Parenting styles

[Worriedparenting]

So I'm pregnant at the moment. Totally unplanned and unexpected.
I am happy about this and me and my partner are starting to get excited despite initial reservations. The relationship is pretty new (few months).

He already had 3 kids (17-21) and they all still live with him rather than mum. He was young when he had them. I have no kids, bad relationships and miscarriages in the past.

Now I'm pregnant I've started to question his parenting style. They all left school at 16 and from what I know with no plans for the future. The oldest goes to work when it suits (been paid off) it's a dead end job and she just finds something else. The middle one seems to have her head screwed on and has started an apprenticeship (2 years after leaving school), the youngest basically lounges about all with no intent of finding work or starting college etc. They walk all over him and he allows it. They don't help in the house, never help with paying rent, just swan in and out.

I was brought up that I had to work for my money, growing up I watched both mum and dad work. Doing things around the house gave me pocket money from a pretty young age. I started work as soon as I could in the evenings and weekends to give me extra. Worked hard at school and went to uni, went traveling etc, when I got my first full time job I paid rent to my parents etc. his kids were shocked when they met me that I have a career, drive a nice car and have my own home etc. Their mum never done any of this.

I want our baby to grow up and know they have to work for nice things. That bank of mum and dad will not always be there. Yeah I'm all for helping out etc but they will not be freeloaders to us or anyone else.

How do I navigate this with him. He was keen for us to move in together etc but until his kids can start showing that they are adults and have some responsibility then I'm not keen.

I'm not meaning to be heartless and I get parents help out their kids but they all think that it's up to dad to keep them etc. everyone has tough times etc but from the outside to me it doesn't look great.

Any help greatly appreciated

Firstly congratulations.
I instilled these same values in my children. They all work full time, have their own cars etc. I understand and it sounds like he needs to step up and be firm on his children. As this is your first child I would suggest you approach him and let him know your values and expectation's of him, his children, you as a couple and as a family as a whole.

I just don't know how to navigate this without sounding like I'm being disrespectful or condescending. Especially as I've never done the parenting thing.

I have explained that I want to make sure us living together is best for everyone involved. That it's not just a convenience thing. After all one of us will have to give up our house and then there are 3 young women who still live with him that will have to get used to the dynamic of me being around and a new baby to deal with. At the moment we spend the majority of our time at mine.

Speaking up for yourself with your expectations is not condescending. You want the best for yourself and your child. I personally wouldn't recommend you give up your home...ever! You can alternate between homes. I know you want stability for your child but you also don't know the future.

My plan wasn't to give it up but maybe rent it out or keep up payments etc until I know we're stable.
To be honest too neither house is big enough for everyone. We would have to get somewhere new together for everyone eventually well when the baby needs it's own room.

But again I would rather the time was right for us as a couple to live together too.

I just don't know how to word things I guess.

He does know I don't intend to give up work, that I have started to look at nursery's and have been discussing how childcare and work will happen.

I guess also if we decide to live together I'm not happy contributing to the lives of the kids. Not when they don't do anything for themselves.

Before anyone comes at me I've got no problems with leaving school at 16 or anyone in a dead end job.
If they're happy then that's what's best for them. I would support my kid if that's what they want.

My point is that they have to grow up knowing that nothing comes for free and that they have to work.

I totally agree with you, they need to work and contribute, I strongly recommend you speak to your partner, share your concerns, ask him what his intentions are especially with his children, once you both reach an agreement schedule a meeting with his other children.

So in the past when I've brought up somethings it's pretty much been written off.

For example his oldest expects him to pick her up from work daily. Which he does this is despite the fact she can get a bus directly to work a 5 min walk from home. I said why not make her get public transport. He said but she's my daughter and I'll be there for her. She's also called at 3am when she wants collected from clubbing etc. thankfully he doesn't do this when he's at mine.

Another example is the youngest always asking for cash to go out with friends. It's never just £10/20 it's normally more. I casually asked what she was planning on doing with her life now she's left school. He said she doesn't know and he's not going to push her.

One night we were out with his 2 oldest daughters (both work) and he was expected to pay for drinks the whole night. Not once did either of them offer to go to the bar.

When I've mentioned letting them be independent etc he says but they're my kids and my responsibility. I've tried talking to them but they brush it off and say things like but dads always around.

Until I got pregnant I just thought well it's his issue to deal with. I also thought he was like that so they didn't leave and go stay with their mum.

Now im pregnant I can see how much of an issue it is and I don't want that in my life or even my baby being brought up like that.

I wouldn't allow your feelings to be brushed off, your feelings are valid too. I have been guilty of this myself, kids will take advantage. It sounds like he will always be there for them but he must also recognise that there is going to be a new addition to the household and all must expect change, do you think he will divide his attention equally? Can he continue doing all this when he has a new born, will the other children perhaps be helpful? A discussion needs to be had. Good luck 🙏

You're right about all of that and I think it's a conversation we need to have but also one he needs to have with them.

They will have to understand that a new baby will change his priorities. I'm not saying that they will be less but that the baby needs to come first.

We still have a few months to go so still time for everyone to adjust.

I’d aim to keep both houses and have his older kids gradually take over responsibility for rent and bills on his house etc. while you and baby keep yours and he spends increasing amounts of time living at yours. I wouldn’t be giving up one of the houses until the three older kids are completely independent and don’t need a permanent base at a parent’s place any more.

Oh and obviously if those kids are not yet doing things like their own laundry and taking turns cooking meals and helping to keep communal spaces clean then they need to be doing that too.

We both own our homes so eventually if we did live together they would have to both be sold.
I'm going to try and talk to him this weekend about things. I guess it's just a case of being honest and hope that he doesn't take it as criticism.

The kids needs to learn independence

I wish you luck 🙏

Just an update guys so things have been tense he didn’t see my point at all about making his kids get some independence and things haven’t really changed.
They are excited about a new baby and being older siblings but haven’t really done anything to make his life easier or change. They still rely on him and really don’t get that me being pregnant changes anything. So I don’t see how this will change when baby comes along. He does spend more time at mine than before but they are constantly calling him and he goes running.
I have explained to him that he needs to make things change and it caused a huge argument about how I don’t know and won’t know until I’m a mum with kids their age. I asked how he will make this work when there’s a new baby in the house that needs 24 he care. That he will not be running out at all hours to play taxi and the extra money he is giving the girls will be needed for baby things etc. I am not allowing him to shy away from these costs because they want money to go out.
Ive refused to move into his now, I originally agreed to move in when I was further along and close to the birthdate to make life easier for me and him to be parents. But I’ve said it’s not happening now and I want to be at home. I have no need to have a baby around young girls who thinks it’s ok to swan in drunk at all hours/call for a lift/or just disturb the baby. It needs routine and a calm home. ive also said he can’t be staying with us unless his kids understand that they can’t call him at all hours for something silly, by all means in an emergency but failing that then calls at normal times or not at all.
The only decent one is the middle one who’s now got a BF and has started to save etc as wants to get her own place. The oldest has had 3 jobs since the beginning of the year and the youngest still sitting at home doing nothing.

I have said that my kid won’t be growing up to behave like them, boy or girl they will learn from a young age that they need to work hard.

Maybe it will change when baby comes along 🤷🏻‍♀️ but right now I’m losing respect for him and really dislike 2 of the kids. I have told him this and that if things continue like this then the relationship is over. He thinks it’s pregnancy hormones but I’m not so sure

It’s not pregnancy hormones. But it will be causing you to seek clarity before baby arrives, like part of nesting.

It doesn’t take two parents to do 24hr care for baby and it sounds like he needs to concentrate on parenting his daughters foremost.

I would suggest parenting separately to be honest as your parenting styles are very different and it’ll only lead to resentment from either/both of you if you don’t want a middle ground.

OP, kindly, you're setting yourself up as the 'evil stepmother' here - the one who came in to steal DP's money and time and stops him doing what he wants for his original kids.

I am actually very sympathetic for your situation. If I had to choose between the two positions on raising children, I would choose yours.

But it's your DP's job to allocate his time and resources between his existing children and new child. If he doesn't want to do this in a way that meets your and the new child's needs, you need to end the relationship. You can't try to push him against both his own and his DDs' wishes.

I hope this doesn't come across as too harsh - you seem like a good person in a difficult position. My concern is that you end up in a situation where you can't win - either you're second fiddle or you're the villain of the piece. If I was you I'd be staying in my own home and trying to find a way not to be drawn into this dynamic.

I don’t even care if I come across as the evil stepmother. They don’t need a mum, although they don’t have any respect for their mum anyway. I just want him and them to realise that a new baby will take up and should take up more of his time than adult kids.

if they were young or even teenagers I would be more understanding but at 18 almost 20 and 22 they should be starting to be independent. Not sitting around the house doing nothing/not caring if they have a job to go to or relying on dad to pay for them or keep them. By all means it would be different if they were in full time education etc.

I think the route of the issue is their mum never worked and they think it’s normal. As I said in previous posts they were shocked that I have a career I thrive in, own my own home and drive. (I’m 40 so not young but have worked hard to get to where I am). They are used to just picking up the phone and dad goes running to collect them be it 5pm or 5am. They have started calling when he’s at mine.

I haven’t had the easiest of pregnancies and they are aware of that but have no care that they are disturbing my sleep (never used to call when he was at mine for dads taxi) but now it’s every weekend.

I am hoping when baby gets here that it might make things improve but right now he won’t be welcome to stay once babies here and quite frankly I’m not sure I would want a baby around them at weekends etc if they are out drinking all night.

Do you have a support network who can help in the early days? Or if not, a plan for giving yourself as little to do as possible?

I hope he has a change of heart - but to protect yourself and DC, I think you need to get yourself set up essentially as a single parent, and if you want to then leave the door open for a future change if he steps up.

I have a young DC, and I can imagine how furious I would be if after a long night with the baby, there's a phone call for a pick-up, or someone rocking through the door loudly. Don't even put yourself in that situation!

I have a couple of siblings who didn't 'launch' until mid-20s, but there was always an expectation of working towards qualifications, jobs etc. Your DP isn't putting those expectations on them - so really, he would need to change his attitude, communicate this to the children, give them a reasonable amount of time to get a plan and work through that plan, presume there would be some extra time when they backslide because they don't think he's serious and test the boundary. Even if his mind changed tomorrow, that's not a quick process.

I have friends and family that will no doubt rally round they have done in the past for various reasons. So I’m not too worried about being alone or being a single parent.

i already batch cook etc for work so will get that all sorted too before i give birth for ease.

I have told him he’s not welcome to spend the night at mine when baby comes unless his phone is on silent with no disruptions etc. I also won’t be taking baby to his and he won’t be getting overnights until the problem is solved.

Its not even the kids being at his that’s the issue, I understand their young and entitled to go out and have fun. I just don’t feel it’s beneficial for baby or either of the parents to get interrupted sleep because of this. Sleep will be lacking anyway with a new baby never mind anything else. If he wants to continue to drop everything at their beck and call carry on but it won’t be from my home or when I’m around.

what you have said about DP changing his attitude and communicating this is the biggest issue I have. I explained all this when I first found out I was pregnant. I said that the girls need to learn to stand on their own 2 feet, learn to support themselves and be adults. That it would be beneficial to them to learn the value of money and how to budget. It will let them learn actions have consequences etc too and make them well rounded adults. That it didn’t mean he had to kick them out or stop supporting them (even if he saved their ‘rent’ to give to them as a lump sum when they move out/decide to grow up). That the situation right now wouldn’t be great for a new baby and for us to progress as a couple he will have to make boundaries for the kids. He partly agreed with me but done nothing about it. Then says but their my kids and I want to look out for them / look after them / it’s my job etc. That I don’t understand etc because I’m not a mum (which hurt) but would come round to his way of thinking when I was.

the thing is I’m a fully independent woman, own home, car, decent career and salary. I did live at home until I was mid 20s but I paid my way with my parents, didn’t disrespect them with phone calls at all hours and would never have expected them to taxi me around. I learned to drive at 17 and bought my first car with savings. I also worked since I was about 14/15 making pocket money on top of school/uni etc. chores at home had to be done or I didn’t get pocket money (this was from a pretty early age). It’s not that my parents needed the cash they just said if I was going to live there then I had to pay my way. I’m sure it was something like 30/40% of my income but when I was part time/studying it wasn’t asked for but I would buy shopping for the household etc. They gave me it all back when I moved out. It helped with furniture etc and I’m forever grateful. But it did make me independent, learn how to budget and got me where I am now. I was taught also that working hard allowed me to have nice things and have money to spend.

I also don’t think our relationship is anywhere near the stage we should be living together full time. With or without the pregnancy.

part of me does wonder if my parents were hard on me and I have unreasonable expectations. But then on the other hand I’m glad they did what they did now as I have been lucky that I can afford to look after myself and have everything I need. He is right about me not being a parent and not understanding but then I wouldn’t want my kid to be like his with no real knowledge of how the world works, how to look after themselves etc.

Ouch, way to hit you where it hurts! I honestly don't think it makes a difference - but for the record, I have two kids and completely agree with your stance. I think it's important to introduce children to self reliance, working for what you want and 'no magic money tree' (or lifts tree!) at an age where you are still available to catch them if they slip up. Who is the eldest going to ask for money and lifts when she's 50??? So yes, please know that you are not alone in this.

Good luck with the new arrival, and congratulations in advance! I'm sure you're going to be a great Mum.

So things came to a head the past couple of days.

I’ve basically told him we’re over and maybe it was the wrong thing to do or the wrong timing but I’m just done.

He explained on Friday when I went off on one about him being late for a meal with friends because he had to pick his daughter up from work. Again she could use public transport and he could have said I can’t I have plans but he didn’t. I was left in a restaurant with another couple for 45 mins waiting on him to order. I just had enough and erupted Friday. Not only was I embarrassed by his tardiness but I’ve just had enough of not being a priority.

He explained his dad kicked him out at 17 and made him homeless because he didn’t have a job, got sacked and didn’t have another lined up. He stayed on sofas etc until he got his own place. obviously since then he’s had ups and downs but is doing well for himself now, own business etc. Can also see why his parents did what they did but felt they were too harsh. He doesn’t want to do the same to his kids as he felt then that he wasn’t good enough and his parents hated him.
I was understanding of this but explained again that it’s not what I was expecting him to do or would even want him to do. That all I asked was that he spoke to his kids and explained that they are grown women and need to start acting like it. If they don’t want to be in full time education then they need to be working and contributing to the household. Also that they need to start standing on their own 2 feet, thinking for themselves etc. I also said you have been there with a new baby and know how tiring it can be and how demanding it is. That he was early 20s the last time but we’re both older and will take more of a toll. I felt it between my nephews (12/1) when I’ve been babysitting even before I was pregnant. I just don’t have the same stamina etc as before.
He did agree but said was finding it tough, I offered to be there or stay out of it. I even said could we speak to their mum and maybe get her to speak to them. he agreed to let me be there when they talked.
well that happened yesterday and it was awful, he wasn’t very convincing and basically it came across to me like a suggestion rather than this is what needs to happen. I explained that in 7 weeks time maybe less that their new baby sibling would be here (he’s a boy) and that me and him would need to get extra time with their dad. That they will have to step up then as dad might not be around as often for them, that I might need the extra support from him and m them but I needed them to show that they were young women. That I wasn’t having an easy pregnancy and was finding things tough now. My job is pretty demanding mentally/emotionally and physically. I said that lack of sleep is tough and I’m drained, hence why I haven’t been to stay in weeks. That I need to try and recharge etc.
I also said that if they wanted to learn to drive etc I would help with that and if they wanted tips about jobs/interviews/support for college/uni applications then I was there to help (mum and dad are not academic at all). They seemed to listen and said they didn’t know things were difficult etc but would be around to help.

Then last night his youngest phoned asking for cash to go out (£100) for drinks, taxis etc I couldn’t help but hear as I was right beside him. He sent her £140 his choice I know then the oldest called 4 am ish stuck in town (30mins away) as she couldn’t get a taxi she was with friends and asking if he could come collect them. He had had a few beers and asked me if I would mind going. Not only that but the phone woke the house up (both nephews were staying). I explained to her and him that no I wouldn’t be getting out of bed to go collect 3 girls in there early 20s and that they needed to get a taxi. That they should have made sure they had a way of getting home, it’s not my issue that taxis cost so much and hire cabs won’t collect them. The 1 year old was screaming and crying 12 year old was fine he went back to sleep. Me and him had a huge fall out over it and I told him to pack his bags and go this morning. I did ask where they were and it was city centre with lots of taxi ranks and there was 3 of them. He left when we got up this morning and I haven’t heard from him since.

I think I’m just done now he says he can’t believe I would leave them stranded like that and to be honest I if he can’t see my perspective right now then it’s never going to change. I explained how much worse it will be for me and him with a new baby and even less sleep that a 4 am call isn’t on.

I’ve said for now I want to be alone, for us to make a go of it as a family or couple then he has to prove to me that things have changed at home for him. He can co parent but that’s about it for now. As I plan on breast feeding it will be a long time before he can have overnights etc and without sounding awful he can’t be visiting daily etc when baby comes and right now he won’t be at the birth. Him and his precious daughters can wait and see the baby when I’m good and ready x

The audacity of expecting a pregnant woman to get up at 4am because she can't be bothered to get a taxi!!!

I'm completely with you. If they were in genuine need or danger, I'm sure you would have gone. But "we don't want to pay for an Uber" in no way constitutes an emergency. Buy less drinks and pay for the taxi.

You do whatever makes you most comfortable, it's all about you and DC now! I'm sorry, it must be tough to now be facing new parenthood mostly alone. But I'm sure you're up to it.

That’s exactly it genuine need or dangerous situation wouldn’t have thought twice about it. Being irresponsible then not my problem. Wait an hour or 2 and get a train yeah it’s not nice but maybe learn your lesson.

He’s tried to talk and come over, invited me for dinner etc but right now I’m not in the best head space for this and quite frankly tired

ive told him I need space and time but that right now my mind isn’t changing

he will need to prove changes have been made that he has put boundaries in place and things have actually changed for me to even consider anything changing be that him being more involved or as us as a couple

even his daughters have been in touch saying things like dad is a mess and is in bits etc I haven’t replied but been so tempted to say well this is your doing not mine but so far I’m biting my tongue

I’m still getting my head around being alone but I know I’m doing the right thing and being the best mum I can and this is keeping me going