How do you avoid arguing with DH about parenting questions?

[H7529]

I find parenting together very tricky…there are some major disagreements in our approach, but even with small things it’s a constant discussion:
-switch the light off while feeding then he can get ready for sleeping / No I want to keep it on because I don’t want him to fall asleep without finishing his bottle
-to give or not to give a dose of calpol
-to close or not to close the pram sun shade
-to bathe or not to bathe baby
-to pick him up when crying or wait if he settles
-to feed baby now or later

These are some of today’s trivial examples. Somehow DH has an opinion on everything. I do my best to respect his way of doing things, but sometimes it is hard because I want the best for DC and I find it difficult to watch something that I don’t believe is the best thing to do (but I admit that with these examples I gave it us subjective what the best thing is).

I feel that all this discussion is wearing me down and I really look forward to the times when DH is away with work, parenting on my own is so much more relaxed and nice

I think you just have to let some things go. If you always say your way is right, or the best way, you might find yourself doing 100% of childcare.
As long as it's not dangerous, you have to let it go.

Oh gosh OP do we have the same husbands? My husband has an opinion on everything.

• told me today that’s porridge wasn’t a healthy breakfast for our 1 and 4 yo
• he gets annoyed if I miss a bath time one night but our kids get dry skin. He says they are dirty if they miss a bath. He’s also annoyed if I bath them and points out they have dry skin ! Ffs
• he has an opinion on every time I give Calpol…

Do a parenting course TOGETHER.
this is the most difficult part of marriage, it has been the source of all our arguments.
and so now, a decade later than we should have we are doing a course.

Let go of the things that he will have to suffer and fix the consequences of that are not so serious and crack on with your way the rest of the time.
If you feel your child's health and happiness is at serious risk from a poor decision he makes then step in with a reasoned argument of why not.

Buckle up! DCs 10 and 7 and it the disagreements only get bigger. It’s what we argue about the most.

Neither of you are right, neither of you are wrong. Parenting is the source of so many arguments and quarrels, I think a previous poster is exactly right when they said you have to learn to let it go sometimes. That of course applies to both of you. Choose your battles, and try to do the best job you can…..together. It’s the best way.

DS is older now (I assume) but I don't present some of those things you've mentioned as options, I'd just say that I'm doing them and do it (like calpol)

Glad that I’m not the only one with this problem, but it is disheartening to hear that this will continue. Our DS is 6 months now and our marriage is really on the floor since he was born. We both love him more than everything and try to do the best for him. The only fun moments we share are looking at cute things he does together, otherwise there is nothing left between us, sadly.

Ask him not to comment and you do the same

You are both probably tired

I’m quite surprised that he is so interested tbh as most new dads are quite happy to let their wife get on with things!

The person managing the task gets free rein. You’re feeding the baby, you decide about the light. He’s cooking dinner, you don’t comment (unless he’s about to add an unsafe food). No backseat parenting.

Honestly that would drive me bananas! What happens if you disagree with what he thinks? Will he let you get on with things or will he argue with you? I agree with pp whoever is doing a certain task should have the say over something. And sometimes you have to let the little things go. Unless it's something to do with hralth/safety like you know they need calpol as they are hot/unwell or the sun is blaring in their eyes & they need the shade down. Then I would be quite adamant & not back down.

This.

And let stuff go.

When your 18 year old son is going off to uni it's not going to matter one single bit whether the light was on or off when he had his bottle of milk 17.5 years ago. It will matter if he's had to spend his childhood shuffling between two homes because you got divorced because you couldn't let stuff go.

You're both probably tired and stressed with new parenting responsibilities. Sit down together, have a constructive conversation and agree to not sweat the small stuff.

100% agree with this.

Within reason, the person doing it gets to do it their way. But until a year I was primary parent and nursing and got more say. Usually for safety we go with the more conservative, but sometimes it is out of my sight (like he lets them use tools in the garage and I let them help cut with knives and stir pots on the stove). We accept neither is wrong usually, just have different approaches

This. But also, if your relationship is 'on the floor' and there's nothing left between you, no wonder you're arguing.

I’m slightly embarrassed to admit this now but when DD was a baby we did things my way and that was that. DH seemed happy enough to go along with it - I’d done all the research, I did the bulk of the care in that first year (because mat leave) and it worked for us.

I know now thats textbook what everyone warns you against because it’s supposed to mean you stay default parent forever and your partner never steps up. But honestly it’s not really been like that for us, DD is currently 4 and DH is probably a slightly better parent than me during this phase!

I too might have said the same as you when DD was 6 months, or at various points throughout our parenting journey - that there’s nothing left between DH and I and having a baby exploded a bomb in our relationship. But 4 years on we’re actually grand, happy and love each other and probably still gently bicker over some of the stupid daft stuff when we’re exhausted but we really do feel on the same side again as it should be. I’d say (unless of course there’s abuse or anything really insurmountable) just to hold on if you can - try to remember what you love about the other and hold on to the fact that this will get easier. Don’t make any big decisions about the future of the relationship just yet!