Please help me decide what to do

[MoSalahsBeard]

Ds is 14. He’s an ok student but gets very distracted. Since he’s been at his school there have been various problems with bullying and in this last year his behaviour has gone downhill. He got chucked out the class for answering back to the teacher, he’s had detentions and been late to classes, and last week he discovered he has been vaping.
Hes had his phone confiscated and he is on a very short leash because of all this.

we had the school meeting about gcse choices last week and it turns out the school have changed how it works and ds now only gets one gcse choice and must take all 3 sciences. He’s not great at science.

there’s another good school near us where several kids we know go. He wouldn’t have to do 3 sciences there and he would be away from all the issues and bad kids that he’s around currently.

ds isn’t keen to move as he’s ‘settled’, but his version of ‘settled’ doesn’t match ours considering all the issues.

the only downside of him moving is the loss of his music club which has been good for him.

please help me with what to do, I’m so stressed and lost!

to complicate matters we are wondering if ds may have adhd as he has trouble controlling his emotions- anger especially. He’s been aggressive sometimes recently. I worry that if I move him he will have a potential adhd diagnosis to deal with as well as a new school.

It’s difficult, isn’t it?

First, does he exhibit other signs of ADHD? It sounds like he doesn’t. Regulating emotions is often difficult for teens; perhaps a few private therapy sessions would help? If you don’t think that’s the road to go down, read up about anger management with him and see if there are strategies he can use - and make it clear that you are looking for him to improve his behaviour. How has the phone removal affected his behaviour? Hopefully, it’s made a difference. And if it has, that points to a different cause for his deterioration in school. Bit less of the carrots, bit more of the stick, maybe?

If you think that the move could work for him, why not make an appointment to see the school and find out more? Can they offer a subject he would much prefer instead of the triple science? Could you substitute after-school music lessons for the missing school club?

It does sound as if he’s not getting on particularly well where he is now, especially if he has been better behaved/more engaged in previous times. Maybe it is time to move.

There will likely be a wait for ADHD assessment so I would not worry that moving schools and ADHD assessment will happen at the same time. It does sound worth pursuing an assessment BTW - but how does he feel about that?

Re no other signs - I see these flags in the post.

OK student but gets "very" distracted
Answering back to teachers - impulsive/trouble with authority
Late to classes (OK that might be related to vaping)
Vaping - impulsive/dopamine-seeking
Behaviour issues at school
Emotional regulation issues

Not sure what the bullying issues were about or what the music classes have helped with - those could be signs of ADHD, but tricky to tell from such little info.

Does he know the kids at the other school?

Bear in mind there will be "bad" kids at the other school too.