Will DS (20 months) ever settle at nursery?

[Tiredmammy101]

DS has been attending nursery since January, and it took until Feb half term for him to be able to go in there without screaming the place down and to be happy for most of the morning while he was there. He goes 2 mornings a week 8.30-12.30.

Unfortunately, he was ill last week so got sent home at about 10ish and didn’t go in the next day- so he’s effectively had 2 weeks off.

He went in happy and excited today, chatting about his friends who are there, which is a total transformation from what he was like in the beginning, but when I went to collect him, he had his dummy in and had apparently been extremely upset from 11-12.30 and refused to eat anything for lunch. He was taking deep breaths like he’d been sobbing all the drive home.

I just feel so disheartened. Everytime I think he’s settled and turned a corner, he goes back to being miserable. The workers are always lovely but I get the impression that he is irritating them as they can’t get on with all the lovely activities that they usually do because of DS. When he whinges, he really goes for it and is really loud and screamy so I imagine they’re losing patience with him.

Will he ever settle? It just seems like they’re always saying how much of a whinger he’s been whenever I pick him up.

Have you tried the little coping tricks they can sometimes recommend, things like him taking in a teddy (if he has a favourite) or a comforter? Something to give him a little piece of home?

The other thing I’d say is do you have any idea what it is that’s making him so upset there? For example do you take him to play groups/play area/park and is he okay at those things or could it be that he’s finding it overwhelming being surrounded by children and that upsets him? It may be that he struggles in the busy environment and so a childminder would be a better fit, or smaller nursery setting? Or that’s something you can work on by exposing to these things with you outside of nursery?

Does the nursery have a quiet area/sensory corner type thing, so he can have a little break from the busy, or is it all in one room which may just be overstimulating?

Does he ever spend time away from you other than nursery, how is he if he’s at grandparents/with dad/friend? If it’s the being away from you that upsets him then again that’s something you can work on outside of nursery which may then he helpful in nursery?

It’s so hard because they can’t tell us but I’d try and think about what it is that he is struggling with, then you can see if it’s something you can work on or if not try and find another setting that will work better for him. Nursery isn’t one size fits all and some children just do need something a little bit different.

Thank you- loads of great ideas here.

It’s really difficult to pinpoint exactly why he’s getting upset. He’s used to being away from us as he regularly sees his grandparents, with and without me and DH, and he’s gone to baby groups and playgroups from a really young age. He still goes to playgroup on a Friday and loves it. He gets really bored being stuck at home, so we try to get out everyday, so he’s used to being out and about.

I had his younger brother (now 4 months) just before he started nursery, so initially I thought that could be a factor but he’s used to being places with and without him now.

They don’t seem to be able to tell me why he’s getting upset, except that he struggles to ‘transition’ - so stopping whatever he’s doing to play/eat/have nappy change etc. This is an issue at home to - e.g. he hates it when a song he likes finishes and sometimes has a meltdown, but we can usually distract him. He’s strong willed though and loves everything on his own terms, but I thought that was just toddler behaviour in general. He does get bored or fed up of things easily e.g. soft play and tries to leave after 10 minutes.

I remember with the nursery mine went to, they had to attend a minimum of 2 full days a week or 4 mornings. I asked why as I initially only wanted 1 day a week and they explained it was because they found children who attended less found it hard to settle.

Bless him, it's hard when they're upset and you don't really know why!

This does make sense - he’s going to take longer because he’s not there for very long in the grand scheme of things, plus numerous illnesses have meant he’s never had a clear run of attendance more than 2 weeks in a row.

He’s had some runny nappies since he’s been home so I think he’s feeling out of sorts and could explain some of the grumpiness this morning.

Is it possible it's too loud and overwhelming, and your little one can't verbalise that? My son was definitely not a fan of other children's noise and it would have made him bewildered.

Possibly- might be worth mentioning to see if they can work out if that’s the issue.

My 2yo is exactly the same. He screams when he goes in and has become extremely anxious at home too. Not sleeping, eating, anxious around close family too.

Unfortunately I agree with the pp that 2 mornings a week might not be a good amount. Mine had a hard time settling but went full time and got there eventually. The loud noise from the other children was definitely a factor. I think if she'd been less often it would have been very difficult for her to settle.
Not sure how helpful that is in your situation though.

Hi OP
Primary school teacher here. I do feel for you - my children took a long time to settle too. If you can afford it, you need to increase the nursery days. Two mornings is not giving him enough of a routine and he ideally needs three sessions minimum.
Lots of luck.

Does he need to go for the 2 mornings a week? If he doesn't then I'd just pull him out until he's older. If he does need to go somewhere then maybe he'd be more suited to a childminder where it's more a home from home experience.

Struggling with transitions is something very typical of ASD, I wouldn't worry about it at this age as he's still very little - but just something to keep in mind if you notice other things as he gets older.

Thanks all. I’ll think about maybe upping his mornings to see if that helps. I don’t really think it’s noise as he doesn’t get overwhelmed in playgroup and that’s much nosier with far more children.

It doesn’t help that he’s constantly ill so he is not managing to do even 2 weeks in a row. He’s ill again so he won’t be in again tomorrow. This means he’s attended 3 and a half mornings in the past month! At this point, I don’t know why I’m paying.

I did wonder about transitions/ASD. I’m a teacher so see this frequently. However, I also think we could diagnose every toddler with ASD as they’re all just learning everything at the minute and behave in inexplicable ways at times. I’ll keep an eye on it but not going to worry too much about that right now.