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Original poster

Feeling so guilty

33 replies

GiovanniJoe · 02/03/2025 18:31

Today is one of those days that I am feeling so sad, and guilty. I was married to French woman for 3 years. She moved to the UK to live with me but she never settled here. Never worked (even though she was well qualified), had no interest in making friends. Initially I din't mind being 'everything' for her: financial support, social life, emotional support. We were ok until our son was born in 2016. She gradually became unbearably more demanding, dependant and really nasty towards me. For a year I put up with it until it got to the point that I had to move out. My main reason was so that my young son would not be a witness to her screaming at me.
To make a long story short, I allowed her to take my son back to France to live with her. I knew that she would be happier there, and therefore he would be happier too.
The option of me moving to live in France was out of the question, as I could not make a decent enough living in France to support us, as I have little french.
I send her very generous maintenence and I vist my boy 6 or 7 times a year. I say with my ex and son when I go over there. I get on well with my ex, but I have bitten my lip more times than I can remember, as I never want my son to witness any hostility between us. I spend every christmas with them and summer holidays (10 days).

He is 8 now, I have never gotten over the guilt that I may have made the wrong decision of letting him leave the country. I feel that I have never been the full time dad that I would have love to have been. Because of the language I could never really tell him a bedtime story (although I do speak a little french). I constantly tell him how much I adore him. I know that he loves me too.

Today is one of those days that I am feeling that guilt. It just makes me so sad. Thank you for reading

G

OP posts:
Yellowink · 02/03/2025 18:34

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Original poster
GiovanniJoe · 02/03/2025 18:39

that's true, and I appreciate it. It also means that I'm not disturbing my son's routine and his day to day surroundings. It is also a break for her as I do all the cooking, household chores when I'm there

OP posts:
nepobaby · 02/03/2025 18:42

I really don't know how any parent could see their child live in a separate country.

It's nearly always the dads that allow that too.

What's his English like? Is he fluent?

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Original poster
GiovanniJoe · 02/03/2025 18:44

His English is quiet fluent now.

OP posts:
nepobaby · 02/03/2025 18:55

The mother is raising your child single handedly on her own. You are a part time parent and even get to stay at her house 6-7 times a year for the visits.

Unfortunately you made that decision. Perhaps you could've learnt the French language and made that a priority to get a job in France so you could stay local to your child. Why didn't you do this?

Original poster
GiovanniJoe · 02/03/2025 19:02

You're right in everything you say Nepo. I was nearly 48, and I would not have had the time to learn the language to the standard I would need to get a job to sustain us. Besides, the area that my ex lives in (near her parents) in not economiclly great. I felt that I had to keep earning money here.
I appreciate you responding.

OP posts:
Bigfellabamboo · 02/03/2025 19:06

You're going to get ripped apart on here because there's a load of man haters just waiting to jump on these sort of posts. I can understand the guilt and it must be awful. Can you visit more often, would your son come visit you? Also I totally understand how practically and financially you had to say no to moving there,.you couldn't ensure financial stability and what sort of life would that have led to (if you'd even been able to get a visa)

SometimesCalmPerson · 02/03/2025 19:07

You couldn’t have prevented your ex moving back to France so I don’t think you have anything to feel guilty about. You’re doing your best with the situation as it is. Your son is old enough to start staying with you in the holidays now.

Yellowink · 02/03/2025 19:08

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User69611 · 02/03/2025 19:13

That sounds really difficult. Hope you may get to see him more as he gets older and he can visit you too. Hang on in there x

Original poster
GiovanniJoe · 02/03/2025 19:14

It's funny bigfellabamboo, the first replies reflect what you're saying. You're right I think.
It's funny my ex loves when I stay in her house, because she doesn't want to be without our son even when I visit, and I cook and clean do everything for the time that I'm there

OP posts:
Bigfellabamboo · 02/03/2025 19:17

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Or maybe I've hit a nerve? Not remotely het up but thank you for your concern. 😀

Original poster
GiovanniJoe · 02/03/2025 19:19

thank you bigfellabamboo, for your understanding.

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Yellowink · 02/03/2025 19:27

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Bigfellabamboo · 02/03/2025 19:33

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I'm assuming you're referencing this one sentence You're going to get ripped apart on here because there's a load of man haters just waiting to jump on these sort of posts? And from that you've taken it as I'm het up and need to calm down. No, you really couldn't be further from accurate I'm afraid. I'm sensing some irony here.

Original poster
GiovanniJoe · 02/03/2025 19:36

User69611 · 02/03/2025 19:13

That sounds really difficult. Hope you may get to see him more as he gets older and he can visit you too. Hang on in there x

Thank you

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Yellowink · 02/03/2025 19:36

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Original poster
GiovanniJoe · 02/03/2025 19:37

SometimesCalmPerson · 02/03/2025 19:07

You couldn’t have prevented your ex moving back to France so I don’t think you have anything to feel guilty about. You’re doing your best with the situation as it is. Your son is old enough to start staying with you in the holidays now.

Thanks

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Bigfellabamboo · 02/03/2025 19:38

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Wondering what you know about my shoes...
Have a good evening, weird stranger on the internet 👋🏼

Scirocco · 02/03/2025 19:46

It sounds like you love and miss your son, @GiovanniJoe , and tried to make a decision based on his best interests as you understood them, even though it hurt and continues to hurt. It's probably one of those situations in which there was no perfect solution.

If you and your ex are still on good terms, that's positive. Nothing can fully replace being able to be present for your son all the time, but with a good co-parenting relationship and technology, you have options. In a few years, your son might want to spend holidays with you back in the UK, which would give you both that 1:1 time in your own space. One thing you might want to think about in the next couple of years could be building up short breaks in France first, so that you're both used to being 1:1 and your ex can feel confident you can cope with parenting in that 1:1 context.

There are lots of dads in similar situations so maybe find some peer support too. I think Reddit has a Daddit board that's meant to be decent?

Original poster
GiovanniJoe · 02/03/2025 19:55

Scirocco · 02/03/2025 19:46

It sounds like you love and miss your son, @GiovanniJoe , and tried to make a decision based on his best interests as you understood them, even though it hurt and continues to hurt. It's probably one of those situations in which there was no perfect solution.

If you and your ex are still on good terms, that's positive. Nothing can fully replace being able to be present for your son all the time, but with a good co-parenting relationship and technology, you have options. In a few years, your son might want to spend holidays with you back in the UK, which would give you both that 1:1 time in your own space. One thing you might want to think about in the next couple of years could be building up short breaks in France first, so that you're both used to being 1:1 and your ex can feel confident you can cope with parenting in that 1:1 context.

There are lots of dads in similar situations so maybe find some peer support too. I think Reddit has a Daddit board that's meant to be decent?

Thank you Sciricco. My ex knows that I am a doting father and I go to France every free moment I have. My son, if he wants it of course, will have a small business in the UK to run when he is older and earn good money and have a lovely house. I'm also trying to set up a decent pension for my ex that she'll have for the rest of her days. I'm just waiting for th days that my son will want to come and spend time here

OP posts:
arahiganay · 02/03/2025 20:45

How much French have you learned since he moved there?

suburberphobe · 02/03/2025 20:47

I really don't know how any parent could see their child live in a separate country.

You must live a very sheltered life.

It's no different to divorced people sharing childcare living in the same country.

bellocchild · 02/03/2025 20:48

Make sure he stays bilingual - it's a huge gift.

suburberphobe · 02/03/2025 20:55

Make sure he stays bilingual - it's a huge gift.

Yes it is. (I am).

Especially in light of this from you OP...

My son, if he wants it of course, will have a small business in the UK to run when he is older

You sound like a lovely dad.