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Original poster

Would you let teen gf stay overnight?

40 replies

manywanderings · 22/02/2025 17:24

So son is 17. He and gf are quite serious. We all know they're having sex - her parents and us. Recently he asked if she could stay overnight and said her parents are fine with it. We asked if her parents are ok with him sleeping overnight there and he said no. But they were fine with her sleeping over here.

OH said no. I discussed it with him and said it's going to happen sooner or later. Agreed we'd say we'd think about it. Half term coming up and I'm inclined to say yes - what do you think?

And no we're not in contact with her parents! We don't have phone numbers for them or see them. Even if we were it would be an odd kind of thing to discuss!

OP posts:
festivemouse · 22/02/2025 17:25

I wouldn't believe him that they're fine with her staying at your house, but not fine having him at hers! I'd suspect she'd be saying to them she was somewhere else and coming to yours 🤷🏻‍♀️

Ponderingwindow · 22/02/2025 17:29

No.

overnights can start when they are in student halls at university. (Everyone in our circle goes, if they don’t then a conversation can be had). There is no need to rush the intimacy that comes with overnight stays. It implies seriousness and permanence to a relationship that simply doesn’t exist at 17.

Having to think about bills and budgeting is a critical part of adulthood. Until a teen reaches that point, relationships remain experimental and we shouldn’t be pretending they mean more than they do. Children might make critical decisions about their own future based on a relationship that is statistically destined to fail.

Original poster
manywanderings · 22/02/2025 17:39

festivemouse · 22/02/2025 17:25

I wouldn't believe him that they're fine with her staying at your house, but not fine having him at hers! I'd suspect she'd be saying to them she was somewhere else and coming to yours 🤷🏻‍♀️

That was my first thought! He isn't one to lie though really. He did give a reason why her parents said no to him sleeping there, which was a good practical reason - which I don't want to mention or it would be identifying.

OP posts:
Original poster
manywanderings · 22/02/2025 17:41

Ponderingwindow · 22/02/2025 17:29

No.

overnights can start when they are in student halls at university. (Everyone in our circle goes, if they don’t then a conversation can be had). There is no need to rush the intimacy that comes with overnight stays. It implies seriousness and permanence to a relationship that simply doesn’t exist at 17.

Having to think about bills and budgeting is a critical part of adulthood. Until a teen reaches that point, relationships remain experimental and we shouldn’t be pretending they mean more than they do. Children might make critical decisions about their own future based on a relationship that is statistically destined to fail.

Thanks :-) So not till 18 then. This is the second stint at this relationship. They broke up last year for a while and it seems full on serious now. About 18 months altogther. I'm just out of touch about what attitudes are these days! It's legal over 16 so presumably it then comes down to parents' attitudes.

I suppose really we need to have a conversation with her parents .........

OP posts:
BuffaloCauliflower · 22/02/2025 17:45

My kids are small so not there yet, but I think I would. I had a long term boyfriend as a teenager, younger than your child is now, and stayed at his most weekends for about 3 years. Both sets of parents knew we were having sex, and actually not having to sneak sex in weird places like some friends meant we were able to be relaxed about it in a way I’m still really grateful for now 20 years later. Staying the night together made it no more serious as posters often suggest, we were quite serious because we were just serious about each other. We also only stayed at his as for various good reasons mine wasn’t the place to stay, so that doesn’t raise a red flag for me, but would be good to check GFs parents do know she’s there.

TelephoneWires · 22/02/2025 17:48

I think below the age of 18 you should insist on at least texting with the other parents. If they are ok with it and they have been together 18 months and are both 17 then it would probably be ok with me but you have to feel ok with it ‘under your roof’ too. Alternatively if you have a spare room then the GF could officially stay there.

TeenLifeMum · 22/02/2025 17:56

This all got a bit muddled in our house. Dd1 is 17 and in a lesbian relationship. She was a friend so sleep overs normal and happened from 16… then they were dating but we weren’t told immediately so basically they’d had 3 months of sleepovers as a couple. On the plus side, she’s not going to get pregnant. We allow it or she’d just go to her girlfriend’s house and I’d rarely see her.

In a loving relationship I’m not against sex at 17… I just do not want to hear it.

MiseryIn · 22/02/2025 18:12

I'm really surprised by the comments here.

I let it happen in my house. Over 16, legal and in a relationship.

DC are 18 and 17. Even relatively conservative grandparents are letting them use their holiday home this summer. (One bedroom!)
I was doing it. I'd rather it was in safety.

HelenHywater · 22/02/2025 18:18

I let it happen in my house with my ds is nearly 17. BUT I have been in contact with his gf's parents first.

With my teenage dd, her boyfriend's parents allowed it without talking to me first and I was really pissed off. So I'd say that you do need to ask the parents. I asked my ds to get the number for his girlfriend's parents - can you do that and then contact them?

BlueSilverCats · 22/02/2025 18:27

It all depends on your ground rules and reasons for saying no.

TBH at 17 it wouldn't worry me too much as long as they didn't take the piss , were respectful of their environment and your household and if they did have sex it was safe (and quiet) sex.

However if that's not something you would be happy and comfortable with, that's also ok. Households vary, in some it's a free for all from 13/14 , in some no bed sharing until after marriage, even for 30 yos.

A sensible balance would probably be best.

Adhikv · 22/02/2025 18:29

At 17 I’d be fine with this in a proper relationship and also assuming she’s also 17 it’s really up to her whether it’s ok with her parents or not. I’d have a conversation about being respectful of others in the home though

user2848502016 · 22/02/2025 18:34

I would allow it at 17 but only once a week on a Friday or Saturday night - I wouldn't want sleepovers disturbing study time and I wouldn't want them spending too much time together because that's more of an adult relationship.

BobbyBiscuits · 22/02/2025 18:37

I would. They're definitely already doing it and have been together a while.
Presuming they are both clued up on contraception and consent. Maybe leave some condoms on his bathroom or bedroom.

viques · 22/02/2025 18:41

If her parents are not happy with him staying over at theirs, whatever the reason, then I think it is only fair that you don’t rock the boat and allow her to stay at yours. To be honest, they are:going to find times when they are in either house to have sex, so you won’t be stopping them from having sex, but will be respecting her parents wishes, and let’s face it, girls have more to lose in these situations than boys do!

gettingthehangofsewing · 22/02/2025 18:42

I said 18 to my dds, it's less about the sex (as they would do that regardless if they wanted) it more about the seriousness of the relationship that spending nights/prolonged time together brings.

Original poster
manywanderings · 22/02/2025 19:04

viques · 22/02/2025 18:41

If her parents are not happy with him staying over at theirs, whatever the reason, then I think it is only fair that you don’t rock the boat and allow her to stay at yours. To be honest, they are:going to find times when they are in either house to have sex, so you won’t be stopping them from having sex, but will be respecting her parents wishes, and let’s face it, girls have more to lose in these situations than boys do!

Thanks - I think it would be a disaster for a boy as well! He might end up saddled paying child support for 20 years!

But yes he is well aware of contraception.

OP posts:
TeenageRooster · 22/02/2025 19:08

Do they have exams this year? I think I would want to say yes but with limits and some conditions around time also on studying or similar.

BlueSilverCats · 22/02/2025 19:08

viques · 22/02/2025 18:41

If her parents are not happy with him staying over at theirs, whatever the reason, then I think it is only fair that you don’t rock the boat and allow her to stay at yours. To be honest, they are:going to find times when they are in either house to have sex, so you won’t be stopping them from having sex, but will be respecting her parents wishes, and let’s face it, girls have more to lose in these situations than boys do!

The reason could be that she’s sharing with a sibling, or used the livingroom as a sleeping area , which would gave nothing to do with sleepovers with bf , and more to do with it being impractical.

heroinechic · 22/02/2025 19:12

If you know they are having sex and presumably aren't bothered by that considering their age/relationship, why wouldn't you let her stay?

ThejoyofNC · 22/02/2025 19:18

I wouldn't be allowing it at my house.

springtome · 22/02/2025 19:22

My 17 year old son is stopping at his girlfriend's house for the first time tonight. As I said to him when he asked, he is 17, I can hardly say no. I really don't understand parents not allowing there if age kids not sleeping with a partner. Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't want him bringing back one night stands or people he doesn't know, but his girlfriend friend who we have met? We have no problem with it.

Littletreefrog · 22/02/2025 19:28

MN always seems at odds with real life on this, at least in my experience. DS and his GF have been sleeping at each other's houses since they were 16 as have all their friends in relationships.

They are going to find a way, I would prefer that way to be in a safe environment.

As long as you have had the safe sex chat, the consensual sex chat, the abusive/coercive relationship chat etc then it's fine in my opinion. They all have phones so if they didn't feel comfortable can easily leave, get someone to pick them up get an Uber etc. it's not like the olden days (when I was 16).

Saturdaynightlive · 22/02/2025 19:29

My son and his girlfriend both just turned 18. She stayed overnight for the 1st time this Christmas, so both 17 at the time. It does feel very strange at the start. It helps that his bedroom is in our garage conversion so nothing can be heard in the other rooms of the house.

cramptramp · 22/02/2025 19:36

No. I don't understand wanting to know that your child is having sex in your house so 'at least I know where they are'. I think that's really weird. I didn't allow it until my children were in the latter years of Uni and had very long term partners.

mondaytosunday · 22/02/2025 19:36

Yes I would (and did). Not so sure why it's only ok at your house and not hers though.
I would get in touch with her parents though - I talked to my son's girlfriend's mum before she slept over to make sure we were all on the same page about it (they were 16 at the time).