Relationship breakdown help

[whattodo123412]

I need some perspective here please as my head is all over the place.

Husband, we have a mortgage and 2 children 4&7.

It's just not working. We don't agree on how to handle things parenting wise (various struggles) which is causing tension and likely making the children struggle even more.

I can't afford the house alone, we are both average earners.

Should I try and keep the house and get him to move out? Obviously I'd have to sell eventually as cant buy him out or should I sell up and find something new now? Financially no idea how I'd manage either option alone but have to figure it out. How do people manage this situation with young children especially ND who struggle having a week off school due to lack of structure let alone having everything they've ever known turned upside down. I'm not sure what I need to prioritise here and how things move forward.

I am only going by the information in your post

I think you need to prioritise getting onto a parenting course together and generally trying to get things as amicable as possible before filing for divorce.

Divorce is not a magic solution to everything. Whatever difficulties you have now and their effects on the children will be multiplied many fold unless you and your husband are on good speaking term. Acrimonious divorces are also very expensive.

You can't force your husband to move out unless he chooses to do so. Good and respectful communication is the key to getting out of marriage with least trouble and expense.

I suggest you speak to your children's school and nursery. They have seen warring parents before. They are most likely aware of your marriage difficulties already. Whatever you say won't be any great surprise to them. I suggest you ask them to signpost you for help in meditating different parenting styles and potentially for marriage counselling. A good marriage counsellor will explore all options, including helping the couple to split.

I hope it helps

So your husband would be paying half a mortgage and rent?

The PP put it perfectly

Thank you for your message and the suggestions.

I don't think a divorce is a priority for either of us right now, more figuring out how to manage the separation. Is there any benefit to doing the divorce immediately?

I have suggested counselling before and it's not something he is willing to try.

School are aware too as we have been trying to find a way to manage this for a while now but just not making progress and I feel it's time to stop now.

I don't know if the upheaval of moving is the right thing to do for the children but likewise we will need to do it eventually so do we just get it done sooner rather than later?

No, I'd have to handle the mortgage until we sold and he would handle his rent.

You could do it that way but in reality he will be advised to stay put and he probably will.

Start of by getting a one off consultation with a solicitor to find out your rights regarding divorce and assets. You might not want a divorce right now but your advice will have to be based around it. Prior to the appointment gather/copy all financial information of yours, his and joint including pensions.

Start decluttering the house, get all little odd jobs fixed while you think things through. Mentally look around as if you were buying and see where the priorities are including kerb appeal.

Start looking on Rightmove to see similar houses to estimate how much yours is worth (minus your mortgage) as this will give you an approximate amount you will get for your deposit. Then start looking for your new place. Continually tweak over price, location and wants. Be prepared to accept having to change schools - better to do it now than in five years - to get a better value house. Be prepared to use a dining room as your bedroom as a 2 bed is cheaper to buy, so look for ways to tweak internally too. Would a 2 bed and you add a conservatory be cheaper than a 3 bed for instance.

It might seem overwhelming but break everything down into different parts, then break those parts down into manageable steps. There's a good reason official documents are broken into Parts 1a, 1b, 1c even 1d i), 1d ii).

Start dreaming a beautiful, peaceful and happier future.

EDIT - go on a benefits checker to see if you will get any top ups, even if it's only for child care.

I am sorry to hear you have tried a few things already and it's not working out.

Is your husband generally an obstinate man?

My husband and I had widely different views on parenting. We found a 5 weeks parenting course helpful. We both had to compromise and meet in the middle. Would it be worth looking at a different provider or going private?

I can't answer the question whether it's better to start divorce sooner than later. Every situation is different.

Getting separation or divorce because you can't agree on parenting might seem like an easy option now. However if these issues aren't resolved you won't be able to parent effectively. Teenagers are notoriously difficult to handle in the best of times. I suggest you find a way of getting parenting compromise before anything else. Perhaps you could start a separate Mumsnet thread, describe a specific example where you and your husband disagree and see what other parents say? Perhaps you could work your way through every area of disagreement in this way? There's a lot of wisdom on Mumsnet