Tell me truthfully what do your days look like with 2 and 4 year old

[oustedbymymate]

Honestly I can't decide if I'm just a shot parent or this is the reality with young kids.

We have two boys. 2 and 4. Lovely but full on boisterous. All what I feel is 'usual' tantrums emotions etc. Can be very funny loving and kind.

However I just feel like every day is a battle. It's just not enjoyable at the minute. Is this just the reality?

DH does his fair share. For context we both work full time (can't afford not to) youngest at nursery oldest at school. Both go to wrap around.

Mon to Fri our day looks like this
6.30 DH and I get up get dressed breakfast get kids breakfast out etc.

7am get kids up. Breakfast and dressed. This is a daily battle. Asking a million times to get dressed put clothes in fighting to get clothes on

7.30 I leave for work

7.45 DH leaves and drops kids at nursery and school

8-5 I work 9-5 DH work.

5.30pm I pick oldest DH picks youngest up

6-7pm supper (they have 'tea' at nursery and school' homework wind down play (battle re eating and not causing chaos)

7-7.45 - battle with bath time and bed time. Read stories settle to bed

8-9 DH and I cook and have tea.

9- 9.30 try to do some sort of exercise or watch tv

9.30 -10 prep for following day make lunches pack bags etc

10 - bed.

Repeat.

Weekend we go out go the park etc but it's still a battle and constant moaning or arguing and basically having a shit time.

Is this just the reality?

We have zero additional support. It's just us.

They are as exhausted as you.

Tired children don’t learn as well. Do the homework at the weekend.

Are the kids not getting home until 5.45 every weekday? I think tiredness will be part of the problem, that’s a very long week for them. They need more down time, when do they get to just play at home during the week instead of get home, homework, dinner, bed? Probably one of the reasons everything is a battle for you.

That sounds really hard and long. Very long day for the children.
but I suppose you’re in the midst of it and just have to plough through.

Oh OP, it is so hard, you really are in the trenches. I don’t think you need advice, I think you just need to be heard 🌸

Virtual hugs (unmumsnetty I know!) and all I can say is hang in there. My DC are v similar ages just slightly ahead, and even just a year or so further on has eased some of the high trigger emotional meltdowns/ battles you described. They don’t disappear but the intensity and frequency has dialled down.

I hope it helps to know you are not alone. Being mum, looking after little ones and juggling all the needs of a full/ chaotic family life has sure been the hardest thing I’ve ever done.

One thought, but have you considered finding a nanny who could take the after school shift, even just once a week? (So school pick ups, dinner, wind down, bedtime) just to free up one evening a week for you and DH. Really sounds like you could do with an air gap somewhere.

Yeah, the 5.45 days are long: could you look at compressed hours at all? Have a day or two of longer work, one parent do both pick ups and then use the flexibility to get them earlier on the other days?

I feel for you and agree you're in the trenches right now. Once the younger one is 4 life gets easier I found! Especially once both at school.

Just wanted to add, when I had little ones we often ate separately/later like you as we found it easier. Like you say you can actually sit and eat. But as you say it's annoying that it's a bit late. Pros and cons really! Once they were a little older we started all eating together.

When you cook for yourselves in the evening, save back two small portions to reheat for the kids the next day after nursery. If it's that much of a battle, they're maybe genuinely not hungry anyway?

When I had an awkward toddler, I used to put them to bed in comfy leggings/trackies and t-shirt, and not bother getting them changed in the morning!

Can you make the SALT practice a bit of a bath time game, or even in the car? How many minutes are you supposed to do each day, and can you split that into small bursts whenever you get a chance, so it's just a part of your normal conversation, not another task to try and shoehorn into your evening?

You're absolutely right it is long days. I just can't work out what the alternative is.

Both DH and I have to work full time. We work a 40 hour week. I do slightly longer as I work term time only. My wage is prorated so I work slightly longer weeks to afford to work term time only. I have tried to make this work as we can't afford the holiday costs and cover for the eldest in the school holidays. And often holiday camps don't cover the hours I need. The youngest also does term time only and gets 15 hours funded so we've tried to cut on costs there too

I can't compress my hours I already do 8.5 hours a day and any longer I can't pick eldest up from after school club in time and DH can't get him as he doesn't finish in time either as he starts later to take them in a morning.

DH can't compress hours we have limited flexibility in our roles. It's not quite as simple as look for another job. We are in a trap where we are so stretched but work just over the limits to get any support. Our combined pre tax take home is just short of 60k a year. We can't free up any more money than we have already. The cost of living is literally killing us.

Re dropping a day at nursery I literally don't have the capacity and it's actually cheaper to go 5 days then 4 as the more sessions you attended the cheaper the rate.

Re getting a nanny it's just not feasible. Financially but also who would want to work 4 hours a week?

Yes I will drop the 'homework' that's gives me 10 mins a day.

Re the poster who said when do they have time to play in an eve. Short answer is they don't. And I feel incredibility guilty about that but honestly what do I do?

I've tried to look at this from as many angles as I can and I can't think of any more solutions than what we are doing.

Honestly if someone can find me a job that I can work 9-3 term time only that brings home more than 30k a year I would sell my kidney for it. Not teaching! I was a teacher and was doing 60 plus hours a week and it nearly killed me. Literally.

I actually do like my job now and progressing well but truthfully right now I just don't understand how to do all the things we need to do.

Oh and I've realised in my original post I didn't include any time for

• cleaning
• meal prep and planning
• food shopping
• life admin
• washing and putting away clothes
• tidying

@DeffoNeedANameChange we try and use the portions from tea for lunch the following day for us both 1) to save money and 3) one less meal for us to think about

Sounds hard…

I would look at easy wins

Sunday dinner do double and pop some in the freezer.
Mondays are left overs night
Fridays we always do a fakeaway
i also do easy dinners (omelettes, beans and cheese on toast, 1 x air fryer dinner per week maybe a stir fry?)

regarding meal times

I do not comment AT ALL on what the kids eat. We do self service a bit. With oldest ( how much mashed potato and veg etc but they get 2 fish fingers and that’s it) and I have things “not touching” on the plate
it’s not perfect but both are okay eaters and meals are chilled as we aren’t policing their food anymore

Toddlers in general are hard work. What’s new?? I have an ND 3 year old, so there’s some extra fun unique ‘challenges’ DH and I have to navigate.

Also, don't be adventurous with meals on weeknights. If there's anything healthy they're willing to eat, just do a variation on that each weeknight.

Our weeknights are basically:

Chilli con carne (loads of hidden veg)
Fish cakes (shop bought, from frozen)
Bolognese
Fried rice (with minced up veg fried into it).
Pasta with sausage and broccoli.

That's it. Both kids are willing to eat them with no battles so that's what we go for.

We try different food on the weekend

@YourAmberScroller yes that must be hard. But it's also not a race to the bottom.

I was posting to 1) be 'heard' and 2) to see if there was something I could change to try and bring some joy back to my life

If you're paying for nursery and after school
Club, is it actually worth working the extra 2 hours vs the cost of those after tax?
That's why I switched to 9-3 (most days) when I had my second.

The extra time may help although our evenings are very late too as lucky if they're asleep by 9pm.

Slow cooker is also a good way to get quick dinners for all when you don't have much time.

@NatalieH2220 what job do you do that's 9-3 and what's the wage please?

Nursery I can't do short days so would be paying full day rate anyway so only thing I would save is £10 after school really but would need to finish work at 3pm bang on and arrive at school within 15 mins for collection to not sure after school club

We have good days and bad days but much more flexible roles and higher incomes which both help significantly. It is hard. I'd say accept it, head down and crack on, make sure you have some concrete plans in place to improve things.

Mine are 2 and 5 and my routine looks similar to yours.

It may not work for you but I get ours to bed lights out by 7 latest. They’re both knackered and I need as much down time in the evening as possible. DS5 is allowed light on for 5-10 mins with a book which helps him wind down. i don’t do school work with him mid week - just his school reading book at bedtime.

It’s totally exhausting OP. I feel permanently run down , operating on caffeine and paracetamol. I worry I will burn out.

Oh ok they only offer a full day? I used to pay a half day then paid for a few extra hours to 4pm which was cheaper than the full day rate. Now my youngest is at school nursery so same hours as my school aged child so no extra fees making it even more worthwhile finishing at 3pm. Maybe worth seeing other nurseries and what hours they offer or a school nursery? Or a childminder even could make it more viable to reduce hours a little as they're usually slightly cheaper.

I work in finance, mostly work from home, office one day a week.

@Strawberryjammam what plans would you make to improve things? That's what I'm asking for help with

@NatalieH2220 no they only offer sessions 8-1 1-6 or 8-6 so need a full day.

I don't want to move him nurseries. He is very settled they are very good and wait lists around here are long! I registered both my children at the nursery before they were born to secure a place! I have registered at the school nursery but this will be next Jan at the earliest.

@jumpintheline yes to be honest we try to aim more towards a 7-7.30 bed time as they are tired as it's so very long days

Can you get their dad or another family member to take them for a day a month?

Don’t just do it as a one off. I know one day a month doesn’t sound much but having a regular break can make a difference. Knowing you’re counting down to the next one etc.

Do very very little, just total down time.

My DH is doing this for me today - which is why I’ve mentioned it. Being honest I don’t think we manage it monthly but I’m going to reboot this!

Sounds like an incredibly tough schedule for everyone, no surprise that the kids are tired and difficult.
Short of a complete lifestyle change I'm not sure what you can do to improve things though.
I'd maybe look for a childminder or after school babysitter even a couple of days a week as it would be a less demanding environment on the kids.
Could you and your DH apply for flexible working so you could each do an after school pick up once a week?
It would be a financial hit but would give the kids down time and let you spend some more time together?