Anxiety 2nd pregnancy

[Lileas]

I am 28 weeks with my 2nd pregnancy. My 1st will be 3 when the baby arrives.
I had very severe pnd and anxiety with my 1st and it took me a long time to adjust to motherhood. Things are obviously much better now, I get a good balance of time to myself, life is easier and I love being a mum to my son.
I feel pregnant due to a concetraptive failure and my husband is really excited so decided to go ahead with it. I've been in denial about it all but now there's no turning back and I feel I'm stuck in a nightmare. The things that worry me are:
Lack of free time
Sleepless nights and juggling a toddler as well
The demands of two small children
Juggling 2 bed times and morning routines
Lack of downtime
Feeling overwhelmed
Lack of energy
And as they grow older, the arguing, juggling activities etc
Juggling full time work, finances etc.
I really wish I could wake up and not be pregnant. There's obviously nothing I can do about it now but I feel awful. I just want to run away, to turn back time when I wasn't pregnant or could have made a decision to terminate. I really can't stop crying about it all. I keep reading stories about how calm and peaceful and less stressful it is having one. I'll never have that now and completely hate what my life will become.

my best advice is to speak to your gp or midwife about how you’re feeling and be honest - there’s a lot of support out there for pregnant women as they are a priority group. I had lots of support.

The horrible thing about algorithms is if you’ve watched one thing about only children being great it’ll show you more. Remember there are literally billions of people out there with more than one child and most of them are probably v glad they did. You will be ok, you just need some support to get you to a point where you feel better x

Hi OP! I had severe PND with my first pregnancy and was very, very worried that it would happen again with my second but it didn't and I had the most wonderful maternity leave with her. It was night and day in comparison to when my first was born and I was astonished as it really brought home just how ill I'd been.

My son was three when his sister was born and the age gap is just perfect. He could do plenty for himself so I could focus on the baby without him needing me to feed him or take him to the toilet etc. He LOVES playing with her and making her laugh so having a permanent source of entertainment for her is a great help. He also helps bring me nappies and other things that the baby needs if I ask him.

I vastly prefer having two children to just one. Everything has felt so easy this time around as I already know how to change a nappy and make a bottle etc. I knew what to expect re night wakings and how best to handle the tiredness. Seeing my children together and interacting is just the best feeling.

My husband and I have just finished our parental leave now so we're in a new routine of getting the baby off to childcare, our son off to pre-school and ourselves to work. I was initially worried about how it was all going to fit in but we manage it between the two of us and it all just seems to work out somehow.

What time of year was your first born? I ask because my first was a late autumn baby and everything was dark, the weather was miserable, we moved house and it was also the third Covid lockdown so I couldn't go out or see anyone or go to baby groups. That, plus being badly injured, is likely what led to my PND being so awful. This time around it was late spring, everything was warm and sunny, we had plenty of help and I joined a baby group and made some friends.

If your baby is due in the summer even just a small thing as the weather being nicer and the sun being out could make a huge difference (as silly as it sounds).

Definitely talk to your midwife about all of this. I was referred to the perinatal mental health team and had plenty of appointments before my daughter was born. They were ready to help in case I had PND again.

Another thing I'd suggest is having your mum or MIL stay with you for a couple of weeks if possible to help with the three year old whilst you settle into life with the baby. This was incredibly helpful for us.

Thank you for your kind messages. I've phoned my GP and health visitor for advice and I've already been referred to the perinatal health team.

I just feel I've made a terrible mistake, I really wished I'd had a termination earlier and now I'm stuck in a nightmare. My first baby was a good sleeper and everyone says the 2nd isn't the same. I just worry how I'll cope with lack of sleep, what happens if the baby has a disability or other health condition? Everyone says you cope but what if you can't.

I just feel I've been so stupid. I was so focused on this need for my son to have a sibling and someone to play with, I didn't really focus on what it meant for me and my health until its too late.

I know it’s a doom spiral of what ifs isn’t it - but statistically everything is likely to be completely fine with you and the baby. How’s your overall well-being, are you eating enough/well? Are you getting much sleep or rest now? How’s work if you’re working?

@Lileas Re sleep everyone said that to me too which I found so annoying BUT I ended up with two 'unicorns' who both slept through from 12 weeks. It's definitely not a given that the second one will be worse!

Thank you all for your kind words. I am still struggling today. Really wish I could go back in time. I can't see how I can be happy but there's no way out for me.

have you heard back from GP or midwife? Are you working at the mo?

The midwife has referred me to the perinatal team and the GP has prescribed anti depressants and another phone appointment next week. Work is fine but I phoned in sick today as just couldn't cope.

Hi OP. Have you looked into support from Pandas? They have a WhatsApp support line open until 10pm I think so you could speak to them tonight. They're really responsive, friendly and it's just someone to talk to. I think all their advisors have been affected by pre/post-natal mental health themselves so are really understanding. They also run in person support groups.

Are you still in touch with your health visitor since having your first baby? Mine referred me for counselling as well as access to online CBT. She was far more helpful than the GP or perinatal. Also, if you have any workplace benefits, worth checking if there's any mental health support there. I've used it for counselling and it was almost instant access once I'd done their assessment and there was also a 24/7 helpline.

Please don't feel like you need to work through this on your own - you can see from my post I've sought support from several places. I've also had time off work to deal with anxiety and it gave me time to really process, focus on me and recover so worth thinking about it you don't feel able to cope.

Just here to say that I know how awful anxiety is, and so I know how and why your thoughts are spiralling so badly. It's easy to say that you don't need to worry but, as someone who also suffers from anxiety, I know it doesn't feel like something you can simply choose not to do.

I have a 7 month old baby and a toddler. Yes, it's hard but so was having one child when I was new to parenting. If you and your husband work together as a team, you'll absolutely thrive. I have plenty of time to myself, as does my husband. We quickly got good at managing both kids on our own so the other one got a break.

And honestly, the love I have for them both is just indescribable. To have doubled that love feels very special to me. I struggled to bond with my second baby at first, for a few reasons, but then it hit me and now I wouldn't want to go back to a world that didn't have them in it. You are focusing on the (imagined) negatives, rather than seeing the potential for so much extra love and happiness in your life. I really don't think you need to worry, but as I said I know it isn't helpful to be told that. I'm glad you're getting support from the perinatal team (I needed it after both my pregnancies so I'm saying the above despite it not all being plain sailing for me either).

Hi OP how did it turn out for you? Did the anxious feeling get better later on in pregnancy? How has it been with the new baby? Going through a similar situation with a second pregnancy!