Life changing decisions - should I follow my dream and stay for my child

[maripo]

Hi all, I would like to ask for your opinion. I lived in the UK for many years and moved out to my partner’s country (in UE) with our child around the pandemic. I want to highlight that I do not speak this country’s language and can only understand some after living here for a couple of years. I work here in a very good job with a good salary, but I hate living here. This feeling never changed for the better, I just live in a place where I feel I do not belong. I tried to like it, to see the advantages of living here - like my salary, affordable rent and after-school cost, but every day I feel like dying inside. What is more, I recently split from my partner, because he was cheating on me, and now we are co-parenting. My ex knew all about my internal battle, about me trying to like living in his country, he saw how depressed I was because of that. He knew I was thinking about going back to the UK. In the very beginning, he wanted to go back as well, but when he found his current job, he changed his mind. He knew I was still thinking of going back - with our daughter. Now when we are not together I think more seriously about moving back, but I feel lost and disorientated and not sure what would be the right decision. If I move back with our daughter, we will be alone there, she will need to go to school in English (she speaks basic English) and I will not have any family support. If I move - I move only for a very good job offer, to make sure life for us would be affordable. Her dad would support her expenses (however I would not rely on that support to live just to clarify it) but would see her only during half terms and holidays. He is a good parent, and I see how strong their bond is. I feel torn right now because staying in his country would mean sacrificing my life for the next several years till our daughter would be old enough to make her own decision about where to live.
What would you do in my place? Would you go after what you want in life (and think your child will adjust) or would you stay for your child?

Hmm... this one is tough.... Your daughter's current country is her home country and your ex's language - her first language. Supposedly her grandparents and extended family live there, too. Would your ex even agree for you to take her away? What is the law? Also, why don't you go alone to UK, find a job and a place to live first and see if it's even feasible for the two of you to live there (the rents are exorbitant as well as the cost of living currently, it's not the same as 5 years ago)? Also, how bizarre you didn't learn the language of the country you lived in for 5 years... no wonder you didn't feel you belonged.

Will your EX let you leave with your shared child? If not, nothing else matters unless you are going to the UK on your own. Find out that first before applying for jobs.

They live in an EU country, not Saudi Arabia.

Thanks for all your posts. To reply to your questions: 1. my ex agreed I could take her, but it was some time ago and I know it would be a very hard decision for him. However, I would need to discuss it with him again, before taking any action. I think there is a chance he may oppose, especially now we are split and he does not really care about me and my feelings or depression. For sure I would not take my daughter by force and without his consent. 2. Our daughter would come to visit him during her half-terms and summer holidays. He would come to visit as well. 3. I feel I do not belong here not because I do not speak the language. If I want to I could learn, even if I do not like it and would need to force myself to learn. And believe me, I learn quickly, I speak 3 languages. The thing is I do not like how life in this country looks like, there is a lot of corruption, poverty and lack of investment/development. I feel like I live in the ‘90 in my country.

If you were cming to the UK to live near family and/or friends I would say yes move. But you don't know anyone here either. So maybe you should stay where you are. So it's difficult to advise. You need to weigh up all the factors.

I still have friends there, however not sure how close we would live.

How long have you been living away from the UK as I think settled status lapses if you have been away for a few years.

RTFT

OP it is unclear if you are in UAE or EU, coyld you clarify?

Is your own home country an option or no?

It's not unclear, she said a she's in UE

I've no idea where UE is @Regretsmorethanafew ?

My home country and my ex's country (where I live and work) are both in European Union.

Thanks OP.

It's a tricky one. I think you are lucky to have options.

Having tried to live in a different country and not settled myself, I would recommend going 'home' wherever that may be for you. She is only 7, she will adapt to whatever you decide. You are more keenly aware of not feeling in the right place so I think you should follow your gut.

Are you allowed to?

Realistically there’s nothing in this for your ex, and your child loses regular contact with her Dad. If he’s a good Dad, he’ll oppose, and she’ll legally have to stay - so unless you’d leave without her, this is a moot discussion until you know that he’d give permission in writing.

That's good. I think the five year period starts again after each visit back to the UK so you would be ok.
Whether you should do it or not I'm not sure, it will be hard not knowing anyone and having no support but only you know how unhappy you are now. But I do think you should think very carefully about it and only move if you find a job that is the right one for you in an area where you think you will be happy and where there are good schools and facilities for children

So there’s a big IF you get a job you want in a country you want to live in.
How would you feel about leaving daughter where she is settled at least until you have got properly settled in your next country ( UK or otherwise)?
Also I think many of us in the UK feel lives here are not as easy as they were a few years ago so maybe your dream is not a reality.
It might be worth having another try at fitting in where you are now that your single- if not with locals perhaps an expat community?

Total drip feed. And what's EU???!

What I hear is that you have never settled where you are now living but you were happy living in the UK. Your ex has cheated on you, leaving you with even less support and breaking up the family unit. It is reasonable that choice must have some consequences for him. I would explore what jobs you could get in the UK. As others have said, life here has become more difficult with housing shortages, rising cost of living etc and you must consider this. However, if you can get a decent, well paid, stable job and have your Mum visiting in school holidays to help with childcare and have some old friendships her that you can rekindle then perhaps that would be a good option. Your daughter could see her father during holidays. I would try to get his blessing and agreement for you both to return to the UK and keepit as amicable as possible. Also consider whether you can trust him to stick with visitation agreements and not try to seize her (there have been cases of this). I think you have the right to some happiness, especially if you are bringing up a child. I wish you luck.

@Casperroonie EU = European Union.