Connecting with son after car crash

[HeartShapedMum]

Unfortunately, I was recently a passenger in a pretty serious car crash. I sustained several fractures, including my back, pelvis and arm. I have had surgery on my arm and I’m still in a cast. So I’m pretty immobile atm and life has slowed down for me. I’m also suffering from post concussion syndrome, with headaches, nausea, insomnia and fatigue.
The thing that is getting to me most, is the affect I feel it’s having on my relationship with my five-year-old boy. I’ve really struggled having any energy to play with him and I feel immensely guilty. My husband is a fantastic dad and is obviously currently the main caregiver. He makes all meals, he does school runs, bedtime routines and he plays with him so well. So I’m pleased that my son is still having his needs met.
I’m just sad its not by me. I feel like my son only ever now really asks for his dad. (Understandably) he is currently the preference of choice at all times (again understandable) I feel I’m struggling to make connection with him and it’s getting me down.
I had my accident a month ago and I’m unsure of how long my Recovery will take overall. I guess I’m wondering how I can start reconnecting in a way that works both for my limited mobility and also for a five-year-old who’s very active and enjoys more roughhousing than sedentary play?

I’m sorry to hear you were in such a serious crash. I feel like one month in is still very early days for recovery, so my first thought is to be kind to yourself as much as possible.

I’m wondering if an opportunity to connect could be through the bedtime routine, which is naturally more relaxed than playtime (well, hopefully!). What does it look like in your family? Would there be any part of it that you could do more of, such as story time?

I forgot to add - I know it’s easy to say but honestly, you have nothing to feel guilty for! 💐

I feel like this will be a moment in time that you'll look back on and wonder why you're being hard on yourself. It's only been a month so please be kind to yourself.

It's great your son has his dad. I'd just suggest you chat to your son as much as he'd like. Are there any calmer activities he can do while you chat? Can you snuggle up with snacks to watch a film? I guess it depends what he (and you!) Like to do. What sort of things did you do before the accident and can any of those be adapted to work now?

Look after yourself OP, wishing you a speedy recovery.

Thankyou both for your replies and for your kind words 🤍 it means a lot!
We do movie nights and I’ll read him a bedtime story at night where he’ll sit with me in bed. I offer to play easy board games etc too but 80% of the time he’s not too interested. When he’s in a calmer mood it’s ok but that isn’t too often. He is very active and loves nothing more than chasing/football/basketball… so although he does join me in some stuff, it’s not the “enjoyable bits” he loves to do.
Without going into too much detail, he has always had a natural preference for his Dad and it’s broken my heart I’ve had to work very hard to build a connection with him. It felt like the last year we had really made progress and the preference was more balanced. (I know boys can have a preference for daddy but this went beyond the norms and was causing problems at home and eating away at me) I felt like I had failed as a mother and no one I knew was experiencing this. After seemingly having our breakthrough I feel so sensitive to this setting us back. Even when we watch a movie, he’ll sit on his dad’s lap. If I ask questions I get minimal responses but daddy gets all the detail. If I read a book he can’t wait for it to end so daddy can give him piggybacks to bed.
I’m so glad they have the relationship they do. I just wish I had some kind of relationship with him like that too. I feel like this time being immobile only exacerbates it all and I feel like I’m failing.
I think you’re both right, I need to be kinder to myself over this. I know this situation will get better in time and I’ll hopefully make a full recovery soon. I hope that this doesn’t affect my relationship in the long run xx

I’m in a similar boat. I am going through treatment for stage 3 cancer and have had lots of surgeries over the past 6 months. I’m not massively mobile due to treatment side effects. What can do though is sit or lie down!

So I can go to the playground and sit while he plays with friends. Or I can sit on the sofa while he builds Lego or watches tv. Usually I do bedtime while dh does all the tidying, but by 8pm I’m done for the day and need to lie down. So I lie down in bed and my 7 year old comes into our room, we do some reading, he falls asleep with me in our bed and then Dh carries him into his room and tucks him in when he finishes downstairs. I have a preteen as well and she might just come into our room to chat with me in bed before she takes herself off to sleep.

Kids don’t need constant doing and entertaining and playing with. I just come and sit with them whenever they are basically so we still have time together. Dh gets called in when any heavy lifting is involved. As for your specific issues with your relationship and his preference for his dad, can your Dh give you more 1 to 1 time? My ds has a massive preference for me. Me not being around (because I’ve been in hospital or unwell) has really helped their relationship, because Dh was the only parent available.

Hi @HeartShapedMum i was thinking about you and this thread last night and wondered how you were getting on? I hope your recovery is going well 🌷

Sorry for being late to respond! I’m terrible with technology and new to mumsnet!
@NoStyleLeft Thankyou for reaching out to ask how I am getting on- that’s really kind of you. My recovery is definitely moving in the right direction (although it’s been slightly more complicated than I first thought) but I’m very grateful to be entering the next stage of it 🤍
I managed to make a lot of progress bonding with my boy during the less active stages.. on top of the usual things I was trying, one main thing that helped was I ordered a Pokémon ball plushie. He is obsessed with Pokémon and so I thought I’d try playing a game where I sit on the sofa, and he runs around the lounge and I have to throw the Pokémon plushie at him to “catch him”. He loved this and would pretend to be his favourite Pokémon. It was a huge hit! So he was able to be active and run around, play pretend whilst I could still be involved being sat down. That opened up our own little game and bonding time that didn’t revolve around “chilled or down time”. After that I started feeling more relaxed about things. He then would cuddle more in evenings and snuggled with me for movies. Things have improved so much in that area and just like you guys said- I have looked back at that time and thought I shouldn’t of worried and been so hard on myself 🤍
I am now moving around without a crutch and able to walk further. I do still get back ache and bad nerve pains but I have started physio and hope to continue to improve! I also had my cast off my arm- I am likely going to need another operation but have started physio on that too and we will see how things go.
Thankyou ladies for your replies, advice and encouragement! It was quite a desperate time and it was nice to have people to reassure things will be ok.
@mindutopia thankyou for your advice too! I’m so sorry to hear your diagnosis. I hope you are responding well to treatment and you are making a recovery 🌷