Four year olds

[MMMMama]

Looking for some advice on how to handle a tricky friendship situation with my 4-year-old son.

He’s currently in the nursery class of a school since September and has formed a strong attachment to another boy, but unfortunately, this child doesn’t seem to be a great influence on him. Since they became “friends”, my son has started using phrases like “I don’t care” and “you’re an idiot” at home, which he says he’s picked up from this boy. His behaviour has also changed—he’s more defiant and craves this child’s validation constantly, asking me if the boy would like certain things, wanting to bring toys in to impress him, etc. However, most of the time, the other child dismisses him or isn’t very nice to him.

We raised it at parents’ evening in October, but the teacher didn’t see a need to separate them because their play is sometimes “purposeful.” I’ve been actively encouraging my son to make new friends at school parties and playdates, but he insists this boy is the most fun.

Recently, my son has stopped telling us of some of the incidents at school, as he knows we’ll tell him to avoid this child. Then last week, this boy hit my son twice in the face. There was no mark, and I don’t think it was particularly violent (they are only 4), but my son said he cried the first time it happened but the teacher saw on the second time. The school didn’t inform us, only the other child’s parent mentioned it and apologised the next day.

I’d love advice on how to approach the teacher, as she seems quite dismissive and almost argumentative, and any tips to help my son distance himself from this friendship. We’re planning to request separate classes for Reception in September, but in the meantime, I feel like we’ve tried everything with little success.

We have considered going above the teacher but concerned on the repercussions for our little one.

It is difficult because obviously you are biased and want to protect your precious child. I do get it as I have a boy the same age and he looks up to another boy in his nursery class and I feel he's not a great influence. He doesn't hit though. I think you may have to run its course but if he hits again definitely raise it. With regards to the phrases he's using you'd possibly find they all speak using similar phrases.

It could be that this boy has older siblings and has picked up the language from them...honestly, we are in a middle class area and my daughter had learned the F word from a class mate by the end of year 1. So unfortunately he is going to be exposed the sort of language the boy is using....

It's a tricky one, we had similar with my daughter. They will pick their own friends. I guess the only way to approach it is to have play dates with other children, encourage other friendships and yes - request to have them in separate classes. It could be that he's having a lot of fun with this child though and if the school are not concerned about their friendship I wouldn't be going overboard to shit it down.

There will always be kids in the class that you wouldn't pick out to be your child's friends. But they do learn about resilience, negotiation and managing emotions through more challenging friendships so it's not all bad....

Thanks for your responses.

I actually forgot to include the trigger for my post!!!

My little boy reached out to hit me at bed time tonight which he’s never done, I acted shocked and he got a little upset and apologised so I sat him on my knee and we spoke about it and he said “I’m just feeling a little sad…” so I was asking questions for more info and he said he never wants to see other child again, had no reason why when I asked but repeatedly said he was feeling sad.

Queue the tears from me to my husband afterwards and wondering how best to approach it!

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