Blended family

[GreenFish1]

Hi,
I am a single parent with a daughter who just moved away to college, very independent and who also spends a lot of time with her dad.
I have been with my partner for 5 years. He took on a foster child last year, 14, who is amazing kid but does need a little extra support and has had a terrible start.
His 2 kids are in college, they are great but are a little bit co-dependent due to their mum being an addict and treating them horribly.
My partner doesn't see some of this dependency and is prone to it himself but is a very good guy in essence. He can put his head in the sand and has some hangups from a cheating ex wife who humiliated him.
He has always talked about moving in together but I wanted to wait until our kids were over 18. I just bought my house when I met him and loved it, and the security it gave me. I am independent. I also didn't want to become a substitute home maker/ step mother. He was never too happy with that. I also didn't want to move on to his place and wanted to start afresh if we did move in together.
We now have the chance to buy a house together , should I? I'm worried I will be left with 3 co-dependent children/adults and a guy who thinks nothing is wrong. But they are good kind people, and I do love him.

Hi OP

I think you have to go with your gut on this one, and not be pressured into a situation you’re not completely sure about - that’s the impression I get from your post.

His kids are in college; will they come and live with you afterwards when they’re looking for work? Could take a while.

The foster child. It’s a lovely thing to do, but I notice you say “he” took him on. Irrespective of whether you had input, this does mean there’s a teenager to take account of, not just the over 18s from you both? That’s a bit of a change to having everyone off your hands. Plus, is he factoring in having the income from fostering to put into the pot?

In your shoes, as your daughter has only just entered college, I think I would wait. When you agreed that joining forces would wait until the kids were older and sorted, that wasn’t a starting pistol at the beginning of a race to get a house! What’s his hurry? Have you looked carefully at finances, especially if there’s an imbalance.

Hope you find the best solution for you and your daughter.

The older children wouldn't worry me. But if you move in together you absolutely will become the default mother figure to the 14 year old foster child - there would be no getting around that.
If you're happy to take on the role then seems a good time to move in. If you don't want that motherly role again - and that's a perfectly valid choice - then stay living separately until the foster child reaches a stage of independent living.

Thank you for that response, it is very kind of you and really helpful. Financially, he is ok, self employed and owns his own house outright. We would keep it equal on that level. It would not be equal on the caring duties though. As you noticed, I do feel pressurized. It is my family home that is coming up for sale due to my mum passing away. I do love the house, and my partner, but don't think that i can cope with living with his family.

Yes, I really do need to consider if I want to become a mother figure to the foster child. I like to support the child, but have to think if I want it to be more serious than that. Thanks a lot