Difficult first few years as a new mum, I can't shake the mum guilt

[onetwothreefourfive11]

I was in an abusive relationship until my DC was one and a half. I am 28

My time was spent making my exp happy, the best way I can describe it, was being the perfect stepford wife - without the marriage. He never wanted to marry

I came out of the relationship in a very traumatic way and struggled to engage with my DC for a good year, I was sporadically working (self employed at home) and i feel like it really took away my enjoyment of my DC at the time.

Fast forward to now, I am a lot more organised, working less and enjoying DC.

But I feel incredibly sad, upset and guilty that I didn't not enjoy DC as much as I could have. I was physically present but not emotionally as much as I loved DC and did mostly everything.

3 years have passed in a blink of an eye and I grieve my baby. It's unlikely I would have another child as I'm very at peace living with my DC and being single. I do feel like I'm in survival mode. I'm able to save 1k monthly but this sometimes doesn't feel enough - I am battling with letting go of this expectation I have to be earning a certain amount to be safe and spend more of that time with my DC.

Just writing my thoughts

My mum was in an abusive marriage for the first 3 years of my life. She loved me but she was literally fighting for her life these 3 years, she couldn't have enjoyed me.

I adore her, she's a wonderful mum, I'm a happy healthy adult. You did a great job getting out of the relationship. So just know you've nothing to feel guilty about.

Thank you for your kind words. X

Unsure how to edit the post.

So sorry to hear that your mum went through that. But how lovely you have the best relationship with her.

There is hope for me too then!

Honestly you'll be absolutely fine, try to keep your focus on now and the future. You're doing great.

You have the rest of your life to love your children and feel close to them. Don't let your period of survival in unimaginable circumstances interrupt your lifetime of thriving.

You're absolutely right. I mustn't live in the past as I will miss the now

Thank you

Thank you for your words, this really helps with perspective and gratitude

🩷

I think at that little, you're being physically there counted for a lot, your DC would have been too little to sense if you were 'enjoying' them or not.

Well done on getting out, you have done something incredibly valuable and loving for them that way

I think you have been an amazing mum who has and continues to fight for her child to have a better life

• you recognised your relationship was not a good place for you or your child and left it
• you worked to recover your mental health so you can be the best mum to your child
• you earned money so your child could have what it needed
• you thought to the future and saved money so he can be secure

All of these are huge things that you don't give yourself credit for.

Remember you don't have to be a perfect mum (nobody is), you just have to be good enough.

Well done Op for getting you and your DC out of the abusive situation .

Do not waste another minute of your precious time with them regretting the past . You got the two of you out of this relationship , when it was safe to do so.

As others have said, you being there for your DC and meeting their physical needs was the important thing to do and you did that .You would have also been meeting their emotional needs too , your child would not know any different . The standard for parenting is " good enough" ; not 100 per cent perfect.

If you haven't already done so , the free 12 week "freedom " ; programme might be useful for you going forward . I hope others who are reading this and are currently in an abusive relationship take inspiration from you , that you got out and that they too will make the same choice when it is safe for them to do so .

I wish you and your DC an amazing and happy life ahead .

I had bad post natal depression but was in denial and took a long time to accept that's what it was.

I often feel like I "wasted" those years. But it's hard for many people, for many reasons. You just have to do the best with what you have, and it sounds like you did that.