How to deal with unkind behaviour from DD towards one of her friends

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I need some advice from those who have experienced similar ?
DD is in year one, she previously had a best friend but in the last few months DD has been repeatedly unkind to her friend, ranging from inciting other friends to leave her out, ignoring her friend when she speaks, snatching, unkind comments, refusing to play with her then getting jealous when she is playing with others. I have been in contact with her friends mother and the school and together we are all working together. I thought I had got through to DD as before half term she made her friend a really lovely apology card of her own doing and gave it to her friend, which was lovely. However, I was told this week the problems are starting again, the girls have been seperated at school and my DD is getting jealous that her friend is playing with others. It doesn't appear to be registering with her that her friend also needs friends too.
I am trying to model behaviours at home, talking about the types of wrongs and right behaviours, trying to get DD to see it from her friends perspective and that we treat others how we like to be treated ourselves. I have explained that it is ok sometimes to not want to play with your friends but we still need to be kind in how we say things. DD's headteacher rang me to tell me there were some incidents this week and it is now going to require a very firm and clear chat by the headteacher which I of course was in agreement too.

I do not excuse DD's behaviour in the slightest but I am mindful that she is also going through some very big life changes - she is spending more time with her father (sometimes it is very reluctantly) and having midweek overnight contact which I know she doesn't enjoy, she comes to school dishevelled, sometimes with unbrushed teeth and tired as he lives a considerable distance from school. She is going to bed later and waking up much earlier. Her father is also very unsupportive and doesn't know what is happening at school. We are not amicable at all so I would never speak to him for advice which is a problem in itself. I understand friendship issues are common in different stages at school but DD is otherwise extremely bright and so kind and loving, so it is really sad to see this unkind behaviour from her to her friend. DD has had two lots of counselling at school, she has been through an awful lot at such a young age so I am especially mindful not to come down on her like a tonne of bricks but I also NEED her to know this is WRONG and we don't treat ANYONE like this.

Any thoughts, or suggestions would be really helpful?

Her and her friend do clubs together and otherwise get on famously out of school, the issue is very much in the school environment.

Is there a particular pattern to this behaviour in school? Days/ times etc

I think the poor co-parenting relationship with her dad is likely a contributing factor. Have you tried mediation? Really he needs to know what is happening in school, especially as he had a her quite a lot.

School have told me.
I don't speak to the dad at all he has very little to do with her schooling and friendship groups.

The relationship between you and the ex needs to improve and then you will probably see changes in her behaviour. You need to let him know what's going on if he has her a lot.

All handovers are done at school and I only need to do handovers with him in holidays which are fine as I have no issue in going over to him but she very much picks up on the dynamic towards me from him. She is very unhappy about the level of contact she has and has expressed this to school and me but she has no choice in the matter as it's all court ordered..

I don't speak to her father and he doesn't speak to me. It was a horrific domestic abuse situation and I wouldn't tell him anything. He has his own independent relationship with school.

Maybe the school can put you in touch with resources to help her further in managing her emotions. You mentioned she had counselling at school. It looks like she needs more of that.

She has had two rounds of counselling at school on two separate occasions..

Her father isn't an easy man either. He's very derogatory about me to her. I think she feels torn and is projecting but her head teacher said friendship issues in year one and other years are very common and she sees this a lot.

She needs continuous therapy. She needs to develop trust with an adult whom she can share.

Perhaps she is trying to control her friend because she feels her life is out of control?

Friendship issues in year 1 are very common, but then so are complicated family backgrounds. I agree with previous posters that the two are often related. When my DD's "best friend" treated her like this it was because she was having similar issues (divorced parents, difficult relationship with her dad). It's a power thing - they have no control over their home situation so they assert their power at school.

For this reason it will be hard to solve. You need to work with the school (as you are doing) and keep addressing it with DD, but don't expect a magic solution unfortunately.

I think play therapy could be helpful here, I can't see how counselling was deemed suitable for a little girl in Year 1. However, environment needs to change also or the play therapy, while allowing her to express her conflicted feelings, won't change things for her when outside life continues as it is. He should at least be ensuring bed and wake times and readiness for school etc. It is very sad that she is forced to go when she dislikes it so much.
Maybe there's also a social/emotional group in school that she could be included in.

This is so sad. I'd agree that her dad's behaviour is probably at the heart of this, she might be trying to process what she sees by copying his behaviour towards her friend.

I think you've summed it up perfectly. She does enjoy seeing her dad but she's struggling hugely with midweek transitions the different routines too, he doesn't listen or take advice from me and does his own thing. But she certainly enjoys the weekend time with him as he does take her to expensive activities etc. I think she'd be happier if the midweek contact was just after school and not overnight. Its just sad she's being unkind. This isn't her at all.

If he has a separate relationship with school then maybe the head could speak to him about noticing the pattern and that overnights are not working well for her at this age?
While this sounds outside a heads remit, most of them are very experienced at picking their way through difficult parenting relationships and obviously they have the child's interests at heart.

Is there reason for the mid week over night financial? Could he have more time in the holidays (as she enjoys her time with him) to compensate and keep maintenance at the same level?

I'm a year 1 teaching assistant. The advice on here is great. I assume they used to be good friends and you get on well with the other girl's mum?
Would a supervised play date or activity with both girls and mums be helpful to repair their friendship? If there's nastiness at the time then you can both see what's happening and handle it together. The other girl COULD be playing a role in it as well.

Regarding dad, he shouldn't be sending her to school as he is. She's not keen on going over there and she's showing up to school tired and likely not feeling her best self compared to when she stays with you. Year 1 is a tough year as they transition to play based learning to more 'sit down and write' learning. Serious conversations need to be had with dad and if he can't parent your daughter properly and do the basics like making sure she has enough sleep and brushes her teeth then he shouldn't really be looking after her in my opinion.

You sound like a great mum xx