When do you say enough is enough adult children

[namechanged4goodreason]

Evening MN ive name changed for this and im just looking for advice from anyone that has goes though this without going into to much outing details.
I have an adult 20 child move out but still rings for money if i dont give it and i dont they will try and start argument.
And will get very vocal with me i do try to stand my ground but i dont like fighting.
Its worse when said child drinks ive tried talking when they are sober and its ok but then it goes to pot with in a day.
Things have gotten worse over the past few months i love them but dont like them if that make sense.
No SEN at all just all attitude and im fed up with it its like walking on eggshells even though we are not even in the same town.
I constantly worry about what if whats next etc what if they get hurt or someone hurts them because they are drunk and most likely causing trouble.
Even if its a good day i still find myself minding my words.
Even tonight im worried as we had a row over the phone with threats of smashing phones etc curse words i did try to calm it down but i no matter what i say it seems to make it worse.

I just feel sometimes it would be better to walk away and be done when is enough enough with an adult child.
As anyone just gave up.

That sounds so tough, you need to put boundaries in place to protect yourself. Be clear they need to stop asking for money, it’s not on you to fund them. If they become abusive/agressive calmly end the call. It’s hard but their choices are not your responsibility, your dc needs to learn through consequences.

How frequently are they getting drunk? Do they work and support themselves? Is their father in the picture?

20 is barely an adult, still very immature at that age. Sounds like the need support and help, not just money.
Please don't walk away from them. Just because they've reached 18 doesn't mean you get to stop being a parent.

You just have to say if you ask for money I am going to end the call.

What is their financial situation? Do they need budgeting advice?

My DC has 11k in savings, 1k in cash accessible savings and 10k invested (after he got his CTF when he was 18). He knows this is his emergency money and not to ask us for money. He is a student and we pay for a meat box a few times a year, his rent and bills, gym membership, travel home on the train and phone. He has to live off the minimum student loan. This is around £800 to £1000 a month and likely to continue for another 4 years as he is doing a 6 year degree. However, he knows he has to budget and use his own money for emergencies as this is a lesson we want him to learn in life. Living on a budget.

Can you give your DD an emergency fund, help her budget and make it clear this is it and then implement stricter boundaries?

*This costs us £800 to £1000 a month his student loan is just under 5k a year which is the money he has to budget and live off.

Where are they living? Are they working?

This sounds really difficult and as if they're struggling with alcohol. Do you think they're using drugs as well?

I think if they're demanding money and being argumentative then just say you have to go, end the call and try again in a few days. Tell them that they're a different person when drinking and you prefer talking when they're sober.

It’s hard but you need to tell them you can’t speak to them when they’re drinking. Sober conversations only. If they aren’t managing their money offer advice and maybe meals but not cash. As pp said, are they working? How are they living independently?

If they ring for money say no. And if they start an argument put the phone down and put them on mute. Do you know why they need money from you so often?

That’s hardly living on a budget! £200/250 a week to himself. Just food and entertainment!

Living the life of Riley. Most adults who work don’t have that kind of spare cash. some people need a reality check

What is he asking money for?
Is he working?
When he’s sober, have a chat with him and offer to help manage his finances, budget and perhaps help with improving job prospects.

Student loan is less than 5k so it is less than £100 a week over 52 weeks that he has to live on not sure how you got to £250 a week.

The £800 to & £1000 is what it costs us to pay for his rent and bills.

He is on a challenging degree and does not get long holidays like other students and we don’t give him money when he is at home.

Less than 5k student loan a year to budget is less than £100 a week over 52 weeks. Not £250!

£800 to £1000 is what it costs us a month to pay his rent and bills.

@doodahdayy and @FrenchandSaunders this was clear on the update after my original thread not sure how you could have missed it as it was so obvious. Many students who are on the lowest maintenance loan live off under 5k with parents paying for rent and bills.

I don’t think a discussion about the financial arrangements of @Happypeoplearehappyand their adult child is especially relevant to the OP’s request for advice. She isn’t asking about whether her adult child can/should manage their money better. She is asking for advice about how to navigate difficult conversations when she turns down their requests for money.
Meanwhile, @namechanged4goodreasonI think you can and should end any call that becomes aggressive. You are trying to reason with someone who is not being reasonable and it is perfectly fine to say “I love you but I wont be spoken to like that. I am no longer going to give you money and if you break your phone, I am not buying you another one so bear that in mind before you smash it.

@SandrenaIsMyBloodType the thing is OP is concerned that the way you suggest (which she clearly states she has tried on numerous occasions) is only resulting in more animosity and no solutions. The results of which, are making her feel like walking away completely.

Maybe her 20 year old needs help before she gets tougher, that is why a different perspective on how others manage the expectations of the young adults in their life in relation to money management is better than just saying cut the conversation dead and get really tough.

Obviously, the OP cares deeply for her adult DC and realises they are struggling.

OP hasn’t come back to us with any details about her DC’s financial circumstances so we are offering a different perspective from our own experiences with our own DC and money management.

Have you dealt with this in your life with your DC?

I’d end phone calls when they escalate; just say I’ll talk to you when you’re not angry/shouting etc then follow up with a message a couple of hours later.
Why does he need money? If he needs it for food then offer to send a food order, you’ll quickly find out that way if that’s what he actually needs it for.

I'd read the book of boundaries by Melissa Urban and put in very strong boundaries around DC's behaviour for example you could put the phone down if they ring you drunk or are abusive. You could stop phonecalls altogether and communicate via text and/or meet in person.

Are they genuinely struggling for money or just being demanding? At 20 their brain isn't yet fully developed (no excuse for the behaviour but potentially there is time to change) so I wouldn't write them off altogether yet, I'd just put some very strong boundaries in place.