I don’t want to sleep train, or stop contact naps… is that wrong?!

[CleverMrsFox]

Im a single mum and am currently staying with parents (have done since my DD was born) as my life has done a massive 360 since I found out I was pregnant (had to leave own home, job etc due to becoming a single mum unexpectedly)

Whilst my parents have been fantastic help, my DD has not been an ‘easy baby’ as I have posted before about, but my mum is a ‘Boomer’ she is more for letting DD sleep alone and getting her to sleep independently.

I feel sometimes a lot of pressure that the way I am choosing to mother is creating a really bad habit and I just wondered what other people’s thoughts were.

I am a very responsive mum, I am always there when my daughter cries to comfort her, she’s an awful sleeper and if put down will only nap for 20/30 mins and then won’t go back to sleep and will be really grumpy. So when at home I have resorted to contact naps as she can sleep for up to two hours on me, giving myself an actual mental break..

She suffers from reflux so is a fussy baby in general so I find I just need those few hours to switch my brain off.

DD used to sleep through at night from about 2-4 months but this stopped as we entered 5 months… I have read this is normal?! Developmental leaps etc and becoming more aware of the world.
She has gotten a lot worse, now waking every 2 hours ish over night. She has a bottle before bed and always falls asleep on that. (She is formula fed not breast) and then she usually has one bottle over night altogether.

I try to put her down bed around 7pm and she usually wakes around 6/630 for the day.

In the night when she wakes I try not to respond unless she gets upset to which then I will pick her up and cuddle her back off. She needs to be picked up more than not as she cries extremely intensely and won’t settle.

we don’t bed share, as I don’t want to co sleep, but she is in my room with me as that’s the only option we have.

I am tired from the disrupted nights, yes, but I don’t feel comfortable sleep training, I think I feel the load quite a lot as a single mum and do opt for the easier routes but am I just setting myself up for failure?

I don’t like the thought of her getting distressed with sleep training, and frankly don’t have the energy for hours of crying/responding/crying etc.

does sleep training really work or is it easily disrupted by leaps/teething/illness etc?

Am I not doing anything wrong and don’t need to change anything or do I? I really don’t know anymore?! Some advice would be lovely! Thank you

You’re doing everything right, you’re a brilliant mum by the sounds of it. You’re parenting with your gut feel and that’s right. I did the same. Yes it’s exhausting for what seems a never ending time, but it’s love and care and attention to your baby when she’s asking you for it. Crying it out ‘sleep training’ is a horrible thing.

❤️

You do it your way. It is tiring of course, but you know your child best.

Living with parents is difficult and means that you might get a bit of "advice" when you do not want it.

I am a grandma, and when I stay with my AC I often have to bite my tongue! - different generations do things differently - that is just the way of things.

She suffers from reflux so is a fussy baby in general

From my experience with a "fussy" baby you just have to do what you can to get by. They need comfort and support, you cant expect them to naturally be good sleepers until they outgrow their discomfort.

Is the formula making the reflux worse? I'm wondering if you can move away from dairy and see if that helps.

I completely agree. You’re parenting the baby you’ve got the best way you possibly can. The bad habits thing is bollocks. Trust your instincts and be there for your baby. Sleep is entirely developmental, it’ll change constantly. You won’t regret the path of least resistance, being there when she needs you, resting when you can. You’re doing the right thing.

I loved this when I read it, in this early days x

A Mother’s Prayer for Her Child
By Tina Fey

“First, Lord: No tattoos. May neither Chinese symbol for truth nor Winnie-the-Pooh holding the FSU logo stain her tender haunches.

May she be Beautiful but not Damaged, for it’s the Damage that draws the creepy soccer coach’s eye, not the Beauty.

When the Crystal Meth is offered, may she remember the parents who cut her grapes in half and stick with beer.

Guide her, protect her when crossing the street, stepping onto boats, swimming in the ocean, swimming in pools, walking near pools, standing on the subway platform, crossing 86th Street, stepping off of boats, using mall restrooms, getting on and off escalators, driving on country roads while arguing, leaning on large windows, walking in parking lots, riding Ferris wheels, roller-coasters, log flumes, or anything called “Hell Drop,” “Tower of Torture,” or “The Death Spiral Rock ‘N Zero G Roll featuring Aerosmith,” and standing on any kind of balcony ever, anywhere, at any age.

Lead her away from Acting but not all the way to Finance. Something where she can make her own hours but still feel intellectually fulfilled and get outside sometimes And not have to wear high heels.

What would that be, Lord? Architecture? Midwifery? Golf course design? I’m asking You, because if I knew, I’d be doing it, Youdammit.

May she play the Drums to the fiery rhythm of her Own Heart with the sinewy strength of her Own Arms, so she need Not Lie With Drummers.

Grant her a Rough Patch from twelve to seventeen.Let her draw horses and be interested in Barbies for much too long, For childhood is short – a Tiger Flower blooming Magenta for one day – And adulthood is long and dry-humping in cars will wait.

O Lord, break the Internet forever, that she may be spared the misspelled invective of her peers And the online marketing campaign for Rape Hostel V: Girls Just Wanna Get Stabbed.

And when she one day turns on me and calls me a Bitch in front of Hollister, Give me the strength, Lord, to yank her directly into a cab in front of her friends, For I will not have that Shit. I will not have it.

And should she choose to be a Mother one day, be my eyes, Lord, that I may see her, lying on a blanket on the floor at 4:50 A.M., all-at-once exhausted, bored, and in love with the little creature whose poop is leaking up its back. “My mother did this for me once,” she will realize as she cleans feces off her baby’s neck. “My mother did this for me.”

And the delayed gratitude will wash over her as it does each generation and she will make a Mental Note to call me. And she will forget. But I’ll know, because I peeped it with Your God eyes.
Amen.”
-Tina Fey

You sound like an amazing mum. Keep going with your gut. Don't sleep train because someone else says so.
You are in the trench's right now doing the hard yarns but it will all be worth it!
Have you got the Wonder Weeks app on your phone - it really helped me when my DD was that age. She's 6 now.
It made me realise how much they develop and why sometimes they are off, more clingy and then teething on top.
Hang in there - cuddle your bub. You are stronger than you think xxx

There’s no right and wrong.

its easy for people to say “you got this mama! You are great!”

but you are living in your parents house so you do have to
a. Tolerate their unwanted opinions 😂 and nod and smile
b. Show some consideration to their daily lives..night times in particular

as it is, it sounds like your baby is sleeping pretty well at night so no issue but if your baby does regress from 6m + and is disturbing them as time goes on you may want/need to look at some form of sleep training…
the contact naps aren’t harming anyone and you seem to like them so again I’d crack on…. Although whenever I think of contact naps I just remember always desperately needing to wee (not the nice cuddles)

We have along with dieticians/GP etc ruled out an intolerance, the formula she is on is the one that suits her best, it is just reflux she suffers with.

Not childcare as in has her while I go off and do things etc, she helps (holds her, plays with her etc if I need to wash my hair or eat or do things yes, they are fantastic to us and by no means is things tense, it’s just a different view on the sleep situation.

Of course she worries, she is also a tentative mother to me, she sees the burden the role of single mum can have on me sometimes yes and see’s DD can be challenging and I am tired. She is a great support to me as I navigate this journey.

Also just to state I love being a mum, I love my child and I love that she is in my life.. it does not though mean that some days are not tough! Just putting that out there :)

Do what suits you , at the end of the day it’s you that it affects . We never had set nap times or bedtimes and co slept with ours for ages . I do think you need to see your mother as it being her opinion though as a generation doesn’t have an opinion . Im only just younger than ‘ boomer’ generation and my husband would be classified as ‘boomer’ but his opinions on baby care / sleep training etc is exactly the same as mine .

Still contact napping at 2yo! I did all the "bad" things when he was little - fed to sleep, contact naps, always put down fully asleep.

We did some sleep training at night around a year, just before I went back to work - but it's definitely disturbed by teething/illness etc.

Do what feels right for you!

This will be over soon OP and you’ll barely think of it again. So do consider how important it is in the scheme of motherhood. At this stage not much is happening so it’s easy to get caught up in these basic factors because there is nothing else to focus on (using language like “contact nap” is usually a sign someone is over focused on something very basic)

your mum is coming from the pov of someone who has raised a child to adulthood, knows this isn’t important and as someone said above- is worried about you, and who can blame her.

That said, sleep training doesn’t always work, it didn’t for us. We co-slept until 8 and our DD still needs someone to sit with her until she goes off to sleep at 10 🙄

sleep training likely won’t work for you because your routine now means you’re unlikely to be consistent or see it through.

Try not to worry about it and just try and push through- but maybe do be a little more generous to your worrried mum 😄

I think you're doing great. 5 months is too early to sleep train even if you wanted to go down that route.

DD was a contact napper too. She eventually progressed to naps in her pram but the longest nap she ever had was about an hour and 45 mins was usually an achievement. As a little one she'd sleep on me for ages!

She fed to sleep (naps, bedtime, middle of the night) and that worked for us. When she was about 13 months and I was back at work I wanted to drop the night feed as I didn't think she needed it any more, so DH rocked her to sleep a few times in the middle of the night and once she realised she wasn't getting milk she slept through. Friends had been encouraging me to do this from when she was 9 months but it felt too soon. I did it when it felt right for us and it wasn't traumatic for DD so I'm comfortable I made the right choice.

We did end up co-sleeping though, even though we hadn't planned to. But again it was what worked for us.

You are the only one who gets to decide what works for you and your DD.

Just to state me and my mum have not fallen out over this, she’s a fantastic nanny to my DD and a great mum to me! I’d be lost without her. This isn’t a dig at my mums opinion it’s more wanting to know opinions on my choice for sleep and people’s personal experiences!

DD doesn’t disturb their nights as we are on opposite ends of the house.

Mum is comfortable with my choices but as any good mum does worries is all :)

Your baby, your choice.

I co-slept with my DS, and got to the point I could bf him without opening my eyes. It worked for us, despite everyone telling me I should sleep train, ignore him, put him in another room etc etc.

He's a happy cheerful, 6' teen now.

You do what works for you and your baby. Go with your gut instinct unless specifically told otherwise by a health professional. And even then, get a second opinion if you aren't happy.

Please don’t write your mum off as a “Boomer”.

It’s an incredibly dismissive approach to someone who has welcomed you back into her home and is presumably also suffering sleep disturbances and other disruption.

Considering that you say you love her, I would find a better way of dealing with differing viewpoints than throwing pejoratives around.

I was put off doing sleep training when I heard about it and saw all the other mum's in my baby group talking about doing it at a few months old. I found 'the beyond sleep training' group on Facebook which had loads of helpful advice for what to expect for developmentally normal infant sleep which was hugely reassuring.
My first little one also had reflux and fed what felt like continually, I later learned that it helps them to manage the pain as if they are feeding with milk going down it can't come up and be painful at the same time. as they maintain weight due to the additional feeds it can be difficult to diagnose without usual weight loss that may be seen. Best of luck with your little ones sleep, it feels like it will never improve but I promise it will eventually!

You are doing great. They are only little for so long.

May I ask, how long did your little one’s regression last for and was sleeping through the night again?

A health visitor once said to me that it is only a sleep problem if it is causing you a problem.

We did what worked for us until ds1s sleep was so bad it was causing me loads of problems. Another health visitor recommended the book 'teach your child to sleep' and again we found a solution in that book that worked for our family and values.

To solve sleep problems you have to have the energy which is a challenge as you are already sleep deprived!

I am glad we did put the effort in to do a very gentle sleep training but it was the right time to do it.