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Parenting

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Biological dad not interested in daughter

12 replies

Colourfulltrees · 09/03/2025 20:57

My daughter is 9 years old, and her biological dad has seen her about 5 times in her life. I met my husband a year after she was born, and she calls him dad.
I speak with her dad as he sends me money for her but he never really seems interested in her he speaks about his other 2 children .. I don't know what to do as in do I ask him why he doesn't want a relationship with his daughter or do I just keep it cut off. My daughter never really mentions her biological dad as she treats her step dad like her dad, but she is aware of the situation. I'm just not sure whether to force.it.or leave it.

OP posts:
RogueFemale · 09/03/2025 23:58

Leave it. You can't force the biological father to care. Your daughter already has a caring step-father who she regards as her a real father.

I'd not encourage any further involvement from the biological father. Forget him.

Nevertrustacop · 10/03/2025 00:02

It's entirely up to him. He doesn't want a relationship and has demonstrated this. Much better he has nothing to do with her than is forced to spend time with her isn't it? That is just going to be unpleasant for your daughter surely.

Thornybush · 10/03/2025 11:18

That's really sad but it sounds like she has everything she needs in a father figure with your DH. Not seeing her biological father at all might be the kinder thing to do for her sake. It will avoid awkwardness and confusion. Maybe when she's an adult she can decide whether or not to reach out to him herself.

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Colourfulltrees · 10/03/2025 12:39

Thank you everyone this has really helped.

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Colourfulltrees · 10/03/2025 13:25

Another thing I am a bit confused of what to do it so he sends me money for her but there has been occasions where he has been late to pay or doesn't have it and he texts me with reason why and tells me about his whole life story I just feel uncomfortable doing this as for one he doesn't even have a relationship with his daughter and also I don't really want to no about his own life and children. Do I block contact and just wait for him to pay and if he don't use xhild maintenance or do I continue to get messages from him.about the money

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Thornybush · 10/03/2025 15:12

Gosh he sounds like a nightmare. He should have a direct debit set up prioritising his payments to you for your daughter's care. His life stories are only excuses to see if you are a pushover.
I would be firm with him that you need this money on time every week/month to feed and clothe your daughter.

Colourfulltrees · 10/03/2025 16:01

Yeah he told me he did have it set up but he actually didn't. Sometimes he will just send it but it's the whole stories leading up to it all about his family etc I just don't really wanna hear it as it nothing to.do with me and he doesn't say anything about the daughter he has with me. Plus my husband finds it strange he is telling me all this information.

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Superscientist · 10/03/2025 19:35

My sister is mid40s and she's seen her biological father a handful of times since the age of 4 and has never contributed financially.
My dad has been her father for the best part of 40 years and the fact they don't share DNA hasn't stopped them being very much dad and daughter.
Be open to answer questions but let your daughter take the lead and don't push it.

Colourfulltrees · 10/03/2025 20:50

Superscientist · 10/03/2025 19:35

My sister is mid40s and she's seen her biological father a handful of times since the age of 4 and has never contributed financially.
My dad has been her father for the best part of 40 years and the fact they don't share DNA hasn't stopped them being very much dad and daughter.
Be open to answer questions but let your daughter take the lead and don't push it.

Thanks no I sort think I will push it and I've answered any questions she has. I just want to no if I should still.be communicating with him as he doesn't even ask about her should.i cut all ties and if he doesn't contribute then go child maintenance and not take the sob stories or shoukd I still continue to communicate with him

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Letstheriveranswer · 10/03/2025 21:02

At a guess, he feels better about sending the money because in his head you have a friendship of some kind where he feels like he has your ear in some way and a connection and some good will, albeit not a direct connection with his daughter. He gets to still see himself as a good guy because it's all amicable on the surface.

If you can just listen and give him bland responses and not get wound up about it, it would probably keep things pleasant and ticking along.

If you have good reasons for not wanting to do that, you could go the CMS route.

Colourfulltrees · 10/03/2025 21:09

Letstheriveranswer · 10/03/2025 21:02

At a guess, he feels better about sending the money because in his head you have a friendship of some kind where he feels like he has your ear in some way and a connection and some good will, albeit not a direct connection with his daughter. He gets to still see himself as a good guy because it's all amicable on the surface.

If you can just listen and give him bland responses and not get wound up about it, it would probably keep things pleasant and ticking along.

If you have good reasons for not wanting to do that, you could go the CMS route.

Yes this all.makes sense and think your right that this is making him.feel like the good guy.
Personally I don't really want a friendship with him I just reply as I feel I am keeping it alive in a sense for our daughter I just very confused he sends me messages about his other children I feel like I'm a councillor in some.way.

OP posts:
Letstheriveranswer · 10/03/2025 21:30

I've had similar, and yes it's confusing and hurtful on your child's behalf.

I guess you have tried saying outright 'Do you want to know how (daughter's name) is getting on, or are you just texting to be sociable?'

Either that or just don't let yourself engage at an emotional level, just be polite and say 'Oh dear, that must be difficult' occasionally. Be happy your DD has a good relationship with her step dad, and sail calmly on.

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