How to feel less awkward on school run?

[boolooandscoo]

So my DC is in year R, he is very sociable and has lots of friends, mostly ones he went to nursery with so I know the mums and we chat.
I only do it a couple of times a week where DS goes to breakfast club but I can’t help but feel really awkward on the school run. It gives me a bit of social anxiety for some reason! I didn’t feel this at all at nursery but I guess it’s because everyone dropped a fan whereas now we all stand in groups for 5/10 mins in the playground in the morning.
what’s up with me? Anyone else?

I can't gel with the parents much.

Try inviting the kids round to play, you'll get a chance to chat with the parents, round our way the parents stay at these.

What exactly is bothering you? You know some of the other parents, your DS is doing fine, you only do it a couple of times a week -- so what exactly is it that's making you anxious?

Can’t you still drop and run? g

I try and time it so we arrive at school just as the doors open. Easy for us as we walk so I don't have to judge traffic timings.

I understand op...I used to feel so awkward....and I'm actually fine in other social situations, but the school gate was just different and I can't explain why!

Yes this is exactly it @thatsfunnybecausefor some reason, I think it makes me feel like I’m back at school maybe?
I guess I feel pressure to “get on” with others so my son doesn’t miss out maybe. And I guess seeing “groups” triggers my anxiety that this is rub off on the kids maybe!? I don’t even know really I just know I feel awkward!

I literally don't speak to anyone on the school run 😂 I speak to my DC about anything and everything so that nobody is tempted to approach me 😂

It really sounds terrifying. How can you all cope?

I'm the same. I think I'm better speaking to people 1 to 1. So at the nursery gate I talk to who ever is queuing up at the same time. But at school there are groups and I'm not good at approaching a group. Don't put too much pressure on it though. I made so much effort in KS1 then you realise by KS2 we say no more than a quick 'morning' as most people are either too busy dealing with their younger DC or drop and run.

I speak to one mum on the school run. I collect afterwards but use breakfast club in the morning. And she is going back to work after maternity leave next week so wont be around.
I just keep to myself even though my DS has alot of friends. To be honest, most people have their established groups. I'm not one for getting involved in that.

This feeling is quite common, and probably a few other parents on the school run will feel it too! I do most of my son's dropoffs (he's in reception too), and what helps me feel better is knowing that nobody is going to judge me if I don't talk to anyone on a certain day - it's a good principle in life to know that people are noticing and thinking about you a lot less than you fear. So sometimes I'll chat, sometimes I won't - it depends on how I feel. Although I am a dad so perhaps I'm not expected to be sociable at all!

You don’t have to stand around in groups. I’ve been doing the school run for 8 years and I’m pretty sure I’ve never said more than good morning, how are you? in passing to anyone in the morning. There might be a few mums who hang around in groups after the gates close, but most are in and out because need to get to work. If you are determined to stick around and chat, just ask people how they are, chat about the weather turning, ask if they have any plans for the Easter holidays. Stick to the people you know. Or just chat to your child if you really aren’t feeling social.

@boolooandscoo
I think the second half of your first sentence hits the nail on the head!
Dropping my children off at the school gate, and waiting there to collect them at home time absolutely took me back to my own school days, and all the anxieties about fitting in/making friends.
Cliques amongst parents of primary school children most definitely exist, unfortunately consisting mainly of women.
At my kids' primary school if your face didn't fit then you were excluded - sometimes obviously and cruelly. The criteria for being "accepted" seemed to be about being well off, and/or your and/or partner having "prestigious" jobs.....think doctors, consultants, successful business people etc.
I do not exaggerate when I say I found the school run terrifying - I once attempted to chat with a mum from the clique who was standing alone briefly - she didn't make eye contact and was constantly looking around or past me for someone more superior to talk to.
I had zero confidence back then, and would behave very differently now.
So you are not alone OP, and I hope you get some helpful responses from this thread.

I could write this message myself. I am a really chatty and sociable person but find this is a totally different kettle of fish. I moved from Essex (where my daughter was at preschool) and everyone was quite friendly and nice on the pre school run! To Norfolk and Christ, the playground feels like a morgue. I have tried to make eye contact, smile, take an interest in babies in prams and ask how old etc, nothing. Totally stonewalled. The thought of doing this every day for another 10 plus years (daughter is 4, baby boy is 10 weeks!) is making me feel quite unwell. Don't know if it's the accent or something else but just feels so horrible. Everyone keeps saying "its early days, everyone is finding their feet" but, she went to the preschool which is in the same bit and same playground since April and it was quite similar in terms of weirdness from the parents there as well! Horrid.

And it makes no the slightest difference to the children's friendships. I was one of only two WOHMs in DS's class of 27 at his first primary, and I did the school run on average once or twice a week, as usually DS went to wraparound care -- he still got invited on playdates and to parties, and I reciprocated when I could. Me being unable to pick the other parents out of a police line up made no difference to his social life.

Clique or group of friends? It’s ok for people not to be friends with everyone or not open invitations for coffee, play dates or anything to everyone. Obviously if someone isn’t nice like the mum you encountered then you know they’re not your kind of person but not sure why at the school gate it’s a clique but in every other environment they’re groups of friends.

@NerrSnerr Gosh - I was surprised when I saw an email from Mumsnet telling me I had been quoted from a post I made back in March!
However.........of course it would be unreasonable, unnecessary, and crazy for someone to feel they had to invite everyone to every social occasion.
And cliques exist in every place where people spend time together regularly, (e.g. offices and other workplaces), not just at the school gate. Exactly where did I specify that the school gate were the only places where cliques existed?
Anyway......In my experience, I would define "group of friends" as exactly that.
A group of people who a) spend time together and who presumably like each other, and b) who are open and maybe even welcoming to other people joining them.
A clique is a group of people in category a), but most certainly not b).
The group is definitely a closed one, and infiltrators/newcomers are fiercely resisted and not made welcome.
If you haven't experienced being shunned by a group, you are very fortunate! 😊

Update: DC is in year 1 now, things are much easier now for me so if anyone’s just started the school runs hopefully this will give you some hope.
The group of mums that I was feeling a bit awkward round, are still a group, but I’ve found myself feeling more comfortable with accepting that they are closer and I hover on the outside (on the two days DC isn’t at breakfast club) and it doesn’t actually bother me I’m not more involved, it’s certainly not affecting my DC, and if the other kids meet up with mine, my DC is not aware or if they are they don’t care!
Im still not a lover of small talk, but I’ve also found it very much acceptable (and most mums seem to do it), just to turn up at last minute and drop and run, not charting required!

Without mine*