Help with toddler tantrums over sharing!

[Purple89]

My DD is really struggling with sharing at the minute.

She's 2 years 3 months. She has very good communication skills (can talk in full sentences) and she can be so bright caring and lovely. However, she is highly strung and seems to feel emotions very intensely. She has always been like that from a baby.

The issue we have (which has been going on for months) is that she absolutely detests sharing. I know that to some degree this is normal but it seems like we are the only ones having to leave the playground early because she's having a fit about someone else being on the slide or someone else using the swing etc. She goes to nursery and they say she's fine there.

It's at its worst at a play date at our house with her toys (which makes sense) but she does it at the play ground, library, at other people's houses too.

We do all the 'right ' things (emphasise, talk about taking turns, hold firm to it being someone else's turn if it is) but she screams and escalates so quickly.

She is slightly better with some of her toddler friends that she has known from birth and seems to tolerate more sharing with them, but she will still have the occasional issue.

Is there anything more I can do? For those who have experienced it please tell me it passes!!! Thank you

Empathise not emphasise!

I distinctly remember my friend's 7yo stomping off and crying last summer because someone else wanted to join in playing on the zip wire in the park and he didn't want to have to take turns and share it! Sharing can be very difficult when it's something you want to keep to yourself, and a 2yo is really just still a baby.

If they don't have a sibling they may not have a lot of natural opportunities to practice particularly lower stakes sharing at home? Could you try to introduce lots of mini bitesize sharing with and by her, things like sharing a bite of your toast with her, asking if you can share a bite of something she is eating and giving her lots of praise if she does, roleplaying sharing with toys, teddy wants to share Elsa's ball, is it okay if they take turns playing with it, oh no Milly and Molly both want to play with the horse, they're upset, what could they do?

Thank you this is very helpful particularly the problem solving idea - we do model sharing and praise when she does share but haven't tried the problem solving idea. Also she doesn't have a sibling and she will definitely be an only so this is something I absolutely want to tackle (whilst knowing she is only young still and so will not be able to share perfectly).

Thanks so much!

They're still very little so very much starting to learn this. As with all skills some children develop them earlier, some later.

https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC3578097/

Good study here about sharing and young children - Mine or Yours? Development of Sharing in Toddlers in Relation to Ownership Understanding

To be honest I just don't have play dates in my house with children that clash. Some children rub along together no bother, and some just don't.

Beyond that, this might be too much at your daughter's age but for my 3 and a half year old I tell him to put anything he doesn't want to share in a basket in my room before the play date. He has some precious little treasures that he likes to put out of the way but he knows everything else is for everyone to share. He's old enough to understand now that if he gets to share at friends' houses, they get to share at his house too. Fair is fair.

If any toys cause a drama, the toy is taken away. I have no interest in listening to bickering or mediating it. I warn the kids once that if they can't figure it out and play nicely with it, that toy is being removed. They always figure it out just fine.

My child is very good at sharing so it seems to be going well. 2 to 2 and a half is a bit of an age to ride out though. It gets easier after that. Especially from 3 onwards.

Thank you for providing this - very helpful!

Thank you so much for responding and providing hope that it will get better! Some really good ideas too - thank you. And interesting you think that some kids just might not gel well together- there is a definite pattern to her best and worst play dates in terms of who they were with!

interesting you think that some kids just might not gel well together- there is a definite pattern to her best and worst play dates in terms of who they were with!

Oh 100%

It can be difficult to navigate when you like the parents but don't really like the way your children clash 😬 But there are absolutely children I don't invite to our home. They are fine on play dates at the park or to meet up and go swimming and so on. It just doesn't work in my house and my son ends up upset so I can't be bothered with that. Often play dates go well if there's a mix of younger and older children too. A pair of two year olds might just end up moaning and battering each other, but a 2, 3 and 5 year old will get along great with the younger ones following the older's lead.

Lean in to what works for you and your child. It all changes as they get older.