Feeling like I need to be Miss Rachel

[Namechan98459857]

I have a gorgeous very very active 2.5 DS. He is full on all day long and sometimes doesn’t go to bed until 9.30 if he has napped. Needless to say my DH and I are a bit knackered.

My thing atm is that I want to keep him stimulated and play, and give him enough attention which between us and his grandparents he gets lots of.

However, this is turning into me feeling like I need be 💯 on and as if I am like Miss Rachel whenever I am with him or I worry I’m not being ‘enough’ for him. When I have him I worry about doing anything like cooking and cleaning as I won’t be giving him my full attention, so then it piles up for when my DH gets home but even then if DS is in the house I feel guilty doing anything but play with him or chat to him.

I also work 32 hours a week so this is leaving me exhausted and I’m unsure if this is even the right thing to be doing. Does anyone else give this level or is it unnecessary? I totally get that with more DC’s this would simply be impossible.

Honestly, for both of your sakes, you and he need some down time. Can you set him up with duplo, playdoh, or now the weather is better, a shallow basin of water in the garden? You start the activity with him then withdraw a bit but stay close. He learns to entertain himself a bit, you get to sit nearby with a cuppa for a few minutes. Over time, hopefully the independent play will improve for him and you will get to relax or do some jobs.

Something definitely needs to give. What PP suggested about encouraging independent play is a huge part of it to let you get on with some things. I would also say include your DS in what you're doing. DD (18 months) loves 'helping' with things like hanging up washing, she stands on her toddler tower and watches while I prep tea. It's so good for them to be part of these everyday tasks from early on so it's not a huge new thing when you have to introduce them. They don't know the difference between a game & a chore, they're just delighted to be involved!

Getting your DS involved in cooking and house chores at this age will be a big benefit to them - they'll grow up with 'this is what our family does', rather than 'that's what my parents do'. So get him doing the dusting, handing you pegs, age-appropriate kitchen tasks. If you let him try things, you'll soon find what he enjoys and then you're spending time together and he's learning about running a house. If he's not in the mood one day, getting him doing an adjacent task e.g. playing with toys in the room you are cleaning, is a great way to start that little bit of independence whilst he still has your attention when needed.

I agree with the previous poster (specifically, I was referring to @TeaHagTeaBag when I started writing my post, but also agree with the others too), you need some down time and some balance!

It's absolutely fine for little children to play independently for a bit with you keeping an eye on them... e.g. play dough on the kitchen table while you clean surfaces/empty dishwasher, etc.

Where possible (and when I have the time/patience 🤣), I also try to incorporate jobs into "mummy/play time". Helping you is just as (if not more) interesting and stimulating as playing with toys. E.g. at the age of 2.5 I found that my boys were occupied for quite some time by attaching socks/underwear to the socktopus (IKEA hanger with pegs) while I pegged out the big stuff... or pair up/find laundry to put away while I did the rest. They can "help" with cooking by stirring things, grating cheese, laying their place setting at the table (assuming plastic plates etc) and cutlery! I currently have a baby to occupy plus two older boys and she's often found in the high chair playing with plastic cutlery/safe implements while she watches me clean the kitchen! The supermarket shop can be a good "two birds with one stone" activity (although that can depend on how many children you have in tow and how much time you have... 🤣)

I think it's ok to categorise time into essential things that need to get done (and therefore you won't be giving much attention for the duration) and balancing with real quality time. I think nothing of whizzing round for a while doing a few jobs like the breakfast clear up, quick tidy, make sandwiches for having lunch out, put washing out, etc. while the children play/watch TV (or help me, as above!), then we'll go out (or stay in and do something) together and have proper quality time where they have my full attention for a while. I kind of think of the time that I'm not giving them much attention as the preparation/set up for the quality time parts of the day.

I think there's a lot of pressure to be perfect due to social media etc. The reality is that parents time will always be split between housework/meal prep/etc. and child focused activities. It's been like this forever and there's no reason to feel guilty about it whatsoever!

Madness ! Your role is a parent. Not an entertainer.

As a parent - they need you to be teaching them things , like independent play, like housework, like people are not always instantly available - basically the child needs to know the world doesn’t revolve around him and that that is ok

@Namechan98459857 please take it from a mom of a now 5.5 year old who still doesn't sleep properly/goes to bed at gone 9 and dropped naps around 2.5/3 depending on what ridiculous time of a morning he'd wake up - You are absolutely Enough. You do NOT need to be "on" you just need be you.

You obviously love your child a lot and that's wonderful but you will burn out for sure.

Drop the naps, get your evenings back and give yourself some grace. It is so important for their development to ensure they can play on their own and super important - particularly as he gets older - that he gets the satisfaction of helping out at home. Get him cleaning alongside you with some fun music on, get some toddler friendly knives for him to help cook, spend some time looking at books together - this is all just as important.

If he grows up expecting nonstop excited entertainment that will actually create a different problem.

It's also totally fine to set up his room and leave him to play and make yourself a cup of tea. Put out a water table and drink a glass of wine and read a book... these things are all fine too :-)

Thanks all, it’s good to hear your perspectives. I think I also just see his grandparents too being really fun and ‘on’, which he loves, but I also forget that they have time to recharge and recoup when he is at home.

@Namechan98459857 You can play with him and still be yourself!

And mix it up, do a silly game with voices or whatever then build some Duplo just chatting normally. Be a monster at the playground but run some errands just chatting about people you see, the shops you'll go to or whatever. Do a dramatic reading of a short book in the day but have a calm story at night. Let him watch hey Duggee while you have a breather 🤣

It's great to be playful and get into it sometimes, they love it and it's fun for a bit. But it's also important they get the real You as well 🙂💜

It does children no favours if they can’t learn to amuse themselves. Also what is the role modelling if you’re working 32 hours but also responsible for all the cooking and cleaning? Children (especially boys) need to grow up knowing that they are loved but the world doesn’t entirely revolve around them and that domestic work is shared by both mum and dad.

Absolutely this. I can’t think of anything worse than being a dancing monkey for my child. Mine is 3 and there is no way I could be bothered with this.

Start leaving him to play by himself now or you’re going to be in a world of trouble when he’s 6 and doesn’t know how to entertain himself. Honestly, this is my idea of hell.

Kids don’t need people to be “on” all the time. I can’t imagine what this would even look like! It must be completely exhausting. Your child needs to learn that you’re a person with a life of your own. You’re not a toy.

Missing the point of the post somewhat - but I can't be the only person who had to Google Miss Rachel? The only one I knew was the rather bossy neighbour in Anne of Green Gables.

Oh and yes, stop the naps. 9:30 is not an appropriate bedtime for a 2 year old.

If nothing else be motivated by the fact that constant external stimulation is not actually particularly good for children and entertaining themselves/pottering/being bored is important for kids. I have never been as ‘on’ as you but my eldest definitely had more 1:1 attention obviously and now needs a lot more input and ‘help’ to entertain themselves while DC2 will potter around independently for hours and hours. I know which child I find easier now they’re getting older!!

My kids are 6 and 4, there is no way I'd be leaving all the house work to constantly play and chat with them. From a young age, they got used to independent play and that grown ups have to do chores and aren't always at their beck and call. We cuddle, eat meals together, watch a film, play a game, go to the playground, activities, day trips etc. But for many hours of the day, I am busy with chores and things that cannot be left. I also work, and need to maintain my own relationships. My children are well rounded, intelligent kids. There's no harm in raising independent children

I’ve worked in early years and primary schools, and you can tell which children are used to being constantly engaged and stimulated, and which ones have been left to play and explore independently (safely, obviously). The latter children are resourceful, can solve problems and don’t get bored. The former wander around settings full of amazing activities, toys and friends, saying they don’t know what to do.

plus, you will absolutely kill yourself if you carry on like this!