Please help - extremely unhappy and challenging 1-year-old

[YourAquaPanda]

Hi

I've come here hoping for a bit of advice. I've got two girls, 4 and 1. My 1-year-old daughter is really challenging and has been since she was born. She just seems so unhappy about 3/4 of the time and is constantly crying and whining. She can't talk yet, so there is def an element of frustration which makes her angry. However, she cries at literally everything including getting her nappy changed or clothes on. She's also up crying several times per night at least and cries when you put her into her cot. She also cries when one of us leave the room, or if we put her in her highchair or the bath. I feel terrible saying it, but she's ruining us and our marriage. She's also impacting my eldest and waking her up. It's horrible as it's really hard not to get angry with her.
A lot of the time nothing will settle her. We stupidly decided not to give her a dummy when she was born, and now she won't take one.
She's had a difficult time recently too which hasn't helped. She had HFMD, then herpes, then norovirus. She was also born 2 weeks premature and ended up spending a few days in ICU due to Ventricular Septal Defect. However, it's been healing well, so she doesn't require any treatment.
She also has cows milk allergy, but has been on special formula for months.
I really don't know how much more either of us can take. We're both working full-time and getting no sleep. Our home life is miserable and it's so unfair on our eldest daughter.
We've spoken to our health visitor about it, but she's hopeless. We're obviously both concerned that there's something more serious going on, but hopefully there's not.
Has anyone any advice? I do feel that she might be a bit happier if she could get a good night's sleep as she doesn't sleep much during the day either. We've tried letting her cry it out, but she gets absolutely distraught.

Given she has had several health issues already, I’d be going that route first. Have you taken her to the GP? Wondering if she has some kind of pain she can’t tell you about. Does the crying seem worse after particular events in the day, or when she’s in certain positions or environments?

Sorry, that sounds really tough for all of you.

I’ve seen a few videos on YouTube lately of unhappy babies/small children having chiropractic treatment that has calmed them down a lot and settled digestion e.g. kinks fixed after the trauma of birth. Not that it’s necessarily that, but maybe she’s in pain of some sort and can’t tell you?

Start keeping a diary of food, sleep, nappies and behaviour. See if a pattern emerges
Go back to the GP and ask for a pediatrician referral.

First up, I have so much sympathy for you and your husband and older DD. I've been there. Dealing with a chronically unwell distressed child is so draining and crazy making. Be kind to yourselves. Second though, it is clear she's really distressed and seeking comfort. Please don't try sleep training while she's in that state. I have two children with chronic health conditions and these are things you could try:

• a good probiotic, you can get powdered ones for children. If she's had gastro and she has allergies she might have a constantly sore tummy.
• things to soothe her skin. My DD had very sensitive skin for ages after having HFMD. Bathe with oats in the bathwater, wash her clothes with a sensitive washing powder. Massage with something neutral like coconut oil.
• things to soothe her nervous system and help with sleep, white/brown noise and red lights in the bedroom, epsom salt baths, lots and lots of cuddles (I know you guys are exhausted and at breaking point but try your hardest). Consider cosleeping and baby wearing just to get you through this bit.
• melatonin

Consider seeking a specialist gastroneterologist and paediatrician opinion. She may have an additional issue that can be helped. Or she might just be really run down and feeling awful. Hang in there, it won't be forever.

I havnt any experience of this so can’t really help….but I’m sorry you’re going through this. I sincerely hope things improve for you all.

Do you ever give Calpol or nurofen when she is unhappy and if so does it seem to help? Just thinking that might point to whether there is a physical discomfort issue going on.

Thanks for the quick responses. It does sometimes seem that she might be in pain as she's throwing her head back. It also seems like she really hates being in her room/cot, or like she's really frightened in it. She has a night-light, so it's never dark and she's been in it since she was 6 months.

Do you remember what any of the videos were called? She did have a bit of a traumatic birth too, so that would be something worth looking into.

I'll definitely take her to the GP. It's just hard as people just assume that she's just a baby that won't sleep and she'll grow out of it. Nobody really appreciates how unhappy she must be, and how challenging it is for the rest of us.

Does she have any signs of reflux? Wondering if her aversion to the cot and bath is because lying down might make it worse if so.

Does she settle with cuddles? If so try putting her in a sling or carrier so you can at least be doing other things when needed.

Does she go to daycare? Is she like this there too?

I'll look into the probiotic thanks. She's fiercely independent so she's not always keen for cuddles 😂 we took turns sleeping in beside her when she was really unwell, so maybe we should do that again. She has a bath most night, but I'll try the noise and red light in her room.

She's been on calpol or ibuprofen a lot recently. Sometimes it helped and sometimes it didn't seem to make much of a difference so it's hard tell if it's all down to a physical discomfort. It could possibly be a digestive issue though so I'm not sure how much difference a pain killer would make.

I second taking her to a baby chiropractor. I took my eldest because he had a traumatic forceps delivery and was convinced he had pain. It helped. They do something like this

No signs of reflux and she does enjoy the bath eventually. It's just getting her into it and settled that's the problem.
She just started nursery twice per week 2 months ago, which is where she's probably picked up the other illnesses. The staff say she's great. She also has 2 days with her grandparents, but she's just the same with them as she is with us. Any idea why she might be better at nursery?

My 15 month old has been exactly the same for what seems like forever. He just seems to have snapped out of it in the last few days so there is hope.

I think teeth were to blame (has 16 teeth already now!) and also separation anxiety. It's been so hard I'm praying he stays happy now 🙏

Hopefully it will blow over soon. Thinking of you!!

Distraction, mimicking her peers, not feeling safe enough to cry in front of them?

https://youtube.com/shorts/xuOV7iUuVlE?si=BKJ4_VeMCwBuoru2

https://youtube.com/shorts/Rw8aqhyN28k?si=eRsVwSiZoag8RAog

It's horrible as it's really hard not to get angry with her.

We need to assume that we share the same nervous systems - they sense and internalise our emotional state - anything other than consistent calmness and gentleness sensed will cause fear and distress for your baby.

There have been many issues to cause you stress and anxiety one after another - maybe look at prioritising your own self soothing with awareness techniques, rest and relaxations so that you have energy and capacity in the emotional bank and are able to self regulate yourself first in order to attune to and soothe her.

My 3rd was very 'challenging' - I had PND but it also helped me to understand that some children are dandelions and some are orchids. I have 2 of each. The dandelions are easy going in any environment - the orchids are sensitive and need their environments and transitions adapted, quieter, slower and predictable routines.

Agree with others, does sound like pain or strong discomfort

Ear infection/UTI/ teething are all worth considering.

Given that she seems to dislike being in her own room, and spends time away from you during the day, she could be looking for connection. I'd definitely bedshare and see if it helps. Once she has more sleep and feels settled this should have a calming effect on her. Obviously ruling out any health issues at the same time

What formula is she on? There are prescription formulas that still contain dairy so she might be reacting to the proteins. The formulas also contain other ingredients that she might react to. Some have soya in and half of babies are allergic to both. My daughter has a coconut allergy and there was only 1 formula that didn't contain coconut!

When you say no sign of reflux what do you mean? Being generally unhappy all the time can be enough for a silent reflux diagnosis. A lot of the prescription formulas are thin and can trigger reflux, it might be worth trialling a thickener with the formula to see if that helps.

My daughter was unhappy until about 18 months. It took us that long to identify all of her allergies and to get her reflux adequately treated

How are things today @YourAquaPanda ? I hope a little more settled and you have some further avenues to investigate. Exhausting times.

@YourAquaPanda Any update? How is your DD now?x