Am I too soft

[SadSadMum]

Anyone can give me some advice please. I'm at the end of my rope with my husband parenting style.

I grew up where discipline was spanking (I don't mean the kind where it was a few spanks with the hand but the kind that I got dragged into the room and beaten with the stick) or whatever im holding or playing with was taken and smashed. So I'm very aware the effect it had on me as an adult. I thought before kids that's how I would parent (not quite so agressive but a firm hand spank). I also got the silent treatments from the other parent. But now with my own kids I will never lay a hand on them or break their things. Its completely wrong. I've read up lots about parenting without spanking, shouting, yelling, breaking of things, guilting or silent treatments and they have been invaluable.

My husband didn't have the spanking but he had the other stuff, the shouting, yelling, guilting.

My husband and our 9yo argue all the time. He thinks that it's discipline and he has to yelling, shout, break things, take things away to make it sink in. My husband never stops to think why is our DS behaving this way. Its always my way or the highway. Sometimes it just keeps escalating where within 5 minutes half of his toys have been confiscated, thrown away or broken. This is almost everyday. He use to drag our DS to his room for time out. Luckily he stopped doing that. My husband now instead just throws thing which ends up breaking whatever it is he threw. Both of them doesn't know how to let it go so it goes on for an hour if we're lucky. Our DS calms down so much faster than my husband and I hope that's a reflection on my calmer approach of self regulation.

I set lots of boundaries firmly, follow through, give consequences and our DS responds well and we rarely have arguments. They are more like a conversation when I'm correcting his behaviour. I listen and get him to think about his actions and what he can do better. I try to model the best i can. It takes a few goes but it works. Don't get me wrong I do angry a lot but I don't throw things or break things of his. I always make amends to reconnect.

My husband doesn't make make amends. He just goes back in to make his point again and.it escalates again. Our DS has better emotional regulation and his father and will say sorry first.

I have spoken to my husband about it and he thinks our DS needs to be firm even though I can see our DS is learning the yelling, shouting and talking back from his father. When I raise it my husband gets defensive and starts arguing with me and saying I'm not on his side and that our DS doesn't like him as much as me (he thinks his father is mean) and I need to be tougher. It just sounds like my husband wants me to be tougher so we are seen as equally mean. He always says to him that both mum and dad agree but I don't and I feel my hands are tied because I don't want to undermine his parenting in front of DS and I don't want to get into an argument in front of our DS.

I send my husband articles, pod casts, training videos and he briefly looks at them. He hasn't leant anything from them.

I'm at a lose with what to do. He doesn't want to take a parenting course, he gets defensive when I talk to him about it and he doesn't read the things I send him.

I would appreciate any kind advice.

Oh OP.
Your husband throwing and breaking toys in tesponse to conflict with your child, is vile behaviour and abusive. I know that because this is 'milder' than the abuse your parents pit you through, you probably don't recognise it as abuse right now - but having a parent who becomes violent when angry and can't control their temper is the kind of thing that will damage your child for life. It's not normal, it's the sort of thing that would trigger investigation - do your children attend school in the UK?

Honestly if my husband smashed my son’s toys and dragged him to his room I would leave him. I’m not a saint and will admit I have smacked my son as discipline before, I regret it as it accomplished nothing, he has Autism and was very difficult aged 2-5, that’s no excuse, I think I thought it would work and didn’t. however at age 9 I cannot imagine screaming and yelling at a child that age. Your biggest problem is that your husband doesn’t want to engage with you and discuss parenting, you need to pick a moment when all is calm and discuss it then, if he’s not open to discussing it then personally i couldn’t continue

That's what I said to him. I'm always having to comfort DS after but he's not allowed to come to me after but I don't care. I always give him a hug after and talk to him about it. And remind him that hes a good boy and try to help him deal with conflict. But it ahould come feom the adult first. Our DS knows I talk to his father after and it improves for a couple of days then it happens again. The breaking of things has lessened recently but it's not enough.

We are in the UK.

It’s sound chaotic for your son if it happens on a regular basis. He then has you comforting him which I totally under but he must be so confused having two adults with completely different parenting styles

Your husband is being abusive, poor little boy 😢
You need to tell him to go to parenting classes or you'll leave

Do you understand what we are saying though, it's abuse - do you want to leave him?

That thought had crossed my mind. It effecting our relationship. I've thought of counselling and parenting coaching

I agree that your DH sounds like he lacks a lot of patience. Throwing and breaking things is not ok. Confiscating is fine but you say this is every 5mins so sounds excessive or 'over little things'.

When I give some sort of punishment, be it time out or confiscation (usually tablet though not toys), I always give a warning. So 'DD you're not listening, if you don't do (insert whatever needs to be done), I will take ABC away.' Followed by the same but with a countdown. By the time I get to two she usually starts listening. If she doesn't, the consequence happens. And that's because you need to follow through so that the warning has meaning.

But I would never just snatch something away or scoop her up for punishment without asking and giving her a few chances first.

Your husband is a monster. Why are you allowing your poor son to be exposed to this? Imagine the psychological damage it is doing.

Please put your son first and ask your husband to leave.

@TheMorels why am I "allowing" my DS exposed to it? That's a bit judgemental don't you think?

I'm doing my best to protect him. To be clear, my husband never hit our DS and i shouldn't have used the word dragging. Dragging implies DS literally being dragged on the floor which is not the case. I know what actual dragging looks like because that happened to me often when I was small.

If anyone can recommend a good parenting coaching either in London or online that would be extremely helpful.

@TY78910 we give DS warnings too. DS has PDA so his behaviour is very challenging and everything takes longer but my husband patience runs out quickly so when it does reach that point it just keeps escalating. I didn't mention that he does try to keep his cool at the beginning and sometimes he's able to redirect DS but because of DS PDA it's really hard for the both of us.

I have to keep reminding that when it does escalate I get triggered too and go into shut-down mode but I know I have to step in. Its like having 2 kids and I can't parent both when it escalates.

I just don't think his approach helps and I don't know if I'm too soft and let too much go.

@pawpatrollerr that's what I'm worried about. We need to be on the same page. My husband when he calms down he sees my way as being better but I need to see more improvement. When he's patient he is actually a good father. Its when the defiance shows up in DD that's when my husband patience runs low

@Daisyvodka sadly I think so too which makes me to angry with him because when he does parenting my way I can see he can do it. But trust me when I say when I get angry he can't compare but I would never do I in front of my DS

@Notgivenuphope Read my other posts on this thread and you'll see he is nothing like my father. My father was a true abuser and an absent father and my mother would turn a blind eye when he would beat me on a regular basis. My husband would never physically assault DS to the point of drawing blood where my father did. So yeah I think I know a thing or 2 about abuse and I know it when I see it. Should it ever become physical abuse I have warned him we will leave.

So given what little I formation you and everyone has about my entire life being judgemental doesn't actually help does it? Now that you know a bit more im sure that won't keep you and others like you to sit behind your phone and judge others. I hope you teach your children how to not judge others online and bring support to those who are asking for help

So essentially you're ok with your husband being abusive to your son cause its not physical and not as bad as the abuse you suffered?

So your kid(with a disability) has two volatile, angry parents , but it's ok because your husband is not as bad as your dad, and you're not as bad as your husband?

What to do? Therapy, for both of you , separately, to get your damn heads set straight and work through whatever childhood trauma you had and the bullshit you're making up to make it better.

Attend parenting courses and read material specifically for kids with PDA.

Most importantly, ask your husband (and yourself) .. what's more important? Having his way for the next 18 years or so (if lucky) or a relationship with your son after he's free to escape his abusive and toxic environment?

It's really bad op and I say that as someone with a husband with low tolerance who had a temper when eldest was a toddler but nothing in those realms, and I still gave him sn ultimatum over it. In his case he could acknowledge v quickly he was wrong and apologised to DC. It still changed my feelings for him. PDA symptoms could be instead a result of how he's being treated.. Nothing will change if your husband is not open to seeing the massive issues.

I had an abusive father, close to yours in behaviour OP. I swore I would never allow my child to be abused. I also left home as soon as I could and never went back. I didn't speak to him for the last 22 years of his life.

When my ex started throwing his weight around, I took ds and left. DS & I are both much safer and happier with him out of our lives.

There is no excuse for a grown man behaving like that. He is not fit to be a parent.

Your husband is abusive and that needs to be dealt with
It looks like the responsibility is on you to deal with it. By that, I mean consider a separation, therapy for DH and DS at the VERY least

Your husband is abusing your children. It doesn’t matter what your opinion is on the matter. The fact is your children are being abused and you could stop it but you’re making the decision not to.

Like previous posters I wonder if the behaviour which is being attributed to PDA is the result of trauma. Your children need specialist therapy for children who have suffered from domestic abuse.