No patience with toddler since newborn arrived.

[mariamars]

Baby is 5 days old. My birth was straight forward and I'm recovering well but I'm still really struggling with PGP which I'm really frustrated about as I assumed it would go after birth and it was awful during my pregnancy. Hormones are also all over the place and I'm finding it difficult to keep on top of my standard of housework and juggling both kids. DP is home and is doing any housework that is required, sorting washing etc and mainly looking after the toddler but the house just constantly seems a tip. Newborn is no bother, very chilled baby so far but lack of sleep is affecting my mood.

DP gets up and does his equal share in the night but the problem is he is a deep sleeper and I am a very light sleeper so I hear baby instantly then tell DP it's his time to get up but then I am wide awake myself and can't get back to sleep.

My 3 YO has been an absolute dream with his baby brother and is besotted with him, so kind and gentle with him and loves helping out. I feel like absolute shit as I just keep snapping at him and losing my patience with things when he is moaning and I also feel like I've spent no time with him. He is picking up on this because he says he only likes dad but then also asked if I could take him swimming yesterday just me and him and it broke my heart. Has anyone else experienced this? I'm also snapping a lot at DP. I feel so guilty and wondering if this will pass and any tips/advice on not getting so snappy at my toddler would be much appreciated. I feel like we are losing our bond and I miss him but then I wake up and get annoyed easily at things he does. I have cried each night about it.

It's tough. The only piece of advice I could give you is to ask yourself a question- what is more important to you- high housekeeping standards or strong bond with your firstborn. Then go from there

Please don’t be too hard on yourself; you’re 5 days in and it’s hard. I remember feeling the same but it does get better and despite having the same fears about my eldest the bond is just as strong 5 years on

awww I know it’s hard but I wanted to cuddle my first born more than ever. They need you more than the newborn tbh!! They are so sensitive and fragile and sometimes worried about new baby. We tried to love bomb our elder child when baby arrived

Its baby blues, it should pass. If it doesn't ask your dh to nag you to tell the hv, as it could be PND

Go easy on yourself, at day 5 your hormones will be all over the place.

I don't mean to sound dismissive, but really, leave the housework, bar the very basics which your DP can do. You'll literally never get this time back with your 2 little ones, they're only this small once. Soak it up while you can!

This is complitely normal.

The only thing I could do to spend more time with my toddler is to get her invovled: she helped feeding, changing nappies, entertaining the baby, and so on.

I thought she would be obsessed with me when the new baby arrived, but she was all over her dad. I did not feel bad about it, to be honest, if anyhing, I found it helpful that she didn't want to be around me all the time.

Babies and kids always change which parent they love the most in certain periods so please try not to worry about it.

Forget about the housework it's not important. If your baby is as good as you say and settled between feeds then spend one to one time with him then. What is he doing that annoys you.

Your child is telling you what he needs. He wants some 1:1 time with you. If swimming is too much, do something else. The poor lad has missed you, has had his world inverted and he needs you. Crying every night won’t resolve anything. That’s just self pity. Ask yourself if you want a string bond with your eldest child now that you have two and take it from there.
You have a supportive partner and fairly easy going kids. Enough said.

Thank you for the kind responses. With my eldest he was always cuddled and loads of contact naps and I cherish those times so I just feel like naturally I wanted to do that again this time but obviously I understand not as much a it's impossible with 2 and I also want to ensure I'm spending enough time with my first. But I feel guilty if he is in his Moses basket too long. I think I'm being naive, I'm basically all over the place at the moment!

I think op needs to do stuff with toddler while cuddling baby as baby needs that bonding time with mum too, things like share a book with toddler while feeding newborn, have newborn in a sling while pottering doing crafts with toddler, remember you've only just given birth and can't do too much atm, stop being so hard on yourself op, your toddler knows you're there and not going anywhere, there are things you can do that's going to benefit both at this stage

But I feel guilty if he is in his Moses basket too long
You don't need to feel guilty if he is settled in the moses basket. There are so many post on here about velcro babies that can't be put down at all. You are very lucky you have a baby like that so make the most of that time with your son.

I think this response isn't very kind to be honest. Op has just given birth and both her children need her right now. Don't make a post partum mother feel guilty when she's trying her best and at such a vulnerable stage.

I have ordered a baby carrier/sling from
Vinted to try out so hopefully that will help juggle
both better with less guilt. DP also works away Monday - Friday and he will be back in a week or 2, I'm absolutely dreading it and wondering how on wart I will manage. I always managed absolutely fine with eldest as we had a great routine and he's always been an excellent sleeper but 2 is a whole different ball game.

Been through this very recently, and felt exactly the same as you do. My DS was always fine with new DD but wouldn't give me the time of day. If he was in a room with DP and I he would cry for daddy as soon as he left, it was heartbreaking!

I can say it started to get better after 10 days and DS "forgave me" but I would say the first 8 weeks I found really hard.

I look back now and laugh but at the time it was the worst time of my life. Hang in there and don't be hard on yourself, you've given him a sibling which will be the most incredible best friend (he won't remember you stalling at him)

Sending hugs, it will get better ❤️

I had a 5 year old 2 year old twins and a newborn the newborn has to fit in with the family not the other way around. So your son should be your priority when baby is settled.

Honestly, this is so similar to my situation! Does your DS go to nursey or anything OP?

DS was an easy baby, DD is a bit more complex (IE doesn't sleep!) But such a joy in other ways!

@mariamars I had a 16 month old when my baby came along. I won't lie to you, it was hard, really hard until about 12-16 weeks then it started getting easier with baby starting to sleep more at night. You will manage, because you have too, you just do it, I remember crying so much during pregnancy worrying about how I'd cope.
The baby will fit into your routine, and watching your two kids bond is so special and makes it all worth it. Atm baby is just there to toddler, nothing exciting going on and all he sees is this new baby with his mummy ! Everyone will adjust don't worry it'll be fine

Oh also I remember crying my eyes out because I thought my dd hated me 😆 she doesn't ! She soon got used to the new normal it just took abit of adjusting

@Impatient6227 he does go to nursery 2 full days and then previously because I was working 4 days my parents looked after him the other 2 days. He has a wonderful bond with my parents so they are still going to look after him one of those days and take him out.

Hey, like others I’ve been there and felt everything the same. Baby is now 4 months old and it’s getting easier but we’ve also adjusted.

100% a carrier or stretchy wrap, my baby practically lived in one for the first three months which meant I could do baking/ read/ do crafts/ go to the park with older one while the baby slept. Cluster feeding was tricky but Dad spent lots of time playing with the older one. For the first time ever he’s become her preferred parent which I found hard but have now accepted that they’ve really bonded in this period and that I will have my time again! We also explained to my DD, now 4yo, that she did all the same things as a baby but that she grew out of them, so it’s only for a little bit of time.

Accept what help you can from family and friends when your partner goes back to work, having another adult around to do something exciting with the older one is really helpful in the first few weeks. I called in as much support as possible in the first 4 weeks.

I was never snappy with DD before having the baby and I still find it hard that I am now. I apologise to her and work hard to try not to do it but sometimes everything is happening at once and it’s too much for me. She has also learnt some big lessons around waiting and learning to share her parents, but that we still love her to bits and that’s a challenging but important lesson that they need to learn.

also, abandon the housework standards…

Why don't they look after the baby while you spend quality time with your son especially now you have said he is at nursery 2 days. Maybe he feels left out as he doesn't understand why he is sent to nursery when you are at home and could be home with you.

@mariamars congratulations on your new baby and glad the birth was ok.

Going from 1 - 2 kids was tough and several of my friends and acquaintances have said the same. Five days in is so hard with recovery from the birth, hormones, baby blues and sleep deprivation so you must give yourself all the grace - it's so hard to meet the constant, endless demands of two very little ones when you are struggling yourself.

It gets better and does so quickly, I promise - I am ten months in and on a more even keel now, able to manage on my own - but it really wasn't that way at first - I was tearful, wobbly and cross!

Take all the help available from your DH and parents and take each five minutes as it comes. Try and meet your basic needs first (eat, drink, rest, wash, use the loo) and treat yourself to little things that will make you feel better (e.g. nice food and drink, fresh air). You can't pour from an empty cup. The house being a mess makes my teeth itch too but unti things get easier, your priority is your wellbeing and that of your DC - your time is best spent cuddling your baby and doing little things with your eldest.

@HereintheloveofChristIstand bloody hell that’s a bit harsh. She only had a baby 5 days ago! 5 days!!!

@mariamars 5 days is no time at all, you all need to recover and adjust, be kind to yourself.

newborns need a very basic level of care. Make sure the baby is fed and warm and if it’s settled in the basket or bouncer then leave it there!! Time will come soon enough when it’s so demanding more attention. I don’t know a single woman that could manage swimming at 5 days postpartum so don’t feel bad about that one.

I used to put my newborn in the playpen so my toddler could pootle about without being told to constantly be careful of the baby.
I didn't do any housework and stayed in pyjamas for almost all the first two weeks. Can you do some craft playdoh / duplo /cake decorating (ie, something gentle) with your toddler at the table? Obviously don't go swimming or do anything energetic at this point.
And both dc's will be fine. Your newborn won't have as much attention as your first born did and will cry for a bit longer as you'll be busy, and nothing bad will happen. Your toddler will be ok having a sibling and realising your time will be a bit different now. Be kind to yourself too, those hormones are bloody horrible.

Yes I was going to stay try to keep his routine as normal as possible (not easy i know) but I think that helped with the adjustment a bit too