Nearly three year old very scared of strangers in familiar setting

[TashieWoo]

Hi I really need some advice please. My DD (3 in May) is very scared of strangers when they’re in a familiar place and I’d like to help her through it rather than avoiding the situation altogether if possible. It’s so hard to do the right thing. Since she was born she’s visited my grandma (95yo) every other week. She’s had her little routines there and has played with her and hugged her goodbye etc, all very sweet.

Last October she was in hospital for a few weeks so she didn’t see her then I took her round after about 6 weeks away and she was a bit shy but fine (she’s always been one to warm up then start playing etc). Then grandma went into hospital again on Boxing Day and came home about 4 weeks ago on palliative care with a live in carer. She has a hospital bed downstairs and an oxygen machine with oxygen in her nose, although doesn’t have it on all the time. DD is terrified of the carer. She was quite in her face the first time she met her and DD was hysterical, then sat on my lap and calmed down, until the other carer came in, so I took her home. I’ve been taking her to grandma’s each week as I want her to get used to it, but I’ve taken her with my dad or DH so she can sit with either of them, which she does for a bit then she usually gets off their lap and starts playing, says hi to grandma etc. Still no hugs but I don’t make her do anything she doesn’t want to do, I let her do things at her pace and if she wants to stay on someone’s lap she can.

I try and make it so she doesn’t see the carer (she has her break and stays upstairs) but on the times DD has seen her she cries and is clearly scared. Today she was upstairs but every time DD heard movement upstairs she said she wanted to go home. We did take her home soon after.

i just don’t know what to do for the best. There are still some lovely and positive interactions but DD is always worried about seeing the carer. I don’t know how long my grandma has left and she adores DD, but doesn’t want her to be upset or withdrawn either.

I will say that DD is generally scared of unfamiliar people in familiar places, when there were workmen at nursery and they had to use a different entrance for a few weeks she was v upset, so she’s been like this before. Developmentally she is fine and is very articulate. She told me that she’d scared of the carer but not great grandma. How can I build resilience kindly in an age appropriate way? If that is possible?

thanks in advance x

kids that age can be scared for no very good reason. the only thing you can do is remain calm and model normal unstressed behaviour. so if DD comes to you, give her a cuddle but still greet the carer as normal and get on with things

be fairly brisk and cheerful, while letting her stay close to you.

I think you're title is rather misleading here. The problem is not any stranger per say - it's this one particular person for whom she has developed a fear. You say that the first interaction she had with the carer was negative, and that has made a deep impression on her. I think you need to acknowledge and respect that, while still continuing as you are. Your child is extremely young and the best way you can build resilience is to show her that you or other loved ones will always be there for her, will take her fears seriously and give her the comfort/reassurance she needs. Is is developmentally appropriate for her to be acting this way, so don't overthink it too much.
You can calmly explain before each visit that the carer is someone who helps Grandma, and that we love Grandma so we'll still keep visiting her and we're thankful the carer is there, and then leave it.