Help! Kids and sexuality

[barnstaple]

DD will be 9 in August; in some ways she is ahead of her age, but mostly she's just an 8yo, and pretty naive - she's knows about periods, know how babies are made, but hasn't really related any of it to real people let alone herself. At school all the kids have been having 'boyfriends' and 'girlfriends' since year 2 and it's nothing much and even when she got 'engaged'(!) I didn't give it much more than a passing thought.

She has recently made friends at an extra-curricular thing she does on Sundays with a new boy who is 13!! She is 'in love' (again). I was a little concerned as 13 is a very different proposition from the 8/9 yo boys at school. A woman I know, who knows this boy, assured me there was nothing to worry about. She said he's very young for his age. When dh went to pick her up this morning the boy's mum was there and dh invited the boy over for lunch. So they've had a fantastic day together, playing in the garden, and running about the house. He is a charming boy, articulate, intelligent, good manners, funny. He can come again anytime. Funnily enough, his mum said he was SEN but I don't know any more than that. He is less pysically mature than quite a few of the lads in year 7, but I don't think that's an indication of anything much. No problem, lovely lad, we all liked him, we liked his mum.

After he'd gone, dd told me that they had actually spent some time in her bedroom kissing and cuddling, and lying on the bed kissing and cuddling too.

I kept absolutely calm (oh I'm quite proud of that). DD has begged me not to tell dh (apparently dh had talked to her before the boy came round about saying no and not letting boys push her into doing more and stuff). I have talked to her now about hormones and how they can make you feel things differently at different ages, but omg this has caught me pretty unprepared. I really thought I wouldn't have to deal with this for a couple of years yet.

I don't know what to do. Should I tell his mum that they have done a bit of light petting? Should I apologise? Should I ban the boy - I don't want to, he's a very nice lad? What should I say to dd? Should I tell dh and will dd ever speak to me again if I do (actually I think she will, but I'm letting me run away with myself) ? Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!

Poor you, that's an akward one. I don't have kids that age myself, but I was pretty precocious! In your shoes, I would talk to her again and explain that you feel that this situation is really important and you feel you need to talk it over with dh, but you wouldn't want to do that without her permission.

It is entirely possible that she is blowing something small up into a romantic fantasy (I would have done the same at that age).

I'd also be keen to talk it over with his parents and ask them what they think should be done about it.

What a difficult situation.
You handled it really well - well done for keeping calm.

I think I would speak to the boys mother, and explain what has happened, and make it clear that if they see each other again, it has to be supervised.

Would it be possible for them to meet up at events and activities instead?

I'm not sure about the situation with DH.
I think I would tell mine, but perhaps after I'd sorted the issue with the boys' mother.

PS, I am not saying I wouldn't believe her or take it seriously though.

omg! dont envy your situation! 8 is very young to be dealing with this. Think you should have quite serious talk with dd without making her feel that shes been bad, but making it clear that its a bit early to be doing this sort of stuff. wouldnt ban the boy but would keep much closer eye on them next time, no alone time in bedroom I would suggest. Would tell dh but when shes not there to give him time to calm down before he says something to her he might regret, think you have to tell him, imagine the situation reversed, you wouldnt like it if it was kept from you. Good luck!!

kids do this dont they ? at all ages ? experiment?

from show me yours and i'll show you mine at age 5 ish to doctors and nurses a little later.

in your situation i would be very stern with daughter telling her this is stricktly not allowed - its not that its wrong to kiss but its not allowed until she is older.

Thank you all. I did say that until I had time to consider properly that the rule would be no going up to the bedroom. She did get upset at that, as they also spent quite a lot of time just playing there. Oh boy.

Yes of course, I do have to tell dh, you're quite right and he would be horrified if I didn't. I want to be a baby and put it all off, really.

I don't think she's been bad; I think she's jkust a bit you ng to be dealing with this/doing this.

I know we all showed each other ours but we were all much the same age. At 13 he's going to have hormones raging around fairly soon BUT she isn't. That's why I'm can't shrug it off.

Have to do the bedtime thing now. Will check back later.

Thanks again.

I agree that you have to tell dh, but try not to do it until you have let her know that you feel you have to, and if you can cajole her into agreeing with this first, so much the better -- then she'll se it is serious and also you won't have lost her trust, so she'll still feel she can trust you with a secret next time.

Well I told dh, and he hasn't gone mental, but was a little angry as he had told her this morning that she was not to take him into her room at all.

I will call the lad's mum tomorrow but I must admit I am worried that a) she might be angry with us for not watching them more carefully; b) she might think I am complaining about him; c) she might call dd a slag.

Pathetic.

Isn't the rule no playing in the bedroom. And if they are, the parents have to burst in every 10 minutes pretending to offer lemonade and biscuits?

I wouldn't make too much of it. Your poor dd is probably mortified. I certainly wouldn't feel I had to talk to the boy's mum. What need is there to do so?

Oh I didn't realise she is 9 and he is 13. Definitely no bedrooms then!

And in that case I might consider a word with his mum. You could blame yourself, and just say that you have now asked your dd not to play in bedrooms.

Well, I have prevaricated for hours and girded my loins, ordered my thoughts, worked out my approach, phoned, AND THEY'RE OUT!!

And very stupidly left a message and it's sod's law she'll phone back just as dd gets back from school

Thank you sophiesmiles, have e-mailed briefly. Never been CATed before - my heart went thump!

Ok the kissing and cuddling is 't necessarily the end of the world, kids do it, they experiment, and although it's a bit inappropriate it's generall not done with any sexual intent.

But what would bother me most is the fact that a 13 year old is interested in an 8 year old. At that age 5 years is a hell of an age gap, we're talking child still only just in juniors with child in secondary and that would make me more uneasy than anything. Losing one's virginity at 14 isn't uncommon apparently, so this lad is only a year off what most consider to be perfectly normal.

I wouldn't ban the boy but I would definitely not be encouraging the whole boyfriend/girlfriend thing, because what to her is innocent boyfriend/girlfriend might have far different connotations to a 13 year old boy.

whenn my brother and I were kids the blanket rule was that with friends (same or opposite gender) we could play in the bedrooms but the door had to be left wide open - that way the sexuality aspect was avoided as all friends male or female were treated the same - and Mum could keep a beady eye on us

hope you manage to find a solution - not an easy situation.