Would u tell ur son he is the 'man' of the family, and to step up if dad left? what are the affects of this?

[sarahmckenzie24]

I do not have children yet, but I am in a relationship with someone who has grown up being told he is the man of the family. I have seen it with his cousins children, that the boys have been told they are the men of the family since daddy left. Personally, I find this actually triggering because how dare you rip away a childs childhood from them with the immense pressure of now being a man when he is 6/7 years old? They see nothing wrong with it, and say 'charlie, you are the man of the house now, you need to look after your sister'. I find it so uncomfortable.

Now it makes sense, my husband was also told this growing up, and honestly, its had negative affects, Personally speaking, he has been told that the mans say rules, he has the final say and he needs to solely financially provide. things i do not agree with. i wondered, as i dont have kids, would you say this to your son? does it feel comfortable to something youd say? and what do u think the consequences are on telling a child this?

What a load of patriarchal nonsense.

I wouldn't put that on a six year old it's not fair.

What does that phrase even mean?
Total bollocks and not something I would even consider saying to my son

No of course not. The implication being firstly that every household needs a man and secondly that men are more important (what they say goes) than women. Not to mention as you say taking the childhood away from a young boy. Patriarchal nonsense is right.

I am a single parent with 2 sons and have never said such rubbish.

I’ve had to say that there’s only one of me and 3 kids so can’t do something but that message was equally applicable to my daughter too. They are all young adults who are self sufficient and can count on support from me.

The message that sons are head of the family and should step up is emotionally abusive (parentification ) and misogynistic.

I would never say this. My exH walked out when DS was 5. DS needed reassurance, love and stability, not pressure to take on an adult's role a five years old. Poor kid! The thought never occurred to me to put that on him. The concept of "man of the house" is patriarchal nonsense anyway.

My eldest son was 15 when exH left and no, I did not and would not do this. It is totally unfair. If anyone was going to have to step up and take on more, it was me and I did.

I agree it's wrong to say. It's too much pressure on a child to feel they are an adult now. Besides what does it even mean- being the man of the house implies being in charge, the breadwinner, the rule maker, he who must be obeyed. Absolutely not an attitude I agree with nor raise my children to believe in.

Does your husband agree with you? Does he accept this pressure on him wasn't good and might affect him still?

its coming out in therapy now that he was assigned this role, and the effects its now having on him

No if course not
adults are in charge and in the case of death, divorce or desertion no one should put that pressure responsibly on the shoulders of a child
if older children it should be equal between boys and girls

girls always do more in these difficult times

It's old-fashioned patriarchal, sexist bullshit and it's damaging to both boys and girls, men and women.

I would not be with (and certainly not have a child with!) a man from that kind of family unless I was 100% sure that he totally rejected those views. And if it turned out later that he did actually have that attitude, I would end the relationship.

No, I definitely wouldn't say this to my DS, ever. It puts too much burden on the child and also could make them entitled and controlling as they see themselves as leader. I imagine it'd be hard to form an equal and respectful relationship with a man who has been told this.

Thats an awful thing to say to anyone. It’s outdated religious patriarchal nonsense, and is damaging to both men and women.

Dh was told the same, he had an older brother who couldn't manage apparently. Definitely had lasting damage, but also I find to MIL. Dh grew up, married me and left and she doesn't know how to cope- so she now lashes out at him and has ruined their relationship too. Would never ever say it to my children

It's probably of its time and not something people would say today.
I expect it had its roots in the nonsense idea that if you say that to a young boy it might distract them from the pain of the father leaving and give them a role to focus on. Nonsense obviously but a lot of things that we wouldn't say or do today were not rooted in evil but a different perspective on what was best at the time.

Plenty of young children have roles that are adult thrust on them like young carers, absent parents and so on. It's sad.

First comment nails it!

I've never heard of this but it sounds completely fucking bonkers. I would see it as a red flag if a guy grew up in that environment.

The guy I'm dating has a head of the house in his family home and it's the cat, as it should be. 😂

I separated from my now ex husband when my eldest boy was almost 7 and he actually said that to him “you’re the man of the house now” He sat there saying nothing when we sat the children down to tell them he was going and that was his only contribution as he was saying goodbye. He did a lot of psychological damage to that son in particular before he moved out, but those words in particular definitely have had a lasting impact. Absolute asshole to say the least.

My mum was the opposite. When my dad left, as I was the eldest, I was told at the age of 10 that I was an adult.

A lot of responsibility was given to me, looking after my younger brother (he is 11 months younger than me), I was taught how to pay bills, how to do the shopping.

If we went out with friends, I was always “in charge”.

I hated it. I’ve always felt that I missed out on my childhood from that point.

Children should be allowed to be children.

I have known a child this was said to and it was incredibly destructive.

I hate to say it, but you need to be aware this could have a huge impact on your relationship. I know it's not his fault it happened but if you are with him then you will be impacted by the damage as will any children you have. You've seen already how it has shaped his views of the world. It's great that he is getting therapy but if you stay with him you need to do so with your eyes open to what you are signing up for.

It’s an awful thing to say to a child.

Im glad he’s having therapy as I would be very cautious about having children with a man who thinks his word is law.

I wouldn't say this to my 20 year old DS, let alone a young child.

I'm the oldest of 3 and I remember being heartily pissed off when my parent tried to instil in me that it was my job to set a good example to my siblings - different, but similar territory.

Of course you wouldn't/ shouldn't say this. Patriarchal nonsense really. However when a situation does arise where son is only male in household as a result of separation or death he is likely to take on that responsibility intuitively. Balanced people are aware of this and do their best to redress it play it down sensitively.

As with PP, I'd never say it but I do know people it was said to and it has caused lasting damage, a lot of which comes out when they themselves have families.

One person in particular entered into fatherhood determined to raise "men" because that was his own experience and argueably, as he was very successful, had served him well. It was by actually having his own children it occured to him how damaging his childhood had been and honestly it was a huge shock to him. Good your DH is having therapy that will hopefully address it

I agree with a pp who said it was probably of its time. Mis guided and destructive, but well meant.

I have a younger relative whose father died suddenly and tragically when he was six. I can easily visualise people saying that to him at the time. 'You need to look after your Mummy' and so on. Horribly damaging.