Tell me about your 5 year old girls...

[Mummabear04]

I'm just looking to get an idea if my DD behaviour is in the relm of normal or if we might need to get her checked out. There has always been something with her that I can't quite put my finger on but she is also our first DC and so it might be that we as parents are learning as we go. I do have another DC who is 2 years old and is very different in personality and seems more like a bog standard kid to my DD who has not long turned 5 years old.

DD is such a bright, clever, caring little girl and love her to bits but I also find her quite challenging and I'm not sure how to navigate some of her behaviours. Here are some things that worry me...

-she struggles to sit still at the table despite eating at the table for 90% of meals and also spends a lot of time there drawing. She will often just fall of her chair and hurt herself.

-absolutely endless energy and then will have a crash at the end. I will say I think she takes after DH who is very athletic and when I compare her to other girls her age, she is much more agile and strong. She could spend all day in motion and struggles to sit down to rest and in turn she will burn out and have big emotional outbursts.

-has very big emotional outbursts over little things like uncomfortable clothes or if her school bag isn't sitting right. She struggles to calm down from these even though I go through deep breaths (says she can't do it for crying), cuddles (she just keeps crying), talking about the problem (she will listen but says she still can't control her emotions). Some mornings she will cry all the way to school and won't stop until she sees a friend. At home sometimes if I leave her in her room with the door open and sit in my room next door with the door open then she will have maybe 15 mins of letting it all out and then come through like nothing has happened.

-copies her friends all the time. Lots of little things like if we are walking to school and sees her friend with their bag off then she will no longer want to carry her bag. Copies the annoying things her friends say etc.

-always seems to pick one friend and then have horse glasses on for them. She has a lovely little relationship with her BF and I worry she isn't playing with other kids. She also has a very strong preference to me over DH (despite DH working from home since she was a baby and him being a very present father) and when at my DP showing a strong preference to DM.

-when playing a make believe game, she gets very investigated and wants me to call her by whatever chosen name all day every day. Gets very involved and doesn't want to ever stop playing it.

-struggles to leave play dates and gets very upset when it's time to go home.

Some other things to note are that she is very bright and loves the activities at school. She is always wanting to learn and even at home is always wanting to practice reading and writing, loves numbers and learning about anatomy (randomly loves the body). She also just loves drawing princesses and rainbows etc. She is very sweet and caring towards her little brother. She eats very well and will try new things, she struggles to go to sleep and wakes up early but once asleep she is a great sleeper. She is such a great kid but for the reasons above I do struggle to know how to navigate these things. I often feel absolutely exhausted after spending a whole day with her and I'm not sure if it's just me not being able to cope as a parent (my DH is the same) or if we need to get her checked out. I don't get to see the other kids when she's at school to see if the other kids are like this too and during play dates the kids just disappear into the bedroom to play. Would it be possible for OP to give their experiences of a 5 year old girl please?

I know that children can behave differently at school than home. Things are more structured and predictable generally.
Have school staff mentioned any concerns re social interactions, concentration, emotional regulation etc? Does she have an uneven developmental profile?

It does sound like she may have some sensory differences. It also appears she is looking at peers to copy behaviour and speech.

In addition to speaking to the class teacher and SENCO you could speak to your GP about your concerns and request an OT assessment too
( referral pathways can vary) A SALT assessment may also be beneficial to unpick social interaction.

My DD is 5 in July. She fits most of what you said your DD does, she had a play date the other day for the first time and cried for 3 hours after coming home. She’s very overly sensitive and gets hyper-focused on what I would say are little things. I have been suspecting possible ADHD, but on the other hand she may just be a sensitive individual. It’s quite hard at this age to separate ‘age appropriate behaviour’ isn’t it! I’m giving it a couple of years to see if she grows out of it

Agree with @24Dogcuddler

My 6 year old DD is very similar in terms of emotional outbursts, sticking to one friend and getting upset leaving playdates. She has sensory issues too and is forever fidgeting (a weighted blanket is helping at bedtime).

I suspect she has ADHD (I think I do too). She has a younger sister, and I don't see the same issues that I've noticed from a very young age with my oldest.

I'm going to speak to her teacher at parents evening this month, though I suspect she's a delight at school and doesn't put a foot wrong. She's a very loving and clever girl with so many wonderful qualities. As she gets older I notice the differences between her and her peers. It's difficult when they're young, I've put so many things down to her age or being more sensitive and aware of her emotions but I honestly don't think that's why.

I would say meet the senco at school and discuss with them, they will provide the paths to referrals.
The waiting lists are long and you are your child's best advocate, so try to get the school in conversation.
Often the school will not see any issue due to masking but you will see the meltdowns in the evening, but don't let that make you doubt yourself!
You can get the educational psychologist to see your child but I think they mainly suggest improvements within school, but that could be things that help with the transition to home as well

She sounds very much like my DD who will be 5 in May. She’s an only child so no idea if it’s normal but it’s exhausting 😅

It’s very sad to read the comments…
OP describes a perfectly normal 5yo behaviour and most replies are suggesting SEN… No wonder the schools are struggling

There’s nothing weird in your daughters behaviour as you describe it but you probably need to adjust a few things in your routine. Firstly, you need to set her up to succeed. Are you giving her sugar and letting her watch high intensity cartoons? If you are, you can’t really complain about the inevitable crash afterwards. 5 is still very young. Long days are tiring and their bodies and nervous systems are rapidly developing. They also have no life experience and can’t tell you what needs changing. You need to observe your daughter and match her rhythm. Does her bed time need changing? Does she need quiet time after school to recharge? Or physical activity to let off some steam? Can she handle screen time or is it better to leave it for weekends only? How is her diet overall? Maybe it’s actually making her mildly constipated. You’d be grumpy too if you were constantly in discomfort.
Just look how different the adults around you are - some are night owls, some are full of energy in the morning, some get easily addicted to social media and others don’t care about it, a colleague that gets buzzing after too much coffee etc. You need to find what suits your daughter.

Secondly, there are many phases of child development. Figuring their place among peers is a big part of it. Copying friends is normal, focusing on one friend is normal. Preferring one parent at some point is normal. This is all a part of figuring out how the world works and who they are. Your job as a parent is to provide guidance and context so the child can make good choices. Pathologising it is about the worst thing you can do. I strongly suggest you do some general reading about normal childhood phases (from academic perspective not pop-psychology parenting books).

Btw, the emotional outbursts about little things are perfectly normal too and very likely not actually about those things but about something bigger that’s bothering her but she’s unable to articulate it. For example, a lost friendship, feeling disconnected from the family because younger sibling is getting more attention or the realisation that everyone will die at some point including themselves and their parents. You or DH need to give her space to open up and ask you questions but the way to do it will depend on what type of person your daughter is - might be during a bike ride on a weekend or at bed time once the lights are out etc.