In laws, marriage and parenting

[DaringCoralDog]

Hi, don’t know what I’m expecting from this, maybe just a vent and to get some things off my chest.
Im married with a 1 year old daughter. I like to be a hands on parent, and I enjoy spending my time as a family. I’ve not long returned back to work and my mum comes round to watch my daughter. My mum and daughter have a great bound, which was there before I returned from mat leave. I think my husband is starting to notice this more and more and is a little resentful because his mum isn’t as close. He wants his mum more involved and wants our daughter to go to her house so she can watch her. My issue with this is that his mum doesn’t really visit our daughter and he doesn’t make any effort to take our daughter round to visit them either. His mum works but finishes at 2pm. I suggested his mum to visit more often after work/weekends first so our daughter gets more familiar, however for whatever reason that doesn’t suit. as it stands just now our daughter is a bit strange around her so I don’t feel comfortable leaving her at their house. My husbands response is that she’ll be fine, its her gran. The only time they used to visit was at bedtime which was a whole other drama. This has caused some problems between my husband and I to the point that he’s said if his mother were to pass away he’d blame me for her not seeing her granddaughter which was hard to hear. I don’t think I’m being unreasonable in my request. I’ve tried to visit a few times myself with my daughter however I get the impression she wished I wasn’t there, again if I say this to my husband it’s in my head. I really don’t know what to do. I treat both grans the same, none of them have had our daughter staying over night the other difference is I visit my mum and she visits me. I dont do or say anything the odd time his mum does visit, half the time I’ll go for a shower or that so she can spend time with our daughter alone. But every time I mention it it just starts an argument and it’s me that’s the bad guy. It’s getting to the point where I can see us heading towards divorce which I don’t want

It’s not up to you to make a relationship with his mum and your child, he can do that. You carry on as you are.

Why isn’t he visiting with his daughter to spend time with his mum? Surely, they could go after work one day (he could even cook dinner while his mum spends time with her) or on the weekends? It’s Saturday today. He could pop over this afternoon.

Make a habit of saying twice a week, 'Why don't you pop over to your Mums with DD today?' Or, 'You could take DD over to your Mums after work today. DD would love to see her.'

Make it a habit of dropping these comments in, not so much it's nagging, but frequently. He won't do it of course. He wants you to do it all. But it'll let him know you're thinking about it and that it's his responsibility.

Then when there is an argument about it, you can say, 'But I'm always suggesting you take DD over to see your Mum and you never do!'

Does his mum want to be involved and do childcare? Or is it just your DH that is concerned it isn’t fair? She doesn’t seem bothered at all from what you’ve written.

Yeah agree with PP

His mum his responsibility, he needs to create that relationship.

It doesn't sound like you like her much, but is there anything you doubt in her ability to look after DD, or just the familiarity?
In my limited experience, it takes very little time for 1 year old to get accustomed to someone.

I think this is the best way to handle your DH.

It doesn't sound as though your MIL is even bothered. Your DH is being extremely petty by demanding equality between grandparents when one of them doesn't want to make any effort. Surely he must realise that it makes sense to ensure that your child is comfortable being cared for by your MIL before leaving her on her own with her?

He sounds a bit of a dick to be honest.

@DaringCoralDog nothing to do with you if she doesnt make any effort! if she wants to see the child she should come and visit when her son is at home because it is not your job to entertain and make coffee for his mother. how could she provide childcare if she is working herself? she cant! that is not your fault!