Relationship breakdown due to difference in parenting

[Dave3838]

afternoon all
my relationship with my partner has ended due to a difference in parenting. I am a step dad to her child and her dad has never been in her life. She really is a great kid, and I love her like my own. I have been her dad for 7 years now. The problem was me and her mum have very different opinions, she is a very much leave her be, yes mum. I’m more a I believe every child should have structure and rules in place, this I believe helps us guide a child. It’s really silly really but here goes, so I haven’t implemented many rules, but the few I did caused so many arguments and the poor kid was always in the middle of them :(. The rules were as follows:
if she is to eat crisps, chocolate and sweets she needs to ask. My reason for this is so we can keep her eating of bad foods to a healthy level. If you don’t have this in place she could potentially be eating unhealthy amounts of high in saturated fats, and sugary foods.
Her mum argued it again and again saying if she is hungry she should be allowed to eat, even know this rule was only for crisps and chocolate 🤦🏻‍♂️. We are not strict, she eats sweets etc daily, but as parents we should keep them at healthy standards.
her Mum was allowing her to have candles in her room at 13, I said she isn’t allowed to light candles in her room. My reasoning for this was due to it being a safety issue, if she was to knock it over, something fell on it and set light, or maybe the cat that is regularly in her room could knock something onto it or over even. I’d prefer her not to have something like this as she is our child and I couldn’t live with myself if something bad happened and she was scarred for life or even worse….
her mum argued this again telling me it’s controlling, she needs to learn, she isn’t stupid. My counter argument is, she isn’t stupid you’re correct but even fully grown adults have died in house fires due to such incidents. Also she liked to play with the candle wax, which in itself creates a danger and proves she isn’t mature enough to be left alone with candles yet.
at 12 she wanted to start using foundation, I didn’t like thought of this and said you can have make up, and even concealer in case you get a spot etc… her mum wasn’t having this and argued this again and again until I eventually just said ok. My reasoning was she had gorgeous tanned skin, no imperfections. Foundation wasn’t needed, if she had really bad skin and it was causing her to have confidence issues etc, I’d have understood. Foundation will block her pores etc, and won’t help with spots etc. we live in a world where kids are trying to be adults to soon.
the only other thing we had in place was no baths after 8 clock, unless you come home late of course. Generally she is home at 3:30, so I was trying to introduce routine and structure into her life, and it’s good practice as this has her all clean, hair done etc by say 9 clock ready for bed. Her says it’s pathetic, and no need, I’m just being controlling.

now I know people are gonna agree and disagree, the problem was there was no medium..,. Everything I implemented was an argument, and a soon as I wasn’t in let her do as she likes. As you can imagine for the kid this isn’t healthy, she is getting mixed signals on the rules which then made me look the bad guy. The child has no rules in place what so ever, no chores, I just feel as much as this keeps the peace in the household, it’s lazy parenting, maybe I’m wrong but I’m sure someone will tell me haha. I’m not even allowed to give her chores, because this then leads to arguments and I then fall out with the mum, I just couldn’t stay in a relationship that I either had to become a yes dad, and have no say in the child’s life, but she wants be to be her dad 🤷🏼‍♂️ it’s so bad that we found out she was on FaceTime to fully grown men with her friend and her mum defended it by saying she wasn’t on her phone, it was her friends. 🤦🏻‍♂️ I’m like this is a serious duty of care issue, and we shouldn’t be excusing this behaviour. Now don’t get me wrong the kids not a problem at all, as a parent I expect her to huff, puff and argue 😂😂 I can deal with that no problem, but I can’t be fighting with my partner every other day, I can’t image how bad the arguments will become when the kids 15/16 😱.

the final straw was when I said she can’t have a chocolate bar at 10 clock as it’s getting to bed time. Her mum once again pulled a face and started saying what’s the problem, it’s just a chocolate bar. Surely a lot of parents would agree 10 clock is a bit late to be eating chocolate when she will be going bed in next half hour.

anyways, thanks for reading and sorry for the essay, just dunno where to turn.

I don't think your rules were that bad, but were you just announcing these rules to your stepdaughter without agreeing them with her mother first?

I'm not a parent yet, but I think it's best to agree an approach beforehand and then tell the children, and try not to undermine each other.

Would you have liked to have children? If so I think it's best you split because you wouldn't have been able to reconcile the different parenting styles and it would cause so many problems later between you two and the siblings.

Oh dear.
I understand concerns about candles and of course talking to men online.
I find it sad to read she was not allowed foundation. What’s the big deal about having a chocolate bar at night ? Yes of course not every night but it all sounds a bit much and I would be totally stressed as ur partner..

I did try speaking to the mum about the rules put in place, but there was just no middle ground. Everything was always just no, I don’t see the problem etc.
that was the problem, I did actually say many times if I say or do something you don’t agree with, pull me aside when the child isn’t there an discuss it with me. I’m not perfect and I’m not like anyone I make mistakes and can be wrong.

Wait until you have a pre teen dd. Trust me, a loving and respectful relationship is far more important than a fuss over the odd late night chocolate bar or bit of foundation!

Have you considered joining the army? You would make an excellent drill sargent.

I don't have kids either and I agree with a lot of your suggestions but the way you are going about it would absolutely wreck my head.

You don't have the right to parent someone else's child (no matter how long you are together)

You aren't always correct, yet you seem adamant that you are. Do you not think that her mother has her best interests are heart? Do you really feel the need to overrule her mother on the basis of your perceived superiority?

You seem to have very little understanding of what it's like to be a young girl of that age, peer pressure, self conscious about looks and body. It really is a time where picking battles is important. Your rule are very critical of a young girl at her most vulnerable time in life. It's not very nice or productive.

You have severally overstepped here.
Even if I do think you are well intended.

Can you understand where you gave gone wrong? I wouldn't want you anywhere nearmy hypothetical child. No way.

Well, OP, I'm 45, from a different country, these rules would have been perfectly acceptable there and then.
Thing is, you were the (dreaded) stepdad
and I don't think it's your place to set strict rules as such. What is the damn problem with bathing around here? 😂 Basic dignity at home for the child is also important, again, directing their life as if a prisoner wasn't your call.
So, as per PP, better for you to leave them both alone.

I'm in a very mild mood today, looking back at my post.

Blended families are difficult enough without Step parents imposing their own rules & regulations.
Inevitably there will be conflict with either the SC or previous partner.
Only the biological parents have the right to implement the type of rules you have mentioned.

Tbh I wouldn't make them ask for permission to eat chocolate, but my mother has disordered eating and passed that to her daughters, so I actually have no idea how to teach my children a healthy attitude to food. I'm currently pregnant with my first and it is something I worry about.

I think most of the rules like were OK for a younger child but not past their teens, like bath and bedtime routine at a reasonable time, not too much snacking (but some treats are fine), don't talk to men online... but my main point was that whatever he thinks, he should have spoken to her mom and agreed rules before trying to enforce them.

OK, but if you hadn't agreed, you shouldn't have tried to enforce them.

I think unfortunately you are just incompatible, sorry.

Apart from the candles, I really think you should have taken a step back and followed her mother’s lead. However strongly you feel about these things, you’re not her father.

The issue of speaking to grown men is extremely worrying, but it sounds like her mother was also against that - just not as keen to ‘blame’ her for disobeying your rules as you would have liked?

Anyway, if the relationship is over, it’s all moot, no? Or do you think there’s a possibility of getting back together?

It comes down to this. You see yourself as this child’s father, in practical if not biological terms. Your partner seems to see you solely as her partner, rather than as an involved parental figure. If neither of you can budge on that, there isn’t really a future for you.

When you have your own child you will be an amazing parent.

Your rules are really neither here nor there. The crux is that you and your partner fail to communicate and work together effectively to raise a child. You both need to be better at things or agree an alternative, one of which is separating.

I think this is technically true, but if I choose a guy to raise my child with me for 7 years he should be able to decide with me. Otherwise youre just not really a family 🤷🏻‍♀️

The thing is, if you go in with obviously pointless and controlling rules about who can shower at what time and what goes on other people's faces, then when you have a point about online safety and not burning the house down it is lost in all the other noise and you've already been written off as petty and controlling. It sounds like you are too far apart parenting-wise to compromise, and your poor daughter is getting such mixed messages that she's engaging in risky behaviour unchecked.

Me again, your relationship hasn't broken done because of differing parents styles.

It has broken done due to your failure to listen (your partner spoke to you about this several times), your failure or change or compromise (you continued despite being asked not to) and your overall lack of emotional intelligence.

Now if you really understand snd accept the above and will learn massively from it, maybe you can explain it and salvage the relationship. However, it may be too little too late. It sounds like your partner has been discussing this way you for ages and you haven't listened at all.

People who ignore issues & concerns raised repeatedly and those who cannot compromise are always shocked when their relationship ends despite the 99 warning signs they ignored!

So as a non parent with zero experience of raising children you thought you'd impose your rules on a child that had a resident parent who has all the experience and background knowledge because she raised this child from birth.
Nobody, and I mean not one person, would have been making up rules for MY child, that wasn't me (single mum)
You have an issue with boundaries.
Maybe your ex has one too.......

You come across like a parent who wants the best for their stepchild. Even though you are not the biological father, you are her father in all other senses.

I don't think your rules are outrageous. Especially when you mention that you are willing to have a discussion about them with your wife.

Teenagers do need boundaries, they are essentially still children. I'm sure you wouldn't prevent her from having a bath or eating a chocolate bar, but I do see your reasoning in having a routine and sensible food choices.

Especially in this day and age of social media and unrealistic beauty standards, I think it's important to have a father who is engaging and concerned about their child. It's much easier to let them do as they please, but you do not seem like someone who is ruling with an iron fist!

Hope all works out for you

You're micromanaging a teenager. Let it go. Teenagers need to be given choices, not rigid rules, guidance not lectures.
My teenagers have their own space to manage as they wish. When they have trouble finding things they need I point out that if the room was tidy they wouldn't have this problem as often. So guess what, the room is kept tidy and organised most of the time. I don't stand there hectoring them...

Snacks are bought once a week and they decide when they eat them. Homework and friends etc are their choices with the remit homework must be completed and friends do not take precedence over excelling at school or other timely obligations.

So they manage all this without me arguing or nitpicking like a headmaster. It's a peaceful house with no tension.

Who micromanages you? So many parents and step-parents become embroiled in disagreements with the other parent and the teenagers by being inflexible and attempting to run the house like a boarding school or a concentration camp...
Either relax or leave, you sound trite and insufferable.

Presumable he was ok to provide financial support though

Where do you get that from? Oh yes he's male must be wrong.

FWIW I agree with all your parenting “rules”. They all sound reasonable and make sense to me, and are in line with how I’m parenting my DC. Unfortunately as other posters have pointed out, it almost doesn’t matter because she is not your DC. A step parent can only get involved to the extent the biological parent allows. Your partner will always have the final say in how her child is raised. Either accept this and back off, or end the relationship.

This post makes for a sad read. I don't quite understand what advice/validation you are looking for. Do you want to get back together with your ex? If not what sort of role do you want in your step daughter's life?
I think you should have separated issues of safety and personal preference. Candles in bedroom and talking to men online is dangerous, pick your battles! Couples counselling is very useful in this situation. If your ex felt criticised and controlled about everything, your concerns of course have less weight.
With the unhealthy snacks, stop buying them? You could have asked your partner for the whole household to start eating more healthily. I think it's completely fair enough for your ex to want her daughter to eat when she's hungry, and without having to ask. All kids eat crap, just try to encourage healthy snacks without it being a big deal. Fear and anxiety around "bad" food can also lead to serious problems.
Bed times, bath times, makeup, when to eat chocolate... Is her mother's prerogative really. Big picture having the only father she has never known leave her life is so fucking detrimental, eating a chocolate bar at 9pm is nothing in comparison. Your step daughter could internalise this break up as her fault, kids are like that, and especially as much if the conflict was about her.

You sound like you really care, I wish my stepdad was the same when I was growing up!

Though, where you went wrong is being so set on implementing specific rules like the bath thing, bizarre to actually have a curfew on baths - it just comes across controlling.

What does the daughter think of you? Does she fight it or does she actually welcome some structure?

10pm for chocolate is wrong - not good to eat sweet things so late, though I don't agree at 13 to having to ask you for every single time she eats chocolate and crisps - again this just come across as controlling for the sake of control.

While you have taken great pains to try and sound reasonable in your post and replies your actions do not sound as all reasonable or appropriate.

"Rules" around what teenage girls can and cannot eat is the crux of many an eating disorder. And telling a 13yo girl what she can or cannot put on her face or when she can bath is weird, controlling, creepy and she's well shot of you. In my humble opinion. Which you have invited.

And clearly her Mum has come to think the same. Thank goodness.