8 yr old boy issues

[Rosiiee]

Hi mums,

Haven't been on here in a year but in desperate need of advice re my 8 yr old. He did cut a strand of a girl's hair in class last week. I made him write a card to apologise and use some of his pocket money to get her a Claire's bracelet. He asked me on the weekend "can I keep the bracelet is she doesn't like it?". Obviously I said no.

Today, he comes home wearing the bracelet. He said she didn't like it. I go through his bag and find the bracelet box and the card. When I confronted him with the evidence he admitted that he never gave it to her.

I'm livid. I thought I had handled the haircut incident well and taught him how to apologise to his classmate. I can't believe he lied to me about her not liking it when he never actually gave it to her and just kept it to himself.

How do I handle this? Where do I go from here? I'm so angry at him I sent him straight to his room after dinner.

Are you solo parenting? Does he have siblings?

Does he understand that what he did was wrong, or just that he has to give her something?

Yes it's just me and he has a younger brother. He does understand it was wrong (I think?). We had a conversation about it on the day, I rang the little girl's mum and we had a chat, and then when we were picking out the gift I asked him if he knew why we were buying it. I'm so disappointed in him, I'm not sure where to go from here!

What did he say when you asked him why he cut the girls hair?

He said it was just as a joke/for fun. It wasn't malicious or aggressive. I checked the story with the girl's mum and she said that she thinks he has a bit of a crush. I can totally concede that maybe he was embarrassed about giving her the gift but it's also the fact that he lied to me and was just wearing it. I don't want to drop it because I don't want him to think that what he did is ok!

I think at this age the parents (on both sides) need to be present when the apology is made and the gift given, to reinforce both the seriousness of the hair cutting and the importance of the apology and gift gesture. Can you ask the girl's parent to hang on in the playground at pickup so you can do that? Gift giving (without the context) could be something for the other boys to poke fun at especially if they think he has a crush on this girl.

And then you need to have a serious chat to him about the importance of honesty - sounds like you've done that already though 👍🏻

I agree with @Flippinec. I would oversee the apology and have him apologise to the girl, with her mother present. The presence of her parent will up the seriousness of it. To give him the benefit of the doubt, it might have just felt a bit too uncomfortable for him to carry this out solo and he might simply have taken the easy route and chickened out. Apologising can feel uncomfortable and that's part of the consequence that he needs to accept, but he might just need a bit more of a steer from you to do it.

Did he have a consequence either in school or at home? Loss of a favourite toy/ screen time? It seems like even if he had given her the bracelet/ apologised, he wouldn't actually have been put out I any way?

I have an 8 year old DS, and I understand they can be impulsive and not think through the full impact of their actions

I think it would take so much courage at that age, maybe he doesn't have that right now. As above, I'm the playground after school to help him through it

So spoke to the other mum who said he did actually give the bracelet to the little girl but then took it back at the end of the day!!!!

@historygeek he got called into principal's office and didn't get any screen time on saturday. I made sure to ask if he knew why he wasn't getting any tv and he said yes.