Parenting issues with MIL

[sausagecake]

Evening all, Has anyone fallen out with their MIL with regards to conflicting parenting issues. I am fed up with back handed compliments, digs and sarcastic comments and get so wound up after seeing her about once a week (live in the same town, that I am considering leaving it a month in between visits but feel that this is unfair to DD 12 months. She is not the kind of person you can sit down and talk to about this either. I worry it might make it worse. Can anyone suggest anything to make it easier? Thanks

It's probably not what you want to hear but you have to think about it in the longer term
For example when you need a babysitter perhaps, when you need help with the school run, when you want to go away with your other half for a weekend for a special anniersary
and then further down the line when you are a MIL and how you will feel towards your grandchild...

We moved away to get away from MIL we see her a few times a year

She always ignored what I said
"He can`t have a biscuit his dinner will be ready in 10 mins"

MIl "heres a biscuit mummy doesnt know what shes talking about" DS surprise surprise wouldnt eat dinner.

If I or Dh said anything to her her reply would be "good job you dont know what he eats when I look after him"or "well if you dont like it I won`t look after him while your at work"

She looked after him 1 day aweek when DD came along she just went straight to nursery for the days I was at work.

OMG, she really said that "if you don't like it...". Did you argue with her or was it a case of biting your tongue? I understand Posieflump that I have to think long term so I count to 10 mostly. Just not sure how long I can keep it up. I would like to think that if I have a future DIL, that I would keep my unwanted comments and personal advice to myself unless asked. On another note - I have never had any words of encouragement or congratulations for doing a good job...not a sausage. Does anyone else get any praise or not?

I bit my tongue and sat on my hands Cos if I blew she would cry and then everybody would feel sorry for her.she would win and DH would go mad as I am just to ignore her
She constantly underminds me with the kids and trying to make me doubt my ability to be a mum
I never get praise only that she says DC remind her of Dh at that age

She is Pauline Fowler

Sorry sausagecake but I can`t give any tips on MIL
Now I just take a deep breath and think what the f**k does she know

Hello Sausagecake, I felt quite strongly about what Posieflump said because it seemed very unsupportive and also quite skewed. If your MIL is so ghastly, and she certainly sounds it, why in heaven's name would you want her to look after your DD when you "go away with your other half for a special anniversary'? I wouldn't leave me DD alone with such a woman for five minutes - your MIL sounds pretty tricky although you don't give any details. Sanctuary's MIL sounds positively EVIL!! Sanctuary you poor woman.

It's hard when you don't give examples but maybe a good response to her would be, "Why do you say that?" With the emphasis on the that, not the say. If you see what I mean. In a sort of enquiring, interested sort of way. Very calm, polite. Could be interesting. Good luck.

When I read the title I was going to suggest that you just do as I do which is smile sweetly and just do my own thing! Over time she got used to it.
However this is more serious because she is undermining you and it won't be long before DD can manipulate the situation and play one off against the other.
I think that you and DH need to see her together, make her sit down and discuss it. Tell her that you need a united front, that, even though she might not agree, you want her to back you up and if she has a real issue talk to you afterwards but not in front of DD. I would spell out to her that if she constantly undermines you it will be tricky in the future because you won't be willing to leave her in sole charge. You can do this is a perfectly friendly and amicable fashion.

Better to try to have a word with your husband, and possible ask him to talk to her about you two being THE parents, not her.

The longer you leave it, the more difficult it become. At this point, the roles you will follow in the future are getting defined so better to speak out now than leave it to blow out in the future.

She may be upset now, but if you wait... it would be 100 times worse.

MemyselfandI You are right

Its is the two of you being parents not MIL.

After going on to my dh about MIL he started to take note and would listen to her doing it .

He would then step in and say "NO I said no he can`t have this or That"

It was a relief to know he was on my side even though you shouldnt have sides. PLease and I know its not easy but dont let her wind you up cos then you pick up at every little thing she says .

Get selective hearing (like a man)
and carry on doing what you feel is the best for YOUR dd
All the best

Sorry I mean memysonandI
Its too early in the morning for me

Elf, the kind of comments she makes are - " you must be doing something wrong if she's not sleeping through yet ". She keeps calling her "diva baby" and telling other family members she's a handful, when she is clearly not! (only with MIL). Gives her flumps for breakfast and loads of choc. We disagree about teething, bedtime, cry, no cry solutions, everything really. argghh!!I have heard some good advice this morning so wish me luck. Thanks all.

Well she will be handfull if DD had choc 4 breakfast
How did our MIL bring up our husbands?????
This really gets my blood boiling why o why do they do it.
Dont they realise that by being like this they will lose out. When I asked for advice like what to do with chicken pox etc She didnt know
But when I did`nt want her advice teething sleeping I always got it and what I was doing wrong

I use to find choco bars down in the bin or ribena which ds used to go loopy on he would run for the door and miss it.Hit the wall

She would`nt fucking listen so when she gave RIBENA and he ran into the wall DH just picked him up and walked out of their house.
She never gave him it agian

My MILs 'babyrearing' comments include;
1,When you give birth normally, [after I was still recovering from emergency ceasarian!]
2, I think his socks are too tight, sox left a pattern on my sons leg [M&S sox FFS.]
3,Don't pick em up when they cry, baby just being 'crafty'.
4, Hold em over the potty as soon as they're born .
5,He looks just like his dad, 1st scan pic where he looked like a 'zulu warrior'.
6,Dogs know that she's 'not right'in reference to my disabled daughter then adding look what they do to their own puppies when somethings 'wrong'.
I decided when my PIL moved to a 2nd floor flat and I could'nt get my daughters w/chair up the stairs that this would be a good enough reason not to visit again. Their comments and critisisms of me and my childrearing skills were not pleasant. My MIL now has Dementia as the saying goes .. what goes round...Her own kids are nothing to be proud of either .

slasmum
I have had the comments you have had upto 5.

Yes its annoying but to say that about your dd is ....VILE how dare she

What a horrible poisoned woman
Dementia you say

Sanctuary PMSL Poisoned/rude/illmannered...you name it!We visited one boxing day...unfortunatly SIL was there with her 4 daughters too. FIL followed them around with a camera taking pictures of their every fart
smile and all the while my two were sat there watching eventually he took a photo of my two saying I'll take this photo and then the film can go inThere was so much of their bad behaviour that I tolerated earlier on but wen the kids are effected enough is enough1

Move house! Seriously, you don't need to see her every week. Keep busy, make sure you have a full schedule and keep her at arms length. It's not how often a child sees its grandparents that matters, it's the quality of the relationship. My grandparents lived 100 miles away and I used to see them maybe 2/3 times per year. I loved them to bits and have very special memories - far more special than if it was a weekly event.

Don't let it get to you.

Think this: if she really remembered what it was like to have small children she would not be behaving like this.

Therefore she doesn't really remember -- let that comfort you. Beatific smile and a very firm "no" and taking children out of the room every now and again if she's really out of order.

It took me years to learn this and my MIL was awful, I got pregnant with my second too early so that I could have "one of my own". Really.

Your mil doesn't remember and she should have more respect. Don't start doubting yourself.

I am a firm believer with what comes around too... DH is supportive but would rather I had a blazing row with her to get it over with. Actually she does listen to him only, which makes me think that it's very much a personal thing. DH knows how manipulative she can be and it the only way to deal with her. I just don't want to leave a bad taste in everyone's mouth. Last night I got she is so much happier when you are not around!! What do you say to that?

You walk in and there are pictures of the other grankids everywhere.

Its so obvious(sp)who the favorites are.

My PIL are going on holiday with 2 of Thier daughters and thier kids.

But NO-ONE is tell her eldest son and family(he has 3 kids).Cos she does`nt want them to go.
Shes asking people to lie

You should say"you think she looks happy wait till you see her when she is with me NOW that is happy"
Well you should think that
Shes jealous of you

I don't like the backhanded comments and remarks about our parenting either... Argh, it drives me bonkers and the constant pressure to go and visit them. FFS, she DOESN'T work and can drive but instead, she expects me to cart DS around with half of our house with us just to go and see them. And she wants to see him EVERY week, we have a life to lead! She's going to have a fit when she finds out I intend to cart DS (without DH) to go see my family 12 hours flight away for 2 weeks in a couple of weeks. Heh heh, can't wait to remind her that there's another set of grandparents to consider. LOL!

Can you cut down your visits? DH and I have decided the most we are going to do to visit them is once a month tops. They can come to us if they want to see DS every week. Will it make it easier if you drop DD off to see her/them and pick her up later on the pretext of them spending 'quality' time together? GL! Not easy is it?

Will defo keep my days busy from now on and she can come to ours if she wants but has to be invited!! Shall see if it gets any better if she is not seeing so much of us. Heard some good come backs here to say to her like your last comment Sanctuary and Elf, your "Why do you say THAT!". Fingers crossed and thanks again. I feel much better already knowing that I have got a bit of my chest. x