Supporting autistic, anxious 8yo with school and house move

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My DS is 8 (in Y3), autistic, very bright, very anxious about change and new things. We have decided to move to a slightly different area (close to where we live now, but a different catchment) for the schools. We are confident it's the right decision in the long term, but now it's getting closer to the move, we're feeling stressed out about it, as we anticipate it being difficult for DS. I'd appreciate any advice or tips for supporting him with the changes (and staying sane ourselves!)

DS is starting at the new school after Easter and we haven't told him yet, I feel it's a balance between not giving him too long to feel anxious, but giving him enough time to get used to the idea. He tends to feel a bit better if he knows as much as possible in advance about what to expect, which can be tricky when we don't know ourselves.

This is the plan so far:

• get a prospectus from the school that we can show him when we tell him about the move
• a school visit/tour with a child he knows (slightly older) who attends the school - I think it's likely he will just refuse to go to this, not sure how far in advance to tell him about it
• a follow up visit after the end of school day (ie when it's quieter) to meet his teacher and explore his classroom

I am in touch with a couple of parents of children in the class he's joining and I was really hoping to arrange one or two play dates in advance - not that he would agree to them, but I would arrange to meet in the park and just tell him we are going to the park, then just happen to see a friend there (sounds sneaky but it works much better to take the pressure off him). The problem is that everyone is so busy and I don't know if we'll manage it :(

I was also going to ask if it would be ok to see a class photo so he could familiarise himself with faces and names, but I'm worrying if that would be a slightly weird request?!

I haven't even thought as far as the house move yet. He is moving school first as we don't know when exactly we will be moving. Trying to avoid doing everything at once but it's likely the house move will be a few weeks after he starts at the new school, argh. I think the house move will be less stressful for him than the school move but you never know!

Hi OP, I can't tell from your post whether there is a pressing need for the move. This is a lot to put your DC through, is there anything you can do to avoid moving both house and school?

It sounds like your son is happy and settled in his school, is that the case? I would prioritise this for him. I wouldn't underestimate the trauma of moving house and school, and it is difficult to see how your own school preference would outweigh the lasting negative effects of moving him. Is it too late to change your mind?

What benefits are you seeing in moving him?

To be clear, the move is definitely happening and I'm not asking for opinions on it. Change is obviously difficult but sometimes necessary and in a child's best interests. We have obviously considered it all very carefully, and decided it is in the best interests of DS and the whole family.

The main reason for the move is to be in catchment and at a feeder primary for the secondary school that we feel will best meet DS's needs. He doesn't have an EHCP and even if he did get one before secondary, he's very unlikely to need (let alone get) a place at a specialist school - hence thinking ahead about the right mainstream for him.

We thought about keeping him at his current primary school, but decided that it would be better for him to move to a feeder primary to give him 3.5 years to make friends that he will move up to secondary with. I think starting secondary school without friends would be much harder for him than moving primary at this stage (hard though it is).

We also have the rest of the family to consider - a younger sibling due to start primary school in September, and all of us needing a bigger house with more space.

I would like to support him to cope with change, because obviously some changes will be unavoidable in the course of his life. And being clear about the fact that the change is happening, and will be positive in the longer run, will help him accept it.

It seems like you are pinning a lot on your preferred secondary school. Do you think the difference between your preferred school and the available local secondary schools is big enough to outweigh the distress of moving school and house/losing a set of friends? It would be hard to think of a gap that big between provision at secondary level. What benefits are you hoping the new secondary school will bring, and what will you do if it doesn't meet your expectations?

I'm not prepared to discuss the decision any more than I have already. You'll have to trust me that it's a well considered, well researched decision in the best interests of my son and my whole family. As his mother, I am better placed to make that decision than strangers on the internet.

If you have any constructive suggestions about how best to support my son, or any relevant experience to share - if you have a neurodivergent child or are neurodivergent yourself - I'd be glad to hear it. Otherwise, I'd appreciate if you could stop the critical questioning.

In addition to the prospectus, could you ask the school to give you/let you take photos of things like the school gate, the door he'll go in, different angles of his classroom, the pegs where they hang coats/bags, etc.? Sort of a tour that he can go through in his own time, especially if you think he might refuse the tour with a friend.

Any stories you could read with him that deal with moving schools or houses? My DDs are slightly younger, so I'm not sure I have any specific suggestions.

I’d focus on the positives for the new house as this can offer him more input and control. Give him choice around colours, theme etc for his new room. Anything new he’d like in the garden etc.

Good idea @skkyelark to take photos in the new school. If you can visit after school when it is quiet and even let him take some photos of what is important to him. You could make a transition book for him to look at to help him to prepare. Find out key info such as teacher/ headteacher’s name. Look on the website for activities, photos, class pages.

I would avoid any organised , even “ accidental” meet ups beforehand or linking visits with a child he knows. Maybe just mention “ Oh it’s Ben’s school” for e.g.
Hopefully he will find some new friendships of his choice.

Once you have told him maybe use a countdown on a wall calendar building up to something positive for both school and house move. Again choice new backpack, lunch box pencil case etc.

Our daughter was younger when we moved and we were worried about the impact due to her autism. At the time she was very interested in numbers so we focused on that. She just said hello number.. on the day. Settled well and loved the garden and her new room.

Hiya, I am autistic and a teacher and these are the things that I think would help.

Visit to the school as you have said but make sure you see where the cloakroom is, his drawer, toilets, dinner hall, playground and exit to playground. Also where he will get picked up at the end of the day. If you can, get photos of each of these. You could put them into a social story that outlines the school day with the relevant photo. If you can, get a timetable from the teacher so he knows the structure of the day too. A map of the school would be amazing but don't know if they would have this. They might not be able to tell you but even know which seat he will be in will help, even if they change it on the day.
When you do tell him, I would print a little calendar to show the countdown of days.
Another thing that might help us doing the journey from the new house to school in the way that you would go on the day.
As someone "high functioning" these are the things that would still help me now as an autistic adult. You're doing a great job considering these things, a lot of people wouldn't. And for the right secondary school I agree this is the right time to do it.

skkyelark, 24Dogcuddler & Florad
Thank you all for the helpful suggestions
A countdown calendar and transition booklet / social story are definitely in the plan!

skkyelark
Good point about photos of the more detailed things, that I wouldn't necessarily have thought of. I wonder if the school ever did a video tour... he started primary in Covid times and watched the video tour obsessively beforehand.
I'm not sure about books, we do have one about Alfie & Annie Rose moving house but that's definitely more for younger children - my younger child quite likes it.

24DogCuddler
All great suggestions, thank you. When I had a phone call with the new SENCO we talked about a visit after school hours when it's quieter and I definitely think we should schedule that in.
Why do you think we should avoid "accidental" meet-ups and the tour with the child he knows? It's not to force friendships, just that it might be easier if the tour is with a familiar child, when he doesn't know anyone else. I don't know if it's an age or personality thing but I do have to facilitate his friendships; obviously he chooses his own friends but I have to get friendly with the parents to facilitate play dates etc.
I've learned that DS doesn't always like getting new things (like a new backpack, pencil case etc) so that's not part of my plan for him, but I can imagine it would work well for some children, and maybe I should keep an open mind and ask him if he'd like something new.
I'm glad your DD coped ok with the move, that's lovely to hear :)

Florad
Thanks so much - that's really helpful to understand. YY to asking for a timetable and a map if possible. And of course doing a trial run of the journey to/from school.
You're doing a great job considering these things, a lot of people wouldn't. And for the right secondary school I agree this is the right time to do it.
Thank you for these kind comments - I really appreciate it. I am basically always worrying about how to do the best I can for him, so reassurance and encouragement helps a lot.

On the house move I would be sure to take a picture of his new room in the new house and be sure that his is the first you get settle in the new house
Make it similar to the old house, keep the same bedding etc
And even layout if poss?
I am not autistic but adhd and moved a lot as a kid, and a boarding school (military family having my own duvet cover/things as I liked helped with familiarity

Thank you, that all makes sense. I've arranged another viewing of the new house and plan to take plenty of photos as well as measuring up so I can work out in advance where furniture might go. We are going to time the move carefully and will have some flexibility on exact moving date, thankfully.

I've been thinking about whether to get new beds and bedding for the kids - DC2 in particular needs to upgrade from toddler bed to a single - but I agree it's probably best if their beds and bedding are familiar to start with. I could talk to them about it and see what they prefer, I imagine DS will be torn between wanting everything to be the same and wanting to choose things himself.

Thanks for your reply. Sounds like your new SENCO is getting prepared. A one page profile might help staff get to know your DS. His current school could help with this.
You know your son best of course re friendships. Sounds like you have thought everything through. Go with what you think will work. Hope it all goes well.

Hi all. Quick update. Am preparing to tell DS about the school move. Still waiting for transition booklet / social story or just photos from the school so I can make one myself. I have scoured the website and FB page and found a few photos but still need photos of his teacher, classroom etc to show him. The school doesn't have a printed prospectus and told me it was all online when I asked, but the online link doesn't work and when I queried it they said that's an old prospectus and they don't have a new one 🤦🏻‍♀️
It's frustrating, I know it's a brilliant school (wouldn't be moving him there otherwise) but I'm getting a bit anxious now. Planning to tell him early next week and will be relieved to tell him tbh!

I finally told DS about the school move. He reacted pretty much how I expected; he was very upset and said he didn't want to. However, after the initial reaction he did calm down and when we talked a bit more and showed him photos etc he was surprisingly positive about it. It's amazing how much the visuals help. I expect it will be a bit up and down over the next few weeks. But I'm relieved to have told him at last!