DC embarrassed to have a friend over for playdate

[Itssojulia]

Hi all,

Wondering if anyone can lend any words of wisdom on how to deal with this situation?

DC(7) has been asking for a playdate with a school friend for ages. I have contacted her school friends parent to sort out dates.
I asked her whether she would like school friend to come to ours for play and tea after school.

She said no, that the food we eat is weird and friend won't like it. She also stated she is embarrassed of our small flat and all her other friends have lovely, large houses compared to us.

For reference, I am a single mother living in a cosy (imo) but homely 2 bed flat. Most of her school friends are from 2 parent families that generally live in large, expensive new builds.

I don't know whether to cancel the playdate or carry on and show my daughter we have nothing to be embarrassed of.

Has anyone any ideas on how to approach this?

Thanks in advance! Xxx

I'd be concerned where she is getting these ideas from. Do you think she is being teased at school?

In a very similar situation. I didn't want to be embarassed to the point of avoiding playdates.

i think it's really important to show your daughter that there is nothing to be embarassed of, and to remind her that what matters more than the size of a home, is the happiness of the people that live in it.

It's also a chance to encourage hosting skills in your child - for her to find out what her friend would like to eat, and what games she would like to play.

Is there a way of showing her too that not everyone lives in large houses - she won't be the only child in a flat?

No, I don't think so. She is generally very happy at school and her teacher reports good friendships within the class.

I think she doesn't particularly like where we live and it more so stems from that?

What food do you eat?

I remember being asked by a child at our house ‘where is the playroom?’ They are all from very wealthy families whereas ours is modest. However the kids have never been that bothered. Her friends won’t care either. But why is the food you eat weird? Can’t you just do some nuggets and chips or pizza to please them?

Thank you for your reply!

I always point out we are a small family so we only need a small house and have fully reinforced the idea that families are all different and live differently.

She seems pretty adamant that doesn't want the playdate to happen at our flat.

I actually think most children in her class do live in large houses - I am the only single parent in the class group of approx 30 kids and it would appear that the other parents are older and are more 'middle class' in terms of their finances.
Obviously I can't verify this info, it's just what I observe.

Literally like spag bol, Nuggets and chips, chicken korma and pasta dishes. Nothing particularly weird or fancy! Lol

Yes I can already picture said child asking why our house/flat is so tiny 😳

Yes I'd defo make a child friendly tea - we don't eat anything I'd deem weird or follow special requirements 😅

I think it's very odd for a 7 yr old to make those comparisons. Maybe just explain that all homes are different, and you can have fun showing a friend your room and your toys. Ask what her favourite snack is, and make it for the day of the playdate.

There is a Dr. Seuss book called Come Over To My House that is very good and shows diversity of homes to children.

Tricky, isn't it. Do you think there will be more diversity when she goes to secondary school? Or perhaps you might be able to build a network of single parents, so she sees more diversity this way?

I personally would hold the line with your daughter about not being embarassed/ not giving in to social anxiety. But I realise she is very young still.

Does she see you having your own friends and family over? Or would you typically go to other people’s houses for meals etc?

As all children like different food one tactic is to go round the local shop after picking them up and let the guest pick tea. If there is a local park and it’s sunny that tends to go down well and kill some time. Then you go home, cook and they play. Children can be blunt as pp says with the questions about where the play room is. They rarely mean anything by it though, we can be guilty of seeing innocent questions as judgemental. You are who you are and live where you do and people worth knowing will still want their children to be friends with yours.

You realise if you fall for the “every other child in my class has this” or “every other child in my class does that” then she’ll keep trying it! Tell her to stop worrying and invite the friend over.

I think I would just make it super fun and plan together so your daughter is excited. So maybe you two bake cakes together for her and friend to decorate on the play date. You could order let them eat pizza (make their own pizzas if you can be bothered) while watching a film or something to make it special too. I would go ahead with it as otherwise your daughter will miss out and hopefully she will see her friends don't care. Your flat will probably be more fun anyway ❤️ But if you plan it a bit your daughter might get excited and will see you put more effort in than most! X

My best friend at primary lived in quite a small flat whereas we and most others in the class were in tall terraced houses. Her parents were Malaysian so the food I ate there actually was quite different to what I ate anywhere else. I LOVED going there. I loved the way it smelled (a sort of warm slightly damp rice smell which I still adore when I catch it in restaurants), I loved how cosy it was, I loved the way from her bedroom she could just call out and her parents would hear whereas in my house we had to really yell up and down the stairs if people were on different floors.

Definitely go ahead with the playdate. You and your daughter have nothing to be ashamed of. If her friend does ask then just stick with your line about a small family only needing a small home and show her that you're proud of your home.

She seems pretty adamant that doesn't want the playdate to happen at our flat.

Where does she want it to happen?

My 7 year son is exactly the same. He said no I'll go play at friend's house.

But I said you need to be invited first, why don't we have friend over? It's our turn.

Then he said our house is a "pigsty" (totally got this from me when ranting about how no one picks anything up, football socks left around etc - Our house isn't too messy but things pile up and we need a weekend reset). So we had a spring clean (tidy up the kids stuff, hallway, living room all neat and tidy), and still is a no.

He does plenty of sport and other activities with other kids so I think he just he enjoys his home being his. But the offer is always open!

I would make it happen at your house, but do some things to make it really cool and fun - which is the main thing kids at this age notice, they really do not care about size of house! They are more likely to notice a 'feature' like a bunk bed or something. I remember mine once saying very matter of fact that the child's sister 'slept in a drawer'. Which I think was an underbed truckle thing :)), But this was seen as very interesting. They are really not fussed by grandeur or house size at all at this age.

Eg - fun snack treats, like 'fruit and sweet kebabs' (just put them on a stick), or dip strawberries in melted chocolate, or give them a tub of popcorn to watch TV.
Or buy a few bits to do a fun activity, like stickers or something.
Basically, go out of your way to make it 'nice' - which means nicely presented, and nice food (ie that they will like and remember). My kids have come back raving from one playdate where the dad made them pancakes, and had a selection of nice toppings, and another where the mum made some sort of marshmallow thing like rocky roads. And also one where the family didn't have a TV but projected a film from a computer onto a white wall !!!!!

Honestly, at this age it's easy. Make her have it at yours, be bright and breezy (even if you don't feel it). And if there's something nice nearby like a nice park, take them to that first, and then back to yours.

I feel this! We live in a 2 bed flat (family of 3) and I would say 98% of DD6's class live in large detached or terraced houses with gardens due to the area her school is in. We have had quite a few playdates at ours, and every single child has been incredulous that we have no stairs, no other rooms etc - they've literally never seen a flat before! At the moment my daughter seems to take pride in telling anyone new who comes that we live in a flat and how different it is, but I'm wondering how long it will take for her to be embarrassed by it! I'm trying to keep going with the "all families are different" or "we have everything we need" lines but it is tricky sometimes, especially when she loves home from playdates in all their lovely big houses!

Our spare bedroom used to just have a mattress on the floor when we first moved in and I got asked (quite reasonably) where's the rest of the bed!

This reminds me how mortified I was when my son asked a friend if they 'only' had 1 toilet, and seemed a bit shocked. To be fair, he wanted the loo and his friend was in the shower, so he was frustrated that he wanted to wee and couldn't, but I then had lots of chats with him about different homes and privilege. I think I was overthinking it as his main impression was about their plum tree with delicious plums, so we have to be aware we project our own assumptions over their observations? Worth asking your daughter where she wants the playdate and how to make it special?