Husband and I feeling like housemates - two years PP!

[cheeseandwhine2]

Two years PP with a needy toddler. He co-sleeps, has the energy of a Duracell bunny and this means that I get around 2 hours a day to decompress and get a break. Toddler goes to bed at 9/9.30pm, because he will not go to bed earlier. We have tried and tried.. it just won't happen. Capping naps doesn't help, cutting naps made him overtired..

My husband is older than I am. He's turning 50 year, whereas I'm 35. This is fine, but his energy levels are lower than they used to be, and he's seeming more and more like an old man than ever. He reminds me of my dad a lot of the time!

We didn't have a good sex life before having our son. There is some ED, and so it has always been a bit disappointing? Then we went through IVF to have our son and things never ever improved. We have had sex twice since we had our son.

I am just feeling so burnt out and depressed and trapped. Is this what it's going to be like forever? I don't want my husband to touch me - that can't be normal? I have expressed myself to him in attempts to be honest and he is understandably hurt and disappointed and we don't know how to find our way back to each other before we fall apart completely and end up divorced. Help.

I don't know the answers but just wanted to say we are very much in a similar situation. You're not alone

Does he know why he's got ED and has he done anything regarding that? Does he meet your needs and make the effort?

I'm not sure what kind of advice you're looking for when your sex life has always been bad. You both need to put in some effort to get it going again.

Your sex life is usually the canary of the relationship. What's the rest of your relationship like?

You say you're burned out. Does your husband do his fair share? Do you resent him? Is that why you don't want him to touch you or don't you have a libido?

Taking a step back from sex for a moment- what is the rest of your relationship like? Do you get on? Do you share any interests? Do you get any time to spend together as a couple, just Mr & Mrs rather than mum & dad? Any date nights- even if that is just some time together after bedtime?

My advice depends on those things really. If you’re getting along, everything is otherwise good and it is JUST sex that is the issue then of course sex is the thing to focus on.

But if actually you’re generally disconnected, I’d focus on the other bits first, quality time together, getting to know each other again, and then the issues around sex may begin to resolve themselves.

I know you mention issues with ED but it’s important to remember (both of you) that there is more to a sex life that just PIV sex. If it’s that he has no interest in doing anything at all then again, another issue.

Yes, we have shared interests and get on. I just don't feel like there's any attraction there anymore, but it feels like it has completely gone since having our baby.
He's a fantastic dad and a great guy, helps around the house and lets me rest and get a break when I need it.

I've been co-sleeping with our toddler in another room for nearly a year and we have been out for a date once without him.. I was genuinely worried about what we would talk about but it was fine!

I have severe depression and anxiety and go through funks like this occasionally where I just don't want to be near anybody else.

The ED has always been an issue - he has medication but it doesn't always work and needs to be taken in advance so it's not like you can have a spontaneous quickie while there's a chance ..

He helps out loads - I can't figure out what it is that's causing me to push him away other than a lack of attraction / spark.

The ED has always been an issue, he has seen docs about it and has medication but it doesn't always work and needs to be taken in advance so planned out.

He is a great guy, great dad, but there's no passion at all. We're basically friends?

Are you receiving professional support with your mental health OP? It sounds like that may be the root of this rather than the relationship or him?

Is it the fact he’s 50 and reminds you of your dad? Why the huge age gap?

I have severe depression and anxiety and go through funks like this occasionally where I just don't want to be near anybody else.

I would work on your mental health. See a Dr, sort out your medication, exercise, eat well, look after yourself. I'm glad your husband is supportive.

Regarding his ED, as long as he's meeting your needs, it's something that can be worked around. But I'd tackle your mental health first, it's very common to lose your libido and want to isolate yourself when you're depressed.

The huge age gap - doesn't normally bother me, he doesn't look or act his age usually but it's just more obvious now. His parents are significantly older than mine, etc.

My parents also have a larger age gap, so that's probably something to do with it..!

As for the depression etc - I'm on medication - it's recently been raised as I was very low and it's caused me to feel pretty empty. I'm on the waiting list for counselling and to see a psych but can't afford to go private so just have to wait

In my experience, cutting naps does make toddlers overtired in the short run while they adapt - you need to keep going and in a week or two it gets significantly better.

Are you happy cosleeping with your son or is this something you’re also hoping to improve?

Does he care for his health? At 50 he should be full of life. Round here all the middle aged farmers that age are fit as a fiddle. I often see men in their 50s and 60s whizzing about on bikes. Is he overweight? Does he do any exercise at all? Does he smoke? Eat a healthy diet? There is no way he should be like this with ED at his age. He simply won't last many more years if he is.
He needs a full health check up and the gym by the sounds of it. Urgently.

It probably is, I find we do just become our parents as we get older! It does become more obvious after a child I think. Realistically the age gap will be an issue going forward, it may have been fine before but now with a child he will be knackered.
you can save it though. Does he make you happy? Do you have a laugh together etc and want to stay together. That is important, do you see yourself with him long term?

Are you breastfeeding OP? I'm in a similar situation to you. I blame the breastfeeding but I'm down to just one feed a day so it might be misplaced blame

Thanks - it's hard but I really hope it's a phase we can get through once the sleepless nights are behind us and we can start to breathe a bit.

We co-sleep out of sheer desperation 😫It started when he was 13m because he woke 3-5 times a night and I was losing my mind. I moved into his room, bought a double floor bed and I sleep there every night once he wakes up. He always, without fail, wakes up - usually 2/3 hours after bedtime. Sometimes I start the night in my own bed, and then go through to his room when he wakes, and other times I don't even make it to my room before he's awake.

We aren't on board with sleep training, and he gets extremely upset if I'm not there - he needs to be physically touching me. We do sleep better once I'm in there, but it's not like I'm getting a refreshing nights sleep - ever.

My husband drives a truck for work, and has sleep apnea - he literally can't have poor sleep or he isn't allowed to do his job as he isn't safe. We made this decision when we had a baby, that I would do the nights. I just didn't expect it to be so hard and relentless 2 years later..! When he is off, he takes our son in the morning and I go back to bed. I get lie ins a lot to recover from the night.

With the naps - he does sleep for an hour or an hour and a half - it takes about 20 mins of fighting to get him to nap, but since he sleeps I figured he needed it. If he doesn't nap, he passes out at about 3.30/4pm.. danger nap territory and then bedtime is a shambles (as usual) - the no nap thing only works if he wakes late.

I'm not - we weaned a few months ago. He does like to put his hand down my top for comfort though so we have a daily battle about me not allowing this and him kicking off and trying to get his hand down there. I will say the hormonal shift after weaning was brutal.