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Original poster

Life changing decisions - should I follow my dream and stay for my child

45 replies

maripo · 12/03/2025 10:28

Hi all, I would like to ask for your opinion. I lived in the UK for many years and moved out to my partner’s country (in UE) with our child around the pandemic. I want to highlight that I do not speak this country’s language and can only understand some after living here for a couple of years. I work here in a very good job with a good salary, but I hate living here. This feeling never changed for the better, I just live in a place where I feel I do not belong. I tried to like it, to see the advantages of living here - like my salary, affordable rent and after-school cost, but every day I feel like dying inside. What is more, I recently split from my partner, because he was cheating on me, and now we are co-parenting. My ex knew all about my internal battle, about me trying to like living in his country, he saw how depressed I was because of that. He knew I was thinking about going back to the UK. In the very beginning, he wanted to go back as well, but when he found his current job, he changed his mind. He knew I was still thinking of going back - with our daughter. Now when we are not together I think more seriously about moving back, but I feel lost and disorientated and not sure what would be the right decision. If I move back with our daughter, we will be alone there, she will need to go to school in English (she speaks basic English) and I will not have any family support. If I move - I move only for a very good job offer, to make sure life for us would be affordable. Her dad would support her expenses (however I would not rely on that support to live just to clarify it) but would see her only during half terms and holidays. He is a good parent, and I see how strong their bond is. I feel torn right now because staying in his country would mean sacrificing my life for the next several years till our daughter would be old enough to make her own decision about where to live.
What would you do in my place? Would you go after what you want in life (and think your child will adjust) or would you stay for your child?

OP posts:
Original poster
maripo · 12/03/2025 10:29

I made a mistake in the title Blush it should say "OR stay for my child" Blush

OP posts:
Wolfhat · 12/03/2025 10:33

How old is the child, do they have strong feelings and would your ex object to you leaving the country with them when it came down to it?

parietal · 12/03/2025 10:34

If child is under 10, go home to the uk. But plan for holidays in ex partners country for him to see child.

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Families
wnpmme · 12/03/2025 10:39

How old she?
Where are your family?
Does UE mean United Arab Emirates?

Original poster
maripo · 12/03/2025 10:43

The child is 7 yrs old, she has strong feelings for her dad, but she has known for some time about the possibility of moving out of the country without him. She seems ok with that option, but you never know how she will feel after the actual move. Ex knows we may move out, but I do not think he will want to stop me from taking her with me (however never say never). I have only my mum and she lives in my country (where I do not want to live either ;)). My mum can come to us for some time as she is retired, once we move.
I meant EU, sorry!!

OP posts:
DaisyChain505 · 12/03/2025 10:47

How does your child only speak basic English if you speak English?

You’ve said you only know the basics of the language of where your daughter was born so surely you’ve been communicating with her in English her whole life?

Original poster
maripo · 12/03/2025 10:52

DaisyChain505 · 12/03/2025 10:47

How does your child only speak basic English if you speak English?

You’ve said you only know the basics of the language of where your daughter was born so surely you’ve been communicating with her in English her whole life?

She is bilingual (speaks fluently in mine and her dad's languages) plus basic English because that is the language I communicate with her father, she is currently improving her English with lessons online with a native speaker.

OP posts:
FurzeNotGorse · 12/03/2025 10:52

This is quite confused. You’re not originally from the UK, but you used to live there, before moving to your boyfriend’s country several years ago, where you work, but barely speak the local language. Now you want to leave but not for your home country, but for the UK, despite having no support there and a child who only speaks basic English? Are you even able to live and work in the UK?

Original poster
maripo · 12/03/2025 10:53

DaisyChain505 · 12/03/2025 10:47

How does your child only speak basic English if you speak English?

You’ve said you only know the basics of the language of where your daughter was born so surely you’ve been communicating with her in English her whole life?

My daughter was born in the UK. Me moved out when she was 2.

OP posts:
Original poster
maripo · 12/03/2025 11:02

FurzeNotGorse · 12/03/2025 10:52

This is quite confused. You’re not originally from the UK, but you used to live there, before moving to your boyfriend’s country several years ago, where you work, but barely speak the local language. Now you want to leave but not for your home country, but for the UK, despite having no support there and a child who only speaks basic English? Are you even able to live and work in the UK?

Just to clarify: I am not British, I lived in UK for several yrs, and my daughter was born in London. We moved out with her father to his home country (still not mine;)), and I want to go back to England with her. I am fully capable of working and if we move we will do it only AFTER I find a good job. For sure I do not plan to go back without having a job! Last year I already had interviews and almost got a very good offer in my field, went through 3 stages of interviews, but they decided to hire an internal candidate so he could start working straight away.

OP posts:
FurzeNotGorse · 12/03/2025 11:06

maripo · 12/03/2025 11:02

Just to clarify: I am not British, I lived in UK for several yrs, and my daughter was born in London. We moved out with her father to his home country (still not mine;)), and I want to go back to England with her. I am fully capable of working and if we move we will do it only AFTER I find a good job. For sure I do not plan to go back without having a job! Last year I already had interviews and almost got a very good offer in my field, went through 3 stages of interviews, but they decided to hire an internal candidate so he could start working straight away.

Show quote history

Yes, but I’m asking you if you’re entitled to live in the UK? Do you need to be sponsored by an employer or can you legally live there?

Original poster
maripo · 12/03/2025 11:07

Yes, I have a right to live and work, as I have settled statis.

OP posts:
DuckieDodgyHedgyPiggy · 12/03/2025 11:09

What about your mum? She'd come with you to the UK? What does she think? Be wary of uprooting her - my mum moved to be near us but didn't like it and moved back!

Original poster
maripo · 12/03/2025 11:13

DuckieDodgyHedgyPiggy · 12/03/2025 11:09

What about your mum? She'd come with you to the UK? What does she think? Be wary of uprooting her - my mum moved to be near us but didn't like it and moved back!

Actually my mum hates where I do live now Grin She likes England, she lived with us in London for couple of months after my maternity when I went back to work. She would love to help me and support with child care and for sure she would come to stay with us for some time (not permanently).

OP posts:
cloudjumper · 12/03/2025 11:15

You might need to check the dates in terms of the settled status - I think you only keep it for 4-5 years after leaving the UK. Getting a job without this might be tricky.

Ilikewinter · 12/03/2025 11:20

Have you gained settled status through the EUSS? If so your status will expire if you have an absence of 5 years. You say you left when your daughter was 2 and is now 7 so you may be very close to running out of time.

FurzeNotGorse · 12/03/2025 11:21

cloudjumper · 12/03/2025 11:15

You might need to check the dates in terms of the settled status - I think you only keep it for 4-5 years after leaving the UK. Getting a job without this might be tricky.

Yes, this.

Original poster
maripo · 12/03/2025 11:21

cloudjumper · 12/03/2025 11:15

You might need to check the dates in terms of the settled status - I think you only keep it for 4-5 years after leaving the UK. Getting a job without this might be tricky.

I consulted it with settlement scheme helpline advisors and I was told my status itself does not have an expiry date, BUT I cannot stay outside of UK for 5 yrs in a row, I would need to go back for at least one day within 5 yrs period and have a proof for that if questioned (like hotel stay booking, flight tickets). I visited UK a couple of times already.

OP posts:
Sassybooklover · 12/03/2025 11:28

If you have lived outside of the UK continuously for 5 years plus, after Settled Status was granted, you will lose that status. You need to look at the date you were granted the Settled Status. You also need to figure out exactly how long you have currently lived outside the UK for. If it's coming up for 5 years, you need to move back to the UK before you lose the Settled Status. Since living in the EU country have you been back to visit the UK? I assume not, as you have no family living there. You need to look into this as a matter of urgency if you want to move back to the UK.

Original poster
maripo · 12/03/2025 11:31

Sassybooklover · 12/03/2025 11:28

If you have lived outside of the UK continuously for 5 years plus, after Settled Status was granted, you will lose that status. You need to look at the date you were granted the Settled Status. You also need to figure out exactly how long you have currently lived outside the UK for. If it's coming up for 5 years, you need to move back to the UK before you lose the Settled Status. Since living in the EU country have you been back to visit the UK? I assume not, as you have no family living there. You need to look into this as a matter of urgency if you want to move back to the UK.

Edited

As I mentioned I visited UK in last yrs. And when I consulted my status I was told 5yrs period renews with each visit.

OP posts:
Regretsmorethanafew · 12/03/2025 11:34

DaisyChain505 · 12/03/2025 10:47

How does your child only speak basic English if you speak English?

You’ve said you only know the basics of the language of where your daughter was born so surely you’ve been communicating with her in English her whole life?

Other languages exist though

Paganpentacle · 12/03/2025 11:36

FurzeNotGorse · 12/03/2025 10:52

This is quite confused. You’re not originally from the UK, but you used to live there, before moving to your boyfriend’s country several years ago, where you work, but barely speak the local language. Now you want to leave but not for your home country, but for the UK, despite having no support there and a child who only speaks basic English? Are you even able to live and work in the UK?

my first thought too... do you have the right to live and work in the UK?
Why not go to your home country where I'm assuming you have family?

Ilikewinter · 12/03/2025 12:17

maripo · 12/03/2025 11:31

As I mentioned I visited UK in last yrs. And when I consulted my status I was told 5yrs period renews with each visit.

Show quote history

Yes this is correct, as soon as you come back, even for a day, your 5 year period resets.

HappyHedgehog247 · 12/03/2025 12:41

In your case I would not just be thinking about your daughter now, but also where you would like her to feel like is 'home' and which country offers the best for her. I would also think about whether you will remain free to leave and to settle in UK in the future. To separate her from her father is painful, but it's also painful to live long term in a place that you feel alien in. Would you take her to see her father? Would he also come to UK? UK school holidays are about every 6 weeks apart. Is there anywhere where you do have friends or family that you can imagine settling? If possible, it's nice for a child to have grandparent, cousins, aunts etc. in their world. It's great your mum would come and visit. I'd be worried my ex would change his mind about me being able to move.

Codlingmoths · 12/03/2025 12:48

I would move back, but that’s because my first priority would be bringing up a daughter in a country where she has more rights, formal and casual.