Friction between DD’s friends

[AwayWith]

My DD (11) has a couple of best friends, let’s call them A and B. They’re quite different to each other and I don’t think would naturally be friends if it wasn’t for DD. They’re all in the same class at school, and all going to different secondary schools in September. A lives very close to us, so DD and A walk into school together. DD and B do a couple of after school activities together.

B gets very frustrated with A, and doesn’t hesitate to show it. A can be a bit slow, eg. when eating, will get distracted when walking anywhere, etc. Totally harmless. B is so rude to her, it’s really uncomfortable when I’ve been with the 3 of them eg. if they’ve come round to ours after school or I’ve taken them to the cinema etc.

example: yesterday I took them out for ice cream after school then back to ours for pizza. A was chattering about a shop we walked past, ‘they hold Pokémon card games in there on Fridays, and …’ B just bluntly interrupts and says ‘I don’t care’. A stopped whilst walking to rescue a caterpillar from the path and pop it into some flowers - B says, with great disdain, ‘Stop it A, just leave it’. A sat with her feet up on our sofa (I don’t care about this at all), B tells her off - ‘get your dirty feet off the sofa’.

It makes me really irritated, but doesn’t seem to bother A. B almost treats her like an annoying little sister, it’s an unpleasant dynamic. My DD had noticed and has tried to stick up for A, but B gets really huffy with her.

I was on the verge of saying something to B yesterday, but held back as I didn’t want to make it uncomfortable for everyone (on the basis of A not seeming bothered by it). I’m regretting this now and want to have a plan of what to say/do next time this happens. What would you say?

in general I’ll probably avoid inviting both A & B to do stuff with DD as a trio, but DD is really sad about her friendship group not being as close any more, so there’s that to navigate too.

Any advice?

Wherever you can stay out of girls' friendships, Op! From everything you have said B isn't being very nice but A and your DD need to come to their own conclusions. It would be different if it was bullying but I'm not sure it is. I'd be willing to mildly interject if for instance B is telling someone to take their feet off the sofa and you genuinely don't mind but that's about it.

I think I agree with the PP. you can tell B off for being rude if you want to but leave the dynamics of the group up to DD, she needs to figure this out for herself. If she wants advice you could say that you’ve noticed that B seems a little sharp with A and perhaps it’s time to start seeing they separately out of school but I wouldn’t go further than that. I would offer to arrange any activities that included both though. If you were offering DD a day out with a DFriend I’d ask her which one she wanted to invite rather than offering to take both girls.

Do you think she would read a book like this one on friendships?

I think you could say things like “she’s ok with her feet up” or “we can wait while she does ….”
But other than that I don’t think you should get involved to be honest as I think saying much more directly to B may effect your DDs friendship and at that age largely friendships need to be left to them

@AwayWiththe Preteens Section is usually helpful over issues like this one too

Yep, DD is in yr 6 and the social dynamics are ‘interesting’ at this age.

Where possible I try to leave them to it, they need to learn to navigate this stuff themselves. I offer advice when asked by DD about what she should do and if I observe the girls being particularly obnoxious in my presence then I address it.

She has one particular couple of friends who dislike each other, both very dominant loud personalities who want to be leading lady in every interaction. I have guided DD to see them separately because together they just snipe and bicker at each other.

Ah, this is Y6! I would just keep the friendships one to one and keep out of it. Manage it directly with your own dd, as in make it clear what kind behaviour should look like and how she shouldn’t tolerate bullying amongst her friends. Teach her how to stand up for them and herself. If you see anything worrying especially online once they all start to get phones, report to the school who is in a better position to address it.

There’s 4 months of Yr 6 left and then there’s probably not much likelihood of your DD having to navigate this particular dynamic again.
Yr 6 girls do get a bit spiky as they get close to the end of primary school and I think your best bet is just to try to preserve your own daughter’s peace. Everyone she likes won’t necessarily like each other and one to one friendships are not ‘lesser’, in fact they can be very comforting during the transition to secondary school.

I would absolutely be pulling B up on being rude if I heard it. 'Excuse me, A is more than welcome to have her feet up on my sofa' 'Thanks A for helping that caterpillar, that was really kind of you'

B sounds unpleasantly up herself.

Year 6 - it's not for the feint hearted!

Thank you everyone, really appreciate your responses and perspectives. I’ll steer clear of arranging meet ups with the three of them, and I’ve ordered that recommended book too ☺️