Is this ok or not

[questionaboutson]

Reposting in a different topic as I think I got the wrong one before:

I am divorced from my DS's father. We have a roughly 50:50 split. DS is 8. He misses me a lot and has struggled with this but EXH is adament this is how it should be, mostly things are ok.
DS behaviour seems to be worse when he's with Ex (reported by Ex).
Ex has a horrible temper but it doesn't come out very often. It's partly why I left.
Ex texted me recently to say there had been an incident where he lost his temper and words were exchanged. Since then, I have heard from DS that Ex actually chased him in a rage and had to be 'wrestled' (DS's word) by a male friend who happened to be there. I am deeply concerned by this and I have no idea what to do. I don't wnat anything bad to happen to Ex because I don't think he's an actual danger, but what I hear is that DS is now frightened. As I said, this is not the first incident, but there are very rare.

If it is true then it is definitely not ok ! He is a danger to your son. Physically and emotionally.

stop your son going to see his dad. Let ex take you to court for access .

Emotional abuse and fear is still abuse.

thats not ok and I think you know that.

your ex seems to be down playing it but it was clearly a frightening experience for your ds. The actual events were likely somewhere in the middle, but you’ve got your own experience of them both to apply to the situation and figure out where it lies.

any chance you could talk to the friend who was there?

ultimately your role here is as your ds’s protector. Really your ex needs to show that he’s taking steps to address his anger issues and ideally he needs to apologise to ds and admit he was very much in the wrong. I would also follow ds’s lead on how much and when he wants to see his df. Be prepared for court if your ex is unable to accept his failures.

I understand that you seem to think he’s all bark and no bite, but you’ve made that assessment for you. No one else should be expected to, he’s really out of line and unacceptable.

Thank you for this, I really needed a sense check because I have come from a slightly abusive childhood and I have no idea what’s ok and what’s not.

It's definitely not OK, and I think you know that, hence the post here. I know you said you don't think he's an actual danger, but what might have happened if this other person wasn't there fo wrestle your ex? Can you say with confidence that if would not have become physical? DS feelings come above all else and this doesn't sound like a safe and secure parent child relationship to me.

No I agree but I’m being gas lit by both him and my mum (she doesn’t want me to ‘make things worse’). Ex wants to take me to court for more time with the kids and I don’t feel I have a leg to stand on. I’ve made an appointment with school to tell them what happened.