Late teens/sixth form - how are you handling yours?

[CheekySnake]

DS started year 12 last sept, after a bit of a bumpy ride through GCSEs (where he had to sit down at the kitchen table with me and be made to revise properly otherwise he pissed about online and did nothing useful). Got reasonable grades in the end. Now doing A-levels, but does so little. It's like he's learned nothing from his GCSE experience.

I'm trying to support him as best I can (and have introduced weekends back at the kitchen table with me to be made to do at least some work properly). I feel that he's 17, he's immature, this is par for the course. He just can't seem to do anything without a massive kick up the backside. School told them to find work experience for June and he's done nothing. Again, I am trying to support him here, sit down with him to go online to find places to apply to (but it's really difficult. WTF do schools insist on it).

My biggest problem, really, is DH, who spends a lot of time telling me that DS needs to sort himself out, why isn't he doing X/Y/Z, but will only have this conversation with DS direct if I insist, and who offers no hands on support at all. If he does talk to DS, he never makes suggestions or offers practical help or guidance, it all just sounds like a male pissing contest. Why can't DS just get a part time job, why doesn't he do more school work, am I checking his homework (erm, why don't you check it yourself!?). I don't think I can do another 18 months of this. It just makes me feel like bursting into tears.

How are other people handling their 6th form teens (and husbands)

If you micromanage him now then he’s not going to be ready for university (if that’s his goal) If he’s not motivated to study then uni will be an expensive mistake.

My kids were responsible for their own work at Sixth Form. I don’t regret doing things like this even when one of them ended up leaving because he worked out that A-levels weren’t right for him.

If they asked for help then they got it. One of them was doing exams during Covid so I offered a tutor for confidence reasons. She did all the prep work for tutor and achieved good exam results.

He's already saying he doesn't want to go to uni, which I don't have a problem with. TBH I think he needs to face some failure at this point. I think it would do him good. Where I'm struggling is DH. If he has a problem with what ds is doing, he needs to deal with it, not create work for me. In terms of micromanaging, I don't want to be doing it. He's 17 FFS.

V similar situation here - A levels are a lot of work and I think many need help managing this, certainly both of mine have benefitted from kitchen table work, support with homework, questioning and reminders, and certainly help with finding work experience. If it helps my eldest is now at uni and very independent!! I think many sixth formers tell each other they do little work but in reality do lots so it is tough to gauge compared to others...

what des he want to do? Sounds like work experience would be really useful for him. Look out for apprenticeship fairs etc. get him to look at what he wants, rather than doesn’t.
work experience often comes from contacts. Get dh on the case.

Yep, have had the conversation with ds yet again this week where I firmly reminded him that the kids who get high marks and claim to do no studying are often lying.

Asked DH to enquire about work experience. He made about the same level of effort as DS.

DS is booked into the apprenticeship fair at excel at the end of the month which should hopefully give him some ideas - eldest child is doing an apprenticeship and he seems keen to go down a similar route.

Tell DH to stop bitching to you.

Easier said than done - my ExH constantly bitched about how our teens were not living up to his expectations bur wouldn't do anything about it.

Best thing that helped my daughter was getting a job.

we don’t pay for anything except a very small amount of dinner money and rangers (older guides )

if she want to pay for

     driving lessons- she has to work 

• go shopping- work
• new clothes- work
• go out with friends- work
• sweets and pop - you have guessed it- work !

she would still be laying in bed waiting for pocket money if I gave it to her

granted she still has her bloody moments, but she’s so busy it does keep her out of bother as well

it now feels like we have more of an adult then a child

My ex is equally useless with ds, so I sympathise.

My ds eventually got good grades at GCSE but I had to chase him to revise. I think that's fairly common. Most teenage boys need a bomb behind them.

His last autumn report was mainly his teachers saying he was doing 'just enough'.

I took him aside at New Year and asked him whether he actually wanted to take A'levels because if he couldn't be bothered, I could find him a work placement that week, or get him a job with a local roofer & slater.

DS was horrified and insisted he wants to take a'levels, and has worked harder since. He's just started to slack off again, so I'll need to give him another nudge this weekend.

DS is still 16, he is very immature and needs constant pushing. Usefully his gaming pc has just died (shame 😁) so he will have fewer distraction this Easter

I'm fervently hoping he matures a little before summer 26.

Can I ask how she got a job? I'm a bit stuck with this, as so many places seem to want 18+

Our teen doesn't have a job. Incredibly shy and after years of school refusal we recognise that attending sixth form every day is an achievement in its self.

We encourage schoolwork but have agreed we won't "police" it as they have to learn independence. What grades they'll get in A Levels is not clear but attending every class and enjoying the learning experience is far better than the situation we were in a few years ago.

You're not doing him any favours, yes you did what you had to so he got some GCSEs but A levels are optional and quite a lot of work, and it doesn't sound like they're the right thing for your DS.
What are you going to do if he goes to university? Go with him and make him study? He needs to want to do it.
Just because he's capable to get A levels it doesn't mean he has to do them. What does he want to do? Has he looked at more vocational college courses?
He should probably finish this year in school but look for something different to do in September.

Getting a job- has he got any experience, volunteering, sports clubs- what’s on his cv?
volunteering in charity shop will help to get retail work. Walking dogs, washing cars…. Gardening…..

she walked into a pub and asked if they needed any pot washers .

Aside from school refusal, this post resonates with me so much.

Ourdc is at college, and a couple of years ago we were in such a pickle.

They volunteer regularly, trying to get their foot in the door for post college options which won't involve uni.

They will progress, maybe not at the pace of more confident, successful peers, but their history means we are bloody grateful for their own small steps.

How is any of this helpful?

It's only when it goes wrong that he will learn.

However, not getting his exams etc is a tough lesson to learn.

I'm not sure what to suggest but your DH needs to support you too!