Struggling relationship since baby born

[LHJ13]

Me and my partner have been together for almost a decade. Over the last few years, he has been going to pub regularly during the week. However, we now have a 3 month old and it’s once every week. That’s fine, but he also works out of the house 9-5 and then also does some work when at home. I do 90% of the parenting which I understand as he works. But when he is home, he doesn’t feel very present. He either sits on his phone when holding the baby or watches TV with him. He doesn’t ever suggest anything to do with me or the baby (such as a day out) and when he gets free time, he wants to go the pub. He is starting to spend every Friday night at the pub, sometimes until 11/midnight and then we have a day on the weekend as a family.

Our son has just had his jabs and was really unwell. He went out to the pub anyway and after six hours of him being out, I asked if he could come home so I could take a shower and he said no.

He’s done this before and can stay out 10-12 hours on the drink one night a week, along with his working 5 days a week. I just feel like we don’t see him and I’m just so disappointed and feel like a single mum a lot of the time. I should also point out that my dad died 8 weeks ago and my baby is 12 weeks old so I’m getting used to a new routine while trying to grieve. I know he needs his time out but we seem to argue about this all the time and I don’t know what to do anymore. I offered to go to couples counselling and try to make more effort and understand his point of view but he said he doesn’t know what more he can do and he isn’t going to change.

Am I being unreasonable? Is there anything I can do before heading for divorce as I’m running out of options?

YANBU. It's not really good enough. He needs to give you physical and emotional support with the baby.

This is just complete avoidance, on his part, of you and family life. He isn’t so much as drawn to pub life as he is rejecting of family life. Is that his model? Is that what he learned from watching his parents? Because he won’t change. He will not suddenly realize what he is missing or move closer to being a loving, caring, husband and parent. He is indifferent to your grief for your father and indifferent to your child’s need for a father. Perhaps he is overwhelmed but perhaps he is just cruelly selfish.

I would sit him dowand ask him, honestly, if this is the best he has to offer. Because if it is then you should just end it and leave. You will find a better man to be a father to your child or live happily alone, not catering to this drunken wastrel—12 hours drinking? Absurd. What a waste of a life.

No I don’t think you are being unreasonable but I do think you both misunderstand each other, which is expected after such changes with a new baby.
From my own similar experience you are on different wavelengths at the moment. There’s a balance that you need to find in your new roles, you need to understand each others parenting styles and while you would have discussed this at lengths I’m sure pre baby nothing has prepared you for now.
If you are breastfeeding, it’s hard for dad to bond significantly with the baby, this will come in time of course but he doesn’t have the bond that you have right now. Your partner has taken on new responsibilities too such as being the breadwinner, don’t forget the toll this brings for him.

This doesn’t excuse the lack of his presence when he is home, but you need to have a chat. Find your differences, reflect upon yourselves and understand why you both act in the ways you do and find out what you both need exactly (it may be obvious to you but not to men!).