I need help repairing my relationship with my eldest daughter

[dasperare]

I'm a regular user but I'm using a throw away. I'm a single mum. Dad left 4 years ago and apart from the small sum of money he sends my way we have no contact.

I have 2 children, both girls. My eldest is 13 and my youngest is 7. My youngest has been diagnosed with autism. My 13 year old feels like I massively favour her and as a result our relationship is frayed.
13 year old spends all her time out or in her room. She resents the adaptions for the 7 year old. I try so hard. There is only one of me.

She has sensory and communication difficulties. My eldest wants to play her music and watch the tv when she wants but the noise upsets my youngest. I've bought the eldest headphones so she can have her music but she says its not fair. That she wants to listen to it out loud. I can't pick. I can't win.

Days out we don't do anymore. If my 7 year old doesn't want to its not as simple as just making her. She will self harm, scream, rock, hit at me and her sister. The last time I tried the eldest told me not to bother, that she knew she wasn't going anywhere and we can just stay in.

I have nobody to watch the 7 year old. My parents are dead. Dad hasn't seen either of the girls since he walked out 4 years ago. I have a few friends but the vast difference in watching a child without these issues compared to mine who does people don't want to watch her and I can't blame them

The main reason I'm writing and asking for help is my eldest has a play at school. She wants me to go. I can't bring the 7 year old. Way too many people and she will meltdown. What do I do? If i don't go i fear that I will destroy my relationship with the eldest irreparably. I do see her point. It feels like we live according to the youngest but my youngest can't think or cope like we do.
I don't know what to do. I just don't

Have you spoken to your local LA? Your dd sounds line at a vert minimum she may be entitled to short breaks funding whxub would allow you to pay a family member or friend to watch your youngest for a few hours a month to have some 1-1 time with your oldest. Am

I'm sorry you have been carrying so much on your shoulders, alone

Can you talk to the school? Obviously it's not their job to help you with the 7yo, but there's no harm seeing what they can do - I'm sure they want your 13yo to have you in the audience. E.g. they might be able to have the 7yo supervised in a quiet room, while you watch the bit that your 13yo is in.

Or if that's not a goer, ask a friend if she can help. I hear you, that this is a big ask, that you don't want to make very often, but this might be one of those times.

Really, the only way is to ask for help, one way or another. If you don't ask, then you definitely don't get.

I do think it would be a huge shame to miss out on such a proud moment for your eldest.

If you were my friend I'd help out in a heartbeat. Even if not a close friend I'd do it for a mum I'm familiar with on school run. Please ask for help, people are kind.

@RightThenFred said ask people.

Myself and DP will babysit a kid that my DD isn't bothered by who has ASD.

The kid can be difficult but we all know what they like/dislike so generally can avi6d them kicking off for the few hours we look after them. The kid also has limited verbal ability but luckily DD can work out mostly what they are saying.

Point I'm making there are people out there who will be able to look after your younger DD for a few hours without her having a melting down - you just need to ask people.

And yes my DP is ND as well with DD suspected which probably helps.

I look after a friends son who has significant additional needs so she can spend time with her dd. We hadn't even known each other that long when I started, she's a school mum.

You need to ask people, or get paid care so you can attend the eldest's school.

Does your youngest have noise cancelling headphones? I know how hard it is, but it can't be your 13 year old compromising every time, are there a few times a week where she can listen to her music and tv without headphones?

Could you play the long game here and join a parenting group for children with ASD and maybe find a support network there. Our local one had stuff for our older non ASD children too and meeting other children helped our older children to gain perspective. Just keep trying the little stuff in the meantime, her favourite chocolate, sweets, a ticket to a show with a friend something along those lines. Don’t invest in one play, your daughter will be able to see things more clearly if she gets cared for too with those little deliberate actions. She needs that care.

Can the youngest wear ear defenders or similar at least sometimes ?

I agree you need to ask people - even if you don’t know them that well as it sounds so very important to your eldest.

At 13 if you don’t repair the relationship quickly you may never get it back.

Is there a dress rehearsal during school hours you could attend? Long term you really need some form of respite care for all your benefits. Does dd2 get dla or have a support worker?

What have you tried to reduce her sensory overload in public? Any chance earmuffs plus a tablet and sitting at the back or side might do the trick? Does your younger DD go to school? I've stood in the doorway watching a school events so DS could sit outside that room and then uses his tablet as a distraction

Does she have a any sort of support person she's familiar with at school that might be able to babysit her for a couple hours? I know it doesn't help for now, but my DS who was always the worst, of my 3 Autistic kids, for crowds and school events is doing a lot better with being busy places at 10 than he was at 7. Sitting him with a tablet has always been the best way to help him cope in public.

Will youngest wear ear muffs at home sometimes so oldest could listen to her music out loud? We compromise, sometimes the living room can be noisy and you stay in your room if you don't want to deal with noise and sometimes vice versa.

Hi, I’m so sorry you’re dealing with so much on your own, OP, but you are not alone. 💐

First of all, there’s a lot of information regarding what your daughter is going through if you research the term ‘Glass Child’. There are lots of articles, tips, and testimonials that might benefit you or your elder daughter. It’s something that could have a profound impact on her if not managed, and some of it might be hard to read, but it’s not too late.

Second regarding your younger daughter, there are childcare providers and carers who are trained and experienced in children with additional needs. That way you wouldn’t have to worry about putting too much strain on a friend or your daughter not having her needs met. This could also give you real time with your elder daughter regularly. You can get help for these things if money is a concern.

Are you in any groups for parents of ND/disabled children? Something like that could help you build a support network of people who understand what you’re going through and give you a ‘village’.

Thank you everyone for your replies. I do need to ask, I have one close friend since uni who I could ask. I just don't want to add onto anyone's shoulders.

My youngest won't wear anything around her head. Ear muffs, defenders, hats. Anything. She hates noise. My eldest will say 'I can't watch the tv but it's ok for her to scream for 3 hours because I sneezed'. I see her point, I really do. I feel like I'm balancing everyone and letting everyone down.

She goes to school 2 days a week. I know my eldest resents that. She hates that were at home and she's at school. I do receive DLA. We don't have much in the way of autism groups round here. Not that I've seen but happy to have another look.

I want to be there for my eldest. I always pick up little treats and we used to sit and talk for hours when the youngest is asleep. But she's suddenly stopped sleeping and I can feel her pulling away.

My SIL worked as a TA in a special needs school and now she 's retired and offers respite "babysitting" for a couple of her former pupils.

So OP there is help out there 🙂

Your eldest needs to have her needs met just as much as the youngest or she will grow up to resent you and likely go NC.

It’s happening more and more.

Do you have a social worker? You need to ask for more support, respite care so you can spend some one on one time with your eldest. In the meantime, can you ask at your daughter's school if any of the TAs would be able to babysit sometimes? They will be DBS checked and will probably have some experience of SEN. You need to build a small team of people that you can trust to look after your daughter. Look at Nannying agencies too or you can advertise on local Facebook groups for qualified carers (obviously you'd want to interview and get references) it will take some time and effort but you really need to make time for your eldest. Ask social worker if there is a young carers group she can join, it would do her good to spend some time with other young carers who understand how difficult it can be.

Have you looked to see if you have a young carers group near you? Your daughter would definitely qualify and would give her a lot of support.

I also think it is unrealistic to try and avoid dd2 meltdowns at the expensive of dd1. As she says, a sneeze can trigger it. You need support to find ways of helping dd2 self regulate. Why is she on a reduced timetable?

What's your financial position, could you approach a care agency to provide a carer for your daughter to give you some time with the eldest? You can search on the CQC website for agencies that work with children near you. It's not cheap - £20+ per hour - but they will have autism training and develop a care plan for your daughter.

Are you working with your eldest? I don’t mean asking her to share the responsibility of your DD2, but allowing her to help with decision making and planning.

It helps with the powerlessness that we feel when other people’s needs override our own.

She may have ideas that would help her get her needs met, or suggestions for managing DD2.

You could leave notes for her- a chocolate heart and a loving message, to show you are thinking of her even if you are in a different room.

You save any spare money you have to hire a babysitter to watch your 7 year old - at least once a week so you can spend some alone time to go out and do whatever your 13 year old wants to do. At the very least you must do this for the school play.
I really feel for you and so sorry you are in this situation but ensuring you get some alone time for the eldest will really help. You sound like an amazing mum.

Gosh what a desperately sad situation

Respite care as we all know is barely existent, very few friends would take a child like that off OP’s hands for an afternoon and in the meantime her lovely older daughter is missing out.
I really hope you get an answer soon OP.

Sorry this isn't directly helpful, but make sure your eldest daughter's school know she is a Young Carer. Lots of schools provide support for students where there is a sibling with additional needs. It will help her to connect with other teenagers in her situation. It doesn't matter how much of the care she is doing, the fact her life is impacted by her younger sister is enough to meet the definition. I'd also reach out to parent support groups for yourself, often these are parent run. Look on facebook. Also check out your area's Local Offer, this is a website maintained by all local authorities detailing support for children with SEN. You could be eligible for respite care which would make a huge difference. I'm assuming from the description you give of your younger daughter that she has an EHCP? If not, speak to the SENCO at her school. You can request one from the LA if the school haven't done so. Good luck!

Can you request respite from your local authority?

It seems your daughter low functioning autism, so she could not have a 'normal' babysitter.

Look up glass child, this is how your oldest daughter feels.