Trigger. Advice caring for new baby after traumatic child loss previously.

[Ella31]

Hi all, I'm due my baby soon but completely clueless. We've had a very difficult year prior to this baby as our twin sons died at birth a year and 2 months ago so tbh I feel very scared and nervous about doing everything right by our little one coming.

This will seem such a silly question but there's so much conflicting information out there. I'll be bottle feeding and when we put baby to bed alongside ourselves, how often do we wake baby for a bottle feed. Do we let them sleep or is it every 2/3 hours we wake them. I know this probably seems very silly asking but i never got to do any of this with my boys. My first twin was born sleeping and his brother died in my arms 4 days later. Thanks for the help and if ye have any other advice I'll happily take it.

I'm so sorry for the loss of your twins, and can understand that you must be extra anxious about the new little one that's on the way.

DD is 17 now but the advice the midwives gave me when she was little was to let her sleep and feed her when she wakes in the night, unless:

• she had a very low birth weight (which fortunately she didn't)
• or was losing too much of her birth weight (more than 10%) in the days immediately after birth (which she didn't).
• or was sleeping for longer than 4 hours between feeds in first two weeks

I don't think that advice has changed, but your midwife or HV will be able to give most up to date advice.

I'm so sorry for your losses and I can imagine you must be feeling a huge mixture of emotions at the moment. The fear is completely understandable. I'm sure others will be able to answer your specific question, but I just came on to say that you don't have to get it all right all the time. You will figure it out as you go along, so try not to put too much pressure on yourself. Wishing you the very best.

I'm so sorry about your twins. That's tragic. No wonder you're feeling anxious.

If your new baby is born at term with a healthy weight, you don't need to wake them up for feeds.

They'll wake themselves when they're hungry, about every 3-4 hours during the day, and at night they tend to go longer, just by themselves.

There's no need to wake a healthy, sleeping baby. Let them find their own pattern.

Congratulations and best of luck!

I am so so sorry to hear about this. I bottle fed my daughter and she woke me up every 3 hours for a feed. There's no need to wake your baby for a feed unless they had a very low birth weight and the midwife has advised you to wake the baby. I shared a bedroom (next to me cot) but I didn't stay there for the entire duration of her nap during the day or sleeping in the evening. I used that time to get things done in the house. Then slept beside her at night.

I'm so, so sorry for your loss

As others have said, a bit will depend on things like their weight at birth, how much 10% of weight they lose and whether they are full term.

I'd follow what the MWs say but if everything is going smoothly you're probably looking at offering a feed every 3 hours in the day and every 4 at night for at least the first couple of weeks. After that I'd let them sleep at night if they are settled.

I found the book Babycalming very helpful and it works however you feed your baby

OP, how difficult it must have been for you, no wonder you're nervous.

If you haven't already asked for this or been offered, do talk to your midwife about having a "rainbow baby" notification on your notes. It tells the medical team that you've previously had a loss and they should be more supportive.

Wishing you a safe and healthy delivery.

Does your area have antenatal classes?
Mine has them free online or some free with the midwives.

Are you receiving support from the unit due to your twins? I am sorry for your loss.

When you have your baby, ask for help from midwives/support staff, they are very up to date on feeds & bottle feeding.

Lullaby trust has information on safe sleeping that is also up to date & with posters you can save to your phone.

Always ask.

Hope everything goes well for you.

I'm so sorry for your losses, OP.

It might be worth looking up the CONI programme from the Lullaby Trust. It's basically extra support from healthcare professionals for families who are having another baby after the death of a baby (CONI stands for Care of Next Infant). I'm not sure what the eligibility criteria are for each area, but perhaps worth contacting them just to see what could be available. @TinyMouseTheatre always has brilliant feeding advice and your MW / HV will let you know all about how often to feed (my DDs were both very little and lost a lot of weight so I did two hourly feeds to start with and three hourly a bit later on).

Definitely see if you can find a local group - your HV can direct you but for example we have a breastfeeding group, a general feeding group, a group for mums with PND and a general free playgroup for babies under 1. If you have a mums FB group for your local area, there is often a list. All supported by trainined HVs or children centre staff. So lots of places where you can ask for advice / tips etc and make some friends with babies at the same stage.

Wishing you all the very best.

Sorry for your loses OP, I can appreciate how anxious you must be.
I found Katie Mugan/NursingMama on Insta really great for basic and not so basic babycare tips - she was a PHN/Midwife and is a mum of I think 4 herself. She has highlights on everything from bottle feeding positions to winding to how to give a baby bath. She used to have great Q&A sessions and it's great reading back over them. She does cover a lot of breastfeeding content too but don't be put off by that- there's lots of other valuable information there too and she's just very realistic and down to earth with her advice.

https://www.instagram.com/nursingmama.ie?igsh=MWwxeHFrMDhsZ3Q5YQ==

Thank you @CrispAppleStrudels. I found Supoort and information really difficult to come by. That's probably why I hang around trying to help other Mums

@Ella31 congratulations on your pregnancy! I remember your heartbreaking posts abouy your twins, and know how keen you were to conceive again so am overjoyed for you.

I have been in your position, parenting a newborn after the death of another baby. My dc was an older baby when she died but I understand the fear.

In terms of feeding, usually every 3 hours is sufficient. Will you have extra support from post natal midwives or MH midwives after the birth? I struggled with confidence after my second baby was born and was so bloody scared. I now have 3 living dc and although life is hectic, I feel like I know what I’m doing.

Be kind to yourself. You’ve got this.

I'm so touched by everyone's response here, I didn't expect it. I'm based in Ireland so the midwife system is different but i have my own midwives with the obestrician I go to. Thank you so much everyone for your lovely replies. Its so scary being on this journey again

Also ladies, I've seen a lot of posts talking about reducing the frequency of feeds, how do you know when to do this? I feel so silly writing this.

You're not silly at all. That's a pretty normal thing to think about.

If baby is full term and a healthy weight and you're FFing I'd offer every 3 hours in the day in the first few weeks. So that's 3 hours from the start of one feed to the start of the next.

Do have a read of this though on feeding cues as some babies will want to be fed more often.

The baby will usually give fairly clear signals on whether they want feeding more or less often

If they are bright and alert at times, gaining weight and meeting there milestones it's fine to go a little longer between feeds.

What you don't want though is for them to get used to taking their calories in the night rather than the day.

You can do a couple of things to help with that though, the first is like o said to offer regular Fred's throughout the day and the other is to get them outside at least twice during the day.

For the first 6 weeks baby won't really understand the difference between day and night but by getting them outside early morning and again later in the day you'll help to get them used to when it's daytime. Plus it's a nice opportunity to spend a few minutes holding them and chatting to them

Aw thank you. I'll be 37/38 weeks having my baby. Planned section due being high risk from losing my boys. That link is so helpful as well. I feel so clueless 🤣

I sorry for your loss. It must be a nerve wracking time but congrats on the pregnancy.

I would say ask your midwife all of the information you need at the hospital before you leave and demand it. I had lots of feeding questions and I asked them to sit with me as I wasn’t getting it. I wanted them to show me everything.

Also, health visitors and midwives during check ups are great.

I have heard conflicting advice myself. But when they are small they take small amounts. And you will get to know your little one and how much or little they feed overtime.

Sorry I couldn’t give direct advice.

Aw thank you. I'll be 37/38 weeks having my baby. Planned section due being high risk from losing my boys. That link is so helpful as well. I feel so clueless

Sorry I meant offering feeds not Freds!

A planned c-section sounds like a good plan. I would have a read if the book I linked to earlier as it really does have some useful information in it.

Lots of baby books are often written by people either who have never had a baby or they aren't factual, just the writers opinion on what might work. The one I linked to is evidence based and the Author is a Mother herself.