3.5 yo challenging behaviour - how to respond

[Worsthousebeststreet]

I'm in the trenches with this and completely overwhelmed by all the different parenting advice/techniques/responses that are flooding my Insta algorithm at the moment.

I was raised by a shouty, silent treatment, go to your room, name calling mother. It affected me. - I need to deal with this behaviour effectively but without fucking her up.

She gets frustrated and cross extremely easily.
In this case if we try and talk to her once she's calm she'll spit in our face (like blow a wet raspberry), or hold her hand up to cover our mouth...we dont do this so not learnt from us, or just talk over us.

She's recently started saying really nasty negative things

I HATE this dinner
I HATE you
You're a BADDY
You're ruining my WHOLE day and stamp her feet.

If this is normal behavior please help me! I find it so hard not to rise to it or take it personally as I know she's just dealing with her emotions....but when we've spent the day doing things with her, trying to make her happy, spent another £7.99 on another fucking magazine for the plastic tat it's hard not to get wound up being called a baddy because I need her to brush her teeth!!

She's generally a kind polite child, says please and thank you, gets on well with other children and glowing reports from nursery.

What are some stock phrases and techniques to get me through this phase... please?!

Oh tough!! She's after a reaction, so try not to give one, hard as it is.

For dinner: if you don't want it leave it on your plate. Bedtime is in thirty mins and then there's no more food so if you're hungry your food is on your plate.

I hate you: well I love you

Ruining whole day: you're having a hard time putting your shoes on/leaving soft play/not getting a toy. I'm going to help you leave now by holding your hand until you're ready to walk nicely by yourself (or similar, and be ready for her to strop).

For teeth, I just explain that brushing teeth stops them getting holes and hurting and we need teeth to eat tasty things like chocolate.

For the raspberry thing, I say we don't spit and make my toddler clean up any dribble. I say we can't play with any toys until it's clean again and he's not spitting. You might want to add in not playing until she's ready to come and have a cuddle and discuss what happened and why she was feeling overwhelmed.

Best of luck!

children like to test boundaries and reactions .They thrive on attention good or bad and as they grow they are learning how to deal with their emotions.

Its hard but you need to remember to praise and encourage the good behaviour and try not to react to much to negative .Like they are playing nicely on the floor ,o what a good girl you are playing nicely .I love it when you make pretty pictures or really engage with them when they are behaving

sticker charts ,so for example i was so impressed by how nicely you spoke today and how you behaved you get two stickers one for being good and one for being polite. If you get 6 or more you get a small prize like poundland but say 8 or more you get a big prize like take them swimming or indoor play park or a sticker book they want

@Springadorable thanks those are all great especially for 'i hate you' and will help me to brush it off rather than trying to explain why it's hurtful etc.

@rosydreams a sticker chart is a great shout and I think a Saturday 'tat magazine' would be a motivating prize for her at the moment! Would you remove or withhold stickers for say, spitting, hitting, name calling?.....or just give the sticker for good behavior in the moment and then ignore the other behavior if she does it later in the day? Do you see what I mean?

Yep at this age hate is the worst thing they can come up with, but even then they don't know it's full weight. So I'd just say that you love her and then as PP said when she's being nice get silly and play and be daft, so that being pleasant always gets more attention than less desirable behaviour.

give stickers before bed at end of day dont take away stickers or they wont see point in trying to earn them.Once they have earnt something with hard work its not something that can be taken away .So you say today you were very good so you get two stickers or if they tried quite good one sticker

Would it help to have a jar and every time she behaves well she gets a marble in the jar but one marble is taken away if she isn’t well behaved. Once the jar is full she gets a magazine?

I’ve seen the post above mine and maybe this isn’t the best thing to do!

Never take away stickers, marbles etc. .

It means there is no reason for the child to try to earn them and that you don’t value the effort that the child put in to earn them. It also leaves you nowhere to go when the child has none left because you’ve removed them all.