Girls' friendships

[comfritt]

I have searched for this topic and there are A LOT of threads, which is partly reassuring that it's such a common issue.

Firstly, I have older boys and can honestly say they've never had any problems with drama between friends and falling out constantly. If there are issues, they don't dwell on them and things are resolved quickly.

However I also have a girl (Y7) and OMG the make up/break up stuff with other girls (or as she refers to it, "having beef") is an absolute killer. I can't actually stand it, it gives me a pain in my chest and makes me so incredibly anxious and sad that they can't just get a long without something happening day to day, week to week.

Why are girls so complicated like this? It seems every friend DD has also mentions some previous drama with another girl, and I've noticed since being at secondary that parents really do step back from getting involved in their daughters' friendships for this reason - it's too complex and obviously it's right for the girls to learn to manage it on their own BUT I personally find it draining.

I try to help DD by letting her chat openly about it, which helps her process it and offload. She's learning how to deal with it and I can see how strategic she has to be in deciding who to stay away from and who causes the least drama.

I don't want to ramble too much but just reaching out for parents of other girls who have this endless cycle of friendship issues.

I’m here. In my case my year 7 girl is fine (broadly 🤞) but for my year 5 girl jeez the drama is non stop! And at that age the parents do still get involved but that doesn’t make it any easier I think, it just makes it all more fraught.

I don’t know why girls are like this with each other. There’s some sort of power struggle that goes on and this need to hurt each other. I wonder if it’s hormone related. I think it tends to be bad until after y9 and things settle down a bit more. Your girl is best to keep her head down until the storm passes. I’ve got one in year 6. It’s not horrendous but she does come home frequently in tears. I went to an all girls for secondary and the first few years were brutal. I am dreading it for her

Yes it is a power struggle and I think it is definitely worse among the “popular” crowd, it seems like jostling for position and cred as we used to say. I’m advising my y5 to keep away from that group and stick with her less glam but nicer original friends. Unfortunately year 7+ it’s much harder to advise them or to know who is nice and who not...

Thank you for the reassurance.

I have to keep reminding myself to step back and that she will find her way.

My DD has been hurt and lost a whole friendship group and it's impossible not to feel her pain too. It's also very hard to stop projecting your own feelings about it, when the reality is the child might be coping with it better than you.

We just want our kids to be happy! Maybe this is girls' way of learning to protect themselves?

DD had issues in Yr 5 but managed to navigate her way through and now in Yr 8 actively avoids the "popular" crowd which means she avoids the worst of the behaviour. She has a great friend group so in hindsight it was beneficial to go through it in Yr 5 and learn from it but it was hugely upsetting at the time
Hormones have a lot to answer for!