Do I have to take DS to this?

[Sosadso]

Do I have to take my son to this? My son was put on a reduced time table due to not coping in school, his school referred him to something they didn’t even ask my permission the woman from the LA just contacted me saying the school had referred him. It's basically a club for kids to make friends during school hours so I was told, only when I took my son there there was only one other child there which I found odd. I was told there was 5 children, not only that the staff were asking him some very weird questions which I don’t know why they asked him and he told me they made him feel uncomfortable and he didn't like the questions they were asking, when I picked him up he was sat on a table surrounded by 5 members of staff. I was asked to leave but the other kids mum stayed, I thought she was just settling her child. the place is nowhere near my house and it means dropping him then hanging around on the street for 2 hours once a week, I mean I would do this if it benefited him absolutely but he didn’t enjoy going and I can’t go home in that time as it’s too far to go home so I just have to stand on the street, there’s no much local near by and nor do I have money to spend anyway I don’t drive so can’t sit in my car or drive anywhere etc. I don’t want to take him anymore but been told if I don’t it looks like I’m not engaging with things and refusing support? but I don’t feel this works for us? bit of background, my son was diagnosed with autism this month. he has always struggled socially and never really had any friends. he managed to make 2 in primary in year 6 but that was with a LOT of intervention from the school and both children were also ND. unfortunately they both went to different secondary schools, i was concerned about him starting a school especially without having friends there and his limited interest in socialising however everyone assured me he would "find his tribe" and "if he made friends in primary he would make them in secondary" well as i suspected this couldn't have been more wrong. he doesn't have a single friend in school and has been bullied a lot he is now on a reduced time table. the school are asking me to send him even though he doesn't want to go he told me it was "weird and boring" and he didn't like it there and would rather go to school that day. If I don't take him will that affect any other support? I spoke to someone and they said it will look like i'm not engaging.

If I don't take him will that affect any other support? I spoke to someone and they said it will look like i'm not engaging.

it was difficult to read your unparagraphed stream-of-consciousness post. But what i gather is that you are being offered support. Grab it with both hands and make the most of it. You would be neglecting your son if you don't.

As for this part:
If I don't take him will that affect any other support? I spoke to someone and they said it will look like i'm not engaging.

It won't look like that. It will BE that. And then you don't deserve any other support, because you'd be wasting this chance. This support may lead to further support. If you don't engage they must give it to someone who will, not chance-wasters.

Harsh? Yes. You seem to need a bit of a kick up the bum though.

As mentioned he does not want to go so I should be forcing him to go?

don’t want to take him anymore but been told if I don’t it looks like I’m not engaging with things and refusing support?

That's an accurate assessment of what you're doing though? You've been given support and you've decided it's not what you want and therefore you won't engage with it. I would suggest taking the support and working with those providing it to help your son.

but I don’t feel this works for us?

He's only been once so I don't think it's fair to say it doesn't work. You can't know that after just one session. He doesn't have to like it for it to be beneficial to him.

I mean will it affect his EHCP assessment. He was adamant he did not want to go back there i asked him last night about trying again and he has refused.

You need to give it a fair chance, going once and then deciding its not for you is not engaging in the support offered

Have you spoken to them about your son not enjoying it? Spoken to them about what can be adapted? Other options?

I had to do all this with my son when he was younger, there is lots of support out there and if one form doesn't work im sure there is other things you can try, but you have to do your part and put in some actual effort

You don't seem to be aware what this support group actually is? You need to find out what it is, what they are expecting to achieve, what happens if your son doesn't want to engage etc. You need to ask for more information. It may be that they think you've been given information about it, when you haven't!! If you don't ask, you can't then give your son any information or reassurance. You're negative because you don't understand the goal that the group is trying to achieve or help with. Explain to them, you can't go home as it's too far, is there somewhere you can wait etc? They're not mind readers, you need to communicate with them.

I also think it is worth asking them if you can stay, especially given you have to stand outside otherwise. Maybe it will help him engage if you know he's in the room, and also it will give you an idea of things you can practice with him for next time.

Unfortunately as a parent sometimes you have to be much more forceful with your kids, you can't just let them stop everything after one "try". This may be why so many youth and young people are not at all able to see anything through or cope with the world of work.

If they didn't think it would help your son, they wouldn't offer. Please, both of you, engage with the professionals.

i'm not aware because the school didn't tell me they were referring and I only found out when the woman contacted me.

I posted this on the not fine in facebook group and had completely the opposite comments (not to send him to somewhere that made him feel anxious/uncomfortable) the fact that 3 out of 5 kids didn't show up suggests i'm not the only one who didn't feel the was right, however we at least attempted it.

Firstly ask what the support is trying to achieve and how long the programme is expected to last. Ask if the numbers will vary from week to week and what they will be doing each week. Then you can explain all of this to your son.

Then ask if there is somewhere where you can wait whilst he attends the sessions. They must be asked this sometimes if people are coming from a distance. You won't be the only one.

you went once and gave up. That is not engaging. Look at it this way: help is being offered, it may be excellent for your son, why jack it in after one visit where you didn't even ask questions.

I would suggest that you make a short list, on paper or on your phone, of things you would like to know. What is this group about? What are the expected outcomes? Is it open ended, or is there a pathway with milestones? What are those milestones? how long will it be offered? can you stay in the room to help your son settle? (and yes, you can totally say "i saw another mum stay, why can't i? I think that will be beneficial to my son)

I did ask questions, as explained in my post i said the school didn't give me any information on the group they referred him without contacting me. the woman at the group made it sound completely different to what it actually was, all i want to know is if it will affect his ehcp assessment. I can't drag a teen to somewhere they don't want to go.

Sometimes you have to jump through the box-ticky hoops to get more support.

I did three useless common sense parenting courses that made no difference. But it did lead to more in person support and getting DLA.

It isn't the schools job to tell you about this but the person running the club.
Your son is refusing school and now refusing to attend a group which could help him build social skills and a support network. You seem to be determined to

1. Blame the school somehow
2. Find fault with the group
3. Make up reasons why the other children aren't there.

Perhaps the other children aren't there to give your son a soft start. Ask the person who runs the group and stop being hostile to help.

sorry if this is patronising. You are a parent. Sometimes you have to push and persist. Go to the thing, ask them. Keep asking them. Basically there are 3 things you need to know: what is the aim of the group, what are expected/hoped for outcomes, and how long.

sorry where does it say he is refusing to attend school? i won't be commenting again as people are literally making things up, he is on reduced time table that was because he was being bullied and even physically assaulted at school!! i won't be commenting again.

i've also applied for his ehcp myself so he can move schools to a dsp he is on a reduced time table due to the school not keeping him safe so get your facts straight before being rude god mumsnet is the worst i will stick to NFIS facebook!

my son can't cope in school due to unmet needs not "refusing to attend", mumsnet really is a cesspit of the worst kind of people.

What are his unmet needs?

You don't have to take him. It might be good for him to go. It might not be. But you don't seem to have enough info to make a good choice.

I think you should phone the group organisers, say you'd like to understand more, say you're not sure whether it will benefit your son but you want to take care to make the right decision. Ask to attend a bit next time.

What you shouldn't do is factor in the location etc - all that matters is will this benefit your son.

no it isn't. We are trying to help you. But you seem very much against any type of help. So why did you post?

You owe it to your son to go one more time and ask the 3 basic questions we have all outlined. Give it a go.

What are the unmet needs? Maybe this support will assess those needs and start you on the pathway of having those needs met?

Are you a single parent or do you have some support, because i think you really need someone who can support you too, just someone to talk to and discuss what you don't want to talk to us about.

Presumably issues that relate to autism but not yet covered by EHCP, given the diagnosis was only this month.

Early stages after diagnosis are tricky.

Honestly I would take him back a second time but be more forceful about staying with him. State that he didn’t enjoy the last session and did not want to attend again and that you feel it’s important that you help to settle him in for a couple of sessions and then see how it’s going.

get an outline of the purpose of the course and what support is being offered and how outcomes are measured.

speak with the school about their reason for referring and what they hope your son will gain from the sessions