenance. His variable shift pattern as a supermarket manager means he tells me, week-by-week, which days he can collect the kids from school and have them overnight. This usually includes a weekend night, often a Sunday when he’s off, he collects them at 11:30am because he has errands to run. He seems to have the kids around his existing plans whereas I have to plan around the kids.

This has been the arrangement for about 3 years now. I’ve struggled during that time to commit to a permanent job or working schedule, as I don’t know which days I need to be available for the kids. Even temping jobs have been problematic.

I usually bite my tongue though and so does my partner, with whom I now have a 4mo little girl.

We’ve booked an Easter break in Somerset for us and all the kids, and as we’re taking them for a week, have asked my ex if he can take them for a week in return to enable us to take the baby to visit her grandparents abroad (one of whom she hasn’t met yet) in May/June.

He said he’s booked all his annual leave in advance, has a week in June booked off for his birthday, but that his gf has booked a ‘surprise’, so he will talk to his boss and see if there’s a week they can offer some flexibility.

it’s been two weeks and all plane seats are selling fast or getting expensive. He says he’s ’concerned about doing the school run’ and it’s too far for his gf to walk if he’s at work.

We can’t book anything without knowing if he can have the kids or not. My OH is getting really p*ed off and just wants to take his first child to meet his dad. He’s had enough of ex calling all the shots in childcare and it’s causing tension in our relationship.

I feel like piggy in the middle 😔

What would you do?

Get a court order and get child maintenance and get a proper schedule

but in terms of the week - that one is trickier given it is school time

Could you take both children abroad?

Tell him the current arrangement doesn’t work as you can’t be at his beck and call. If he won’t agree to set days you go to court and have them set. Then get on with your life. It’s up to him to arrange childcare around his job on those set days if he wants almost 50/50
custody and to pay no maintenance - he’s trying to have his cake and eat it.

I'm Failing to see why you can't take both children

We took my eldest three abroad for holiday at the in-laws last year for 10 days, this year we decided to have a family holiday in the uk for the kids and then just take baby to see grandparents. I do feel guilty about not taking them but this is less a family holiday, more letting grandad (who can’t fly) meet his only (biological) grandchild. Plus we just can’t afford the flights for a family of 6. We will most likely all go next year to balance it out.

Agree with getting a court order, this current arrangement is not sustainable, you cannot keep adjusting to his work pattern, as you are now finding out.

I had this with my ex. It caused a nightmare. I would just tell him that you can not facilitate the current contact arrangement and suggest he seeks a contact arrangement order to structure contact in a pattern. You need to find a job and in order to do so, you need to know where the kids will be from one minute to the next. Then, apply for CMS. The CMS will likely go some way to cover the cost of wraparound care and if you can a job too, will be much better all round.

You are not in the middle. You are prioritising your ex effectively and , yes, that is bound to cause conflict in your relationship.

Prioritise all your children. Live your life as if your ex doesn’t exist in terms of child care. If he steps up and takes them on occasion - treat it as a bonus. I suspect he enjoys messing you around. Take away his power. Even with a court ordered contact schedule - there is no guarantee he will stick to it.

The problem with a court order is that it doesn't guarantee he'll stick to it.

My ex got 50-50 from the court, then EOW, Wednesdays and the first half of all holidays, and finally EOW and half of holidays with which half chosen by me.

He never stuck to it. Ever.

Your ex doesn’t have to be available for you to travel. You could make other arrangements for someone to watch the older children if he doesn’t want them. Maybe your parents or a sibling could watch them and get them to school? Do tell him they will be with a sitter if he doesn’t commit soon.

however, you don’t have to agree to a random schedule. You have the right to work and plan your life. Now would be a good time to start negotiating a change to have in place by the end of your maternity leave.