How to discipline without being shouty?

[HelpMyGarden]

I know it’s not totally avoidable but my DD is nearly 2 and getting to the point where we need to really implement some solid discipline.

She is such a lovely little girl but can be a bit challenging with other kids and is very strong willed (for example with sharing, letting someone else go on the swings etc and she also hit her cousin today which is what’s made me post here).

I feel like I have no idea what I’m doing and don’t want to mess it up. There’s loads about gentle parenting and I agree with things like understanding that for her, getting off the swings so another child can go on them seems like the world is ending… but I just don’t think gentle parenting would work with her.

On the other hand I don’t want to just discipline by shouting at her.

Is there an in between method that works? Or anything that anyone recommends??

Or any top tips would be so helpful!

We do the following.

1. Kid does something it shouldn't: We tell her to stop for this or that reason.
2. She does it again we give a warning. "If you do it one more time, I'm going to take the toy away" or "if you hit your brother one more time, you're not allowed any screen time today".
3. She does it again - we follow through with our pre-warned consequence.

If she does something she already knows she shouldnt do, step one is a reminder instead of an explanation. Sometimes I also ask her "we don't hit people, do we." She shakes her head "yeah, and why is that?" Etc, etc.

Imo its like anything else you teach your kids. It takes time and living by example is so important. My husband once said to me "when you take that away from her you should ask her and say please because if we do it, she will" and he's so right. Such little things go a long way.

Only reason I would ever shout at either is if either of them are in danger. Consequences should be as relevant to the issue at hand as possible. Like she purposely throw her food on the floor after me asking her not to, she then has to clean it up (I still help her). If she refuses, then I revisit the request a while later when her stubborness has died down.

Sometimes it's just a bad day and nothing works. It feels wrong to let things go sometimes but I think if your kids is good to others most of the time then we have to show some grace and patience with them. They are only learning. Steadfast and firm discipline goes a long way. I was raised the old fashioned way and even tho it worked I could never spank my kids and dont like shouting either.
Our method has worked so far and is showing results. Its hard constant work but fruitful.

Also wanted to say about sharing. We found it a bit harsh expecting our kids to share everything and anything with others especially when others are visiting. We speak about it to them prior and say why its important to share with others. Then we let them hide their favorite toys that they do not want to share and say that thats ok. Lets be honest, we dont like sharing everything with anyone either so why should we expect them to. As long as they know how to share, thats the main thing to me.

Thank you, that’s really helpful!

I work with what my child (3 and a half) is driven by. Not listening when I call? Your bike is taken away for 5 minutes. Make a fuss over brushing your teeth? That’s wasted time so now we only have time for one bedtime story. Didn’t eat your veg? You can’t be hungry enough for that pudding. Bossing mummy or daddy around? We don’t want to play right now then.

As a result we don’t actually have any of the above issues. He knows the way things will play out if he does muck around so he’s actually really polite and easy to get along with. He does listen to reason and respond to things being fair, so if we’re fair with him he’s a really good kid. I don’t think there’s enough of this kind of parenting these days and I think so many people overcomplicate it. All the people I know who try the gentle tactics with too much talking and discussion of feelings, instead of being firm, fair, and uncomplicated- well they all have children who flail about screaming on the floor multiple times a day. I can’t be bothered with all that.

First answer nails it.

With adjustments for the individual child - eg. my eldest (who luckily rarely needed it) just didn't care about punishments (or to be fair, rewards) - he had to be removed from a situation, or when older, wait until he'd calmed down and have a reasonable chat about it.

Youngest totally different kettle of fish - luckily also rarely needed correction, but, when he did you had to be firm from the beginning with no wiggle room. You couldn't let anything slide.

But the most important thing is to follow through - you can't make threats, only promises - otherwise the child will pay just as much respect to your wishes as you do to your consequences.

As others have posted, you have to give a consequence and make it immediate.

She doesn't give up the swing, you remove her from the swing and let the other child get on. She may scream and cry but that is fine, she is learning that taking turns is a pain but when she sees she will get another turn in a minute she will get the idea. My DD threw sand in the park once. I told her 'throwing sand will hurt someone if it gets in their eyes. Do that again we will leave', she did it again, we left with her throwing the most almighty tantrum all the way out. She never threw sand again though.

If she hits her cousin, the cousin gets to play by themselves while she sits on a sofa with you being bored, or you take her home.

I have put toys in time out, removed my DC from restaurants, shops, and parks for various behaviours that are not acceptable in polite society, sent them for naps:
Me: You need to take a nap
DD: I do NOT need a nap
Me: Stop behaving like you need a nap then

Also for whining
DD: whine, whine, whine
Me: I am sorry, I don't speak Whinese, please say that again in English
DD: (says what she actually wants without whining)

Just make sure the consequences are something you can live with, that they are something immediate - as if you have to wait a few hours she won't link the cause with the consequence - and it is natural to the cause. So for instance if she is grabbing toys and not sharing at a play group, she goes home as 'other children don't like to play with children who won't take turns'.