Would u tell ur son he is the 'man' of the family, and to step up if dad left? what are the affects of this?

[sarahmckenzie24]

I do not have children yet, but I am in a relationship with someone who has grown up being told he is the man of the family. I have seen it with his cousins children, that the boys have been told they are the men of the family since daddy left. Personally, I find this actually triggering because how dare you rip away a childs childhood from them with the immense pressure of now being a man when he is 6/7 years old? They see nothing wrong with it, and say 'charlie, you are the man of the house now, you need to look after your sister'. I find it so uncomfortable.

Now it makes sense, my husband was also told this growing up, and honestly, its had negative affects, Personally speaking, he has been told that the mans say rules, he has the final say and he needs to solely financially provide. things i do not agree with. i wondered, as i dont have kids, would you say this to your son? does it feel comfortable to something youd say? and what do u think the consequences are on telling a child this?

No. Absolutely not. This practice has no place in the modern world. Outrageous to do this to a child - no wonder male mental illness rates are so high.

This happened to DH when he was just four years old when his father died

It is cruel to impose this on a child.

At my FIL's funeral when DS was 4 and DP was in absolute bits. My DS was crying during the service and his aunties were saying "be strong for daddy"! He was 4! 😳
(He was actually crying because he wasn't allowed to go up and get communion but that's another thread).

Agree it's patriarchal nonsense. What if she only had daughters? Would one of them become "the man of the house"? No.

Absolutely not, it is never a child’s responsibility to fill the shoes of an adult. It’s the responsibility of the remaining parent to take on both the male and female roles in the house.

Edited to add: it’s of course the parents responsibility to teach children the life skills needed to grow into a successful adult, but not to expect them to fill those shoes as a child.

My dad died when I was young but he told me (when he must have known he only had a few months left but I did not yet) one afternoon that I needed to look after my mum (I was the oldest of two girls) ans made me promise. Honestly I struggled and I am still struggling with feelings of guilt about not doing it well enough. Years later I did tell my mum and we both cried and she said he should never have said that to a child however well intentioned. It's a dreadful thing to do to a child never mind the patriarchal bullshit of saying it to a boy.

I thought that expression was only used in books or blues songs. I've never known it used in real life. Is this a cultural thing OP, or has your husband's family been caught in a Victorian timewarp?

I think it was a fairly common think to do years ago when the "man" was the bread earner, then the eldest son would be expected to step up. Of course it's a different time now and that shouldn't be said

Please do not have children with this man OP. Atleast not yet, until his therapy is completed and his views have hopefully changed. If you dont agree on this now things will only get worse with children. I appreciate its not his fault and hes been raised to believe this, but he still believes it. I couldnt have children with someone who thinks like this.
If you have a DS he will be raised into thinking the same way, far too much pressure to put on a little child. If you have a DD shes going to be raised believing her views arent as important as men and she should do as shes told. Dont bring DCs into this. I hope his therapy works and he can change his mindset, but if not, huge red flags and id be outta there very quickly.

No, the 'man of the family' is an utterly outdated concept from the days when a family wasn't really considered 'valid' without a male 'head' even if that was a child. Most men aren't doing anything a mother isn't doing, often less because she's working AND doing all the b household and family work. It's much more likely kids will have to 'step up' without a woman around.