What age of child needs a SAHM more?

[User37652]

If you have experience with children of different ages, at which ages would you say it was important to be at home more? I am trying to plan my life out after being at home for a few years but my children are still small and I don’t know what ages they will need me to be around more. Eg do you think it is more important to be doing school pick up and tea time when they’re in infants or to be at home for them in years 7-8-9? Any advice or experiences welcome :)

Personally being a mum and on reflection from my own childhood

Half days at nursery are ideal 3-4 days, then being at home in the afternoon for lunch/ walks dinner from age 2.5 + (dependant on child)

Loved my mum being home and doing school pick up from age 8 I would say well into year 10.

It felt very secure and comforting coming home, changing in pyjamas, having an early dinner and food again later, telly homework, revision bath bed.

I feel so sorry for the kids that have grown up having to be at nursery until late / after school club in a cold country.
There were the odd one or two days I did after school club and I just couldn't wait to leave even though I enjoyed school.

But I know that isn't realistic for everyone

all ages up to secondary school really.

If you have the option to be home to collect the children every day from primary school and be there with them every evening for homework / dinner / bath & bed etc I’d say that would be my preference (as a mother and a child) vs after school club. Of course this isn’t everyone’s reality and I know I’ll get some spiky comments for suggesting that’s better than working (it’s not and I don’t believe that), but as a sahm myself that’s personally what I chose to prioritise.

Once they’re in secondary school they make their own way to / from school, often not home much before 4:30ish and if you’re doing “9-5” you can be home soon after.

If I could only pick a few - I'd choose year 1, 6 and first half of 7.

I’m sorry you felt like that. Think it just goes to show that it depends on the child. I loved after school clubs and all the different things I did (swimming, trampolining, football, cricket, music lessons). I loved being able to do all those things after school with my friends, had a lovely cooked dinner, did some homework. All of my extra curricular activities were during the week, which meant I got to chill with my parents at the weekend, or do fun things together. I appreciated the quality over the quantity as when I finished on time and a parent was at home I found it a bit dull and just wanted to watch tv. Weekends were brilliant, most chores were done during the week so just lots of great family time.

Year 7...the transition to secondary school was very difficult for both my dc. They needed a lot of support when they got home from school.

Surely it s not all or nothing? You and other parent can seek flexible work so you can pick up from school few times a week

Birth to end of primary school.

I think toddlers and early teens.. mine are 12-14 now and I work school hours so I can be on it with them..Tricky teenage years are happening here in this house with changing friendships and personalities.. and monitoring mobile phones🤯

I worked full time from when my kids were 4 months so have never been a SAHM but (and this is very personal) I feel my kids need me far more they're 13 1/2 and 11.

I have found that they need me far more emotionally as they get older, and we chat a lot between school pick up and ferrying them around between various activities. I'm very fortunate that between my husband and I are able to be present due to the nature of our office geography and where we live.

When they were little they truly didn't care who they were with, we never had separation anxiety because they were with much loved daycare givers from a young age and were happy sociable children.

I'm finding it much more emotionally fraught as they begin to encounter social struggles which is par for the course of approaching teen years but I find they need to "talk" a lot more now so it's important for me to be available for them.

Probably not really answering your question directly but a switched on present parent is what a child will always need. I say this as a parent who was raised by a sahm who couldn't be arsed with anything other than the cooking and cleaning.

Personally I think it's better to be around at secondary, I found it really great having a parent when I got home. Lots of my friends have found their dc needed them more as teenagers.

I'm lucky that I've generally had a very flexible job for the past 10 years so have been able to do most drop offs and pick ups and rarely used before or after school club- dd hated both of these. Now they're in year 8, they need me more. Emotionally, for academic support and to have early dinner as they do a high level sport 4 nights a week.

I don’t think any age has to have a ft sahp, but working ft with under 7s is pretty tough on everyone. Part time, flexibility is what you need.

and yes, it’s harder to outsource the emotional needs of teens than it is a nappy change.

feel so sorry for the kids that have grown up having to be at nursery until late / after school club in a cold country.

I did clubs despite a SAHM. I am part time now & one of my dc stays at a club till 5pm despite the fact I can collect them at 3:15pm.

Teenagers definitely need a parental presence, not necessarily a SAHP but a flexible job that enables you to be around to take them to activities, be around for chats and guidance if they need it, know their friends etc.

According to the government kids don't need a SAHM from age 3. That's the age of child when single mums have to work on universal credit. But mums with a partner that works don't have to and can still get UC (obviously based on partner's income). That is really unfair.

I agree. Nursery and primary school saw good wrap around provision and my DC enjoyed playing with their friends there. Now I have a DC in y8 I’ve just gone back to 4 days because they do need me around more, they can’t just sit on their own in the house for hours most evenings, and also big kids, big problems. I take two afternoons off so we can spend some time together, make dinner properly, that sort of thing.

Surprisingly, I found the teenager years my DC needed me at home the most after school/college. They would just come in and want to destress and talk. I was self employed then so arranged my clients accordingly. Also, I liked being out of the house from 5pm some nights so DH would be responsible for cooking!

Thank you all for your comments so far. It seems to be pretty much 50/50 split between them needing more time at primary and more at secondary. The reason I asked the question is that I am considering retraining and so I know the first few years are likely to be very intense and time consuming. It seems like middle of primary school ie years 3-5 may be the best years??

Yes, I’d say roughly ages 8-12 are the sweet spot.

A flexible job really helps when you have teens. I work from home, have done since the eldest was in Y8, I think teens need their parents much more than people think.

So, my eldest at 16 has never needed me more - She has a specific way of eating she wants to follow, and I can logistically and financially accommodate it, so I do - but it essentially means that I am needed for cooking from about 3.30 till about 6pm. She can do it herself, and does all weekends and holidays, but with her GCSEs looming, I'm happy to help where I can. She also got in to a grammar a bus ride away, and I hadn't anticipated her missing the bus quite so often. So I either take her, or she gets a blooming taxi, or she misses school. I could go on.

My other dd is totally independent and has been since about 10, so I think for her probably primary school was lovely to walk to school together, and be at all the shows etc

Totally disagree (as would my grown up dc!)
I think end of primary school and secondary age are when a parent needs to be around before & after school.

It obviously depends on the child but my primary school child has enjoyed after school clubs and I still pick him up and come home with him and chat about his day, it’s just at six o’clock not half past three. When people talk about not “being there for them after school” I suppose they mean having a nanny? That wasn’t an option for us so as I say “after school” was just a couple of hours later.
This year he goes to secondary school and I could for the first time let him come home to an empty house alone. I’m not comfortable with that so dh and I will share wfh days so one of us is home. At least for a couple of years.