How to talk to teen boys?

[comfritt]

I have two teen boys. They are loving, helpful, responsible boys for the most part. Typical lads in lots of ways, no issues with them at school, I'm very lucky.

I don't want to give too many details but they have a difficult relationship with their father (we're divorced) but they literally never discuss it with me and I'd really like to find a way to just touch on it so they don't keep it all inside, which could build up over time and become even harder to deal with.

Their father stopped contact very abruptly and even though on the outside, they appear fine, I'm sure they are hurting on the inside. They have been abandoned by him, but never by me and I've made sure they know that in very clear terms. They know I will always be there for them no matter what.

So, how can I encourage them to talk about their feelings? Or should I not even try? Is it worth trying out some different approaches? Any ideas?

You could test the water by talking about it yourself in a very gentle way - this would show them that it's not an off limits topic .
You could encourage them to write down their feelings around their dad or any questions they might have - sometimes easier than vocalising
Do they talk to you about other important things ? If not keep creating opportunities for them to do so , whilst watching 'their' tv programmes or whilst they are gaming might be good , makes things a little less intense

I've tried chatting to them while in the car, but while gaming/watching something is not something I've tried, good idea, thanks.

Whenever I've tried though, they tend to shut it down pretty quickly with answers like "it's fine/I don't really care" etc. I have no way of knowing if they really aren't thinking about it or if they just find it too uncomfortable but either way it worries me. I don't want to spend hours picking at it, but an acknowledgment of how they feel would be useful, I think.

Yes, we talk about everything and anything - this is the only taboo.

Can you direct them
to people out with their family? Quite often they are reluctant to discuss these things with family mere as they don’t want to upset you or hurt your feelings.

Honestly, you sound like a superb mum and the most important thing is just to keep doing what you're doing and be there for them unconditionally.

Yes, I could ask a male relative to just bring it up, briefly. I worry that they have no outlet for it unless I find one.

That's so kind, thank you. We are close and they know through actions and not words who is there for them, this is true.
I learned the value of talking through your difficulties later in life, so I guess I want them to learn it sooner rather than later.

Which end of the teen years ?

My ex left when ds2 was 5 and didn’t start talking about his dad until he was 16/17 ish. His dad isn’t a taboo topic here and occasionally comes up in casual conversation because it wasn’t a nasty breakup but based on what ds has said to me, he has discussed the divorce with his friends as they have with him. He’s a good lad and tbh not talking to me was the only negative teen behaviour that he demonstrated for many years and 16/17 marked the end of that phase.

My sons dad did a very similar thing.
I found the notebook method worked quite well

I wrote to him on a page saying I knew it was hard to do the face to face but seemed easier to do it via a notebook (might work with text or email for older teens too) so that's what I was going to do.
I wrote all the things I thought he might be feeling or how I thought I would feel in that situation and left the notebook in his room. A few days later I found it on my bedside table with a note written back and we've done that back and forth for years now!

And it's a lovely thing to be able to give him when he's older and probably cringing at what he writes now 😊

Teen boys seem to open up late at night.
Would they watch a film with you one evening then you could just hangout afterwards and chat? It might be better 1-2-1

That is absolutely lovely and very heartwarming!

They are early & mid teens.

I don't know about that, our peak times must be very different as I'd be falling asleep at that time! But good idea to do something together first as a way in, naturally.

Oh sorry - I meant talking to them one at a time not 1am 😊

Haha that's ok, I got that bit!!